The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
Band 5.5 IELTS Writing Task 1 Essay Correction
Student Essay
The graph illustrates the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia between 2000 and 2020. These activities include the film club, martial arts, amateur dramatics, table tennis and musical performances.
Film club has high number of members, in 2000 it is more than 60 and till 2020 is remained same. Martial arts also have same format like film club, in 2000 is almost 40 and in 2020 is unchanged.
Amateur dramatics is one of the activity which has declined after 2005, in 2000 and 2005 the number of participants is near to 30 but after that fell each year by 10. Table tennis is opposite of amateur dramatics because till 2005 is only 20 and than increased each year by 10.
Musical performances is started in 2005 with 0 number of participants but in 2010 is 10, 2015 is more than 10 but in 2020 is almost 20.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Article error The film club had a high number of members
- 2. Verb tense/form until 2020 it remained virtually unchanged
- 3. Imprecise phrasing a similar trend to
- 4. Missing subject which stood at almost 40 in 2000
- 5. Plural noun error Amateur dramatics was one of the activities
- 6. Spelling error and then
- 7. Incorrect verb form Musical performances started
- 8. Data accuracy and grammar In contrast to amateur dramatics, the number of table tennis participants remained stable at 20 until 2010, after which it experienced a sharp increase to over 50 by 2020.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
The response lacks a clear, distinct overview paragraph summarizing the main trends (e.g., the overall rise in table tennis and musical performances versus the decline in amateur dramatics). While it attempts to describe individual trends, some key data points are inaccurate (e.g., table tennis did not increase by exactly 10 each year, and film club did not remain exactly the same).
Write a clear, 1-2 sentence overview paragraph immediately after the introduction, highlighting which activities grew, which declined, and which remained relatively stable overall.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is divided into paragraphs, but the progression is mechanical, focusing on one activity after another without strong cohesive links. The transition between paragraphs is abrupt.
Use more sophisticated transition signals (e.g., 'In terms of...', 'By contrast,', 'With regard to...') to connect ideas and paragraphs smoothly.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary is functional but repetitive and limited in range. Words like 'number of participants' and 'each year' are repeated frequently, and there is a lack of varied academic verbs for describing trends.
Incorporate a wider range of synonyms for trends (e.g., 'remained relatively stable', 'experienced a sharp upward trend', 'dwindled') to boost the lexical resource score.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Grammar is a significant limiting factor. There are frequent errors in subject-verb agreement, article usage, and sentence structure. Several sentences are run-ons or lack proper verb forms.
Focus on subject-verb agreement (e.g., 'Musical performances started' instead of 'is started') and ensure every clause has a clear subject and verb.