You recently took a part-time job working for a local company. After a few weeks, you realised there were some problems with the job. Write a letter to the manager of the company. In your letter: - explain why you took the job - describe the problems that you experienced - suggest what could be done about them
Sample Response
Dear Mrs Jeeni: I have joined your company as a part-time employee a few weeks ago and I am indebted for the opportunity you have bestowed on me. I took the job to finish my internship - which is a requirement to complete my Bachelor degree. However, some challenges are impeding our work performance and I need your help to solve them. During this short span of my work, I have noticed some problems that are obstacles to the overall progress of the company. To start with, I help other data analysts with different data from various sources as per the requirement. I have to collect the same data many times. The main reason behind this redundant work is the lack of MIS reporting software and a solid database system. We can avail many benefits by using that type of software. It would both ensure better performance of employees and data security. Moreover, we have to take our lunch outside and this kills our valuable time. Lunch arrange by the office would ensure hygienic meals, and save our time which we could better utilise in the office. Therefore, I request you to implement MIS software for our office, which would be a really prudent investment in the long run. Besides, please arrange lunch for the employees as soon as possible. Yours faithfully, Safayet Ullah
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Greeting punctuation Original: Dear Mrs Jeeni: Suggested revision: Dear Mrs Jeeni, Why it matters: A comma is the standard punctuation after a letter greeting.
- 2. Past event tense Original: I have joined your company Suggested revision: I joined your company Why it matters: Use simple past for a completed action a few weeks ago.
- 3. Overformal phrase Original: I am indebted for the opportunity Suggested revision: I am grateful for the opportunity Why it matters: 'Indebted' sounds too heavy for this workplace letter.
- 4. Possessive form Original: Bachelor degree Suggested revision: Bachelor's degree Why it matters: The standard form is 'Bachelor's degree'.
- 5. Natural workplace wording Original: some challenges are impeding our work performance Suggested revision: some issues are affecting my work Why it matters: This is clearer and more directly connected to the writer's experience.
- 6. Simpler transition Original: During this short span of my work Suggested revision: During my first few weeks Why it matters: The transition is understandable but unnecessarily wordy.
- 7. Precise problem Original: collect the same data many times Suggested revision: collect the same data repeatedly Why it matters: This is a more natural way to describe duplication.
- 8. Verb pattern Original: We can avail many benefits Suggested revision: We could gain many benefits Why it matters: 'Avail' is not used this way without 'ourselves of'.
- 9. Specify reference Original: using that type of software Suggested revision: using MIS reporting software Why it matters: Repeating the exact solution is clearer than 'that type of software'.
- 10. Passive form Original: Lunch arrange by the office Suggested revision: Lunch arranged by the office Why it matters: The past participle is needed in this reduced passive phrase.
- 11. Remove comma Original: would ensure hygienic meals, and save our time Suggested revision: would ensure hygienic meals and save our time Why it matters: The two verbs share the same subject, so the comma is unnecessary.
- 12. Professional tone Original: a really prudent investment Suggested revision: a prudent long-term investment Why it matters: This sounds more formal and precise for a manager.
Suggested Rewrites
- Dear Mrs Jeeni: Dear Mrs Jeeni,
- I have joined your company I joined your company
- I am indebted for the opportunity I am grateful for the opportunity
- Bachelor degree Bachelor's degree
- some challenges are impeding our work performance some issues are affecting my work
- During this short span of my work During my first few weeks
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
The letter explains the internship reason, identifies data duplication and lunch problems, and suggests MIS software plus office lunch arrangements. The response is relevant, but the complaint would be stronger if the problems were tied more directly to the writer's own part-time experience.
Frame each problem from your position as a new part-time worker, then make the requested actions specific and realistic.
Coherence and Cohesion
The content has a clear logical order, but it is written as one long block and the opening punctuation after the greeting is incorrect for a letter format.
Use separate paragraphs for the reason for taking the job, the problems, and the requested solutions.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is generally effective, with terms such as 'internship', 'database system', and 'data security', but some collocations are unnatural or overly broad.
Use natural workplace phrases such as 'use MIS software', 'duplicate the same data collection', and 'provide lunch at the office'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Meaning is clear, but there are repeated tense, article, and word-form errors, especially in the opening and the lunch request.
Proofread verb tense in the opening and check noun phrases such as 'Bachelor's degree' and 'Lunch arranged by the office'.