In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations.
Sample Response
Nowadays, humans' lifespan has significantly improved than before. This has made two major problems to people and communities, and I think two important solutions should be implemented to tackle them. To begin with, longevity has enhanced the governmental budgets. Clearly, elders need more supervision by the state authorities, including retirement pension, healthcare expenses, or housing for those who cannot afford their rent; however, other age groups need a less fund. For example, the administration only has to expense on education for juveniles, and young are healthier than the former. To solve this issue, governments have to escalate their budget to improve seniors' quality of life via increasing taxes paid by properties or businesses. This means the more citizens and businesspersons pay higher taxes, the more they will earn benefits during their retirement age. In this way, had the government of BC obtained more taxes from the local inhabitants, it would have had more saving to raise old people's pensions. In addition, ageing may worsen the condition of unemployment. Obviously, retired individuals may not afford their daily spending, and they have to work even they become over sixty-five years old. However, many of them cannot compete with other age groups, especially those youngsters seeking the same job. Ageing makes humans more disable physically, leading employers prefer to hire others; therefore, communities would face more jobless seniors. To address this problem, governments should assist these aged citizens by prioritising them in some appropriate careers. Definitely, this group of dwellers has a better experience in their profession they have been working, and the state authorities can use them in some appropriate situations. For instance, writers can be hired in the section of official press directed by the government. They have better capabilities to write articles or even publish the related journals in the regional newspapers. In conclusion, humans' lifespan is growing, and I believe that it can incline both the state funds and job positions needed for elders. To resolve that the administration should increase the tax and improve the condition of employment for them.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix comparison Original: has significantly improved than before Suggested revision: has improved significantly Why it matters: “Improved” does not take “than before” in this form.
- 2. Use natural collocation Original: made two major problems to Suggested revision: created two major problems for Why it matters: Problems are created “for” people, not “to” them.
- 3. Correct meaning Original: enhanced the governmental budgets Suggested revision: put pressure on government budgets Why it matters: “Enhanced” means improved, which is the opposite of the intended meaning.
- 4. Use neutral term Original: elders Suggested revision: older people Why it matters: “Elders” can sound unnatural in this policy context.
- 5. Fix noun phrase Original: a less fund Suggested revision: less funding Why it matters: “Funding” is uncountable and does not take “a.”
- 6. Use verb phrase Original: expense on education Suggested revision: spend money on education Why it matters: “Expense” is not used as a verb here.
- 7. Add noun phrase Original: young are healthier Suggested revision: young people are healthier Why it matters: “Young” needs a noun or should be “the young.”
- 8. Use natural verb Original: escalate their budget Suggested revision: increase their budget Why it matters: “Escalate” is awkward for planned public spending.
- 9. Clarify tax source Original: via increasing taxes paid by properties Suggested revision: by increasing taxes on property Why it matters: Properties do not pay taxes; owners do.
- 10. Fix comparative structure Original: the more citizens and businesspersons pay higher taxes Suggested revision: the more citizens and business owners pay in taxes Why it matters: The comparative construction is not grammatical.
- 11. Use plural noun Original: more saving Suggested revision: more savings Why it matters: The countable/plural form is needed here.
- 12. Add conjunction Original: work even they become Suggested revision: work even when they become Why it matters: The time clause needs “when.”
Suggested Rewrites
- has significantly improved than before has improved significantly
- made two major problems to created two major problems for
- enhanced the governmental budgets put pressure on government budgets
- elders older people
- a less fund less funding
- expense on education spend money on education
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay identifies relevant problems, including pressure on public budgets and employment issues for older people, and suggests higher taxes and suitable work opportunities. Some points are not fully convincing or clearly explained.
Separate individual and social problems more clearly, then explain how each measure reduces the impact of an ageing population.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is an overall structure from problem to solution, but the essay is presented as one long paragraph. The internal progression is understandable, yet paragraphing would make the argument much clearer.
Use separate paragraphs for introduction, budget problems and solution, employment problems and solution, and conclusion.
Lexical Resource
The response uses relevant vocabulary such as lifespan, retirement pension, healthcare expenses, unemployment, and appropriate careers. Several word choices are inaccurate and sometimes change the intended meaning.
Use precise collocations such as "increase pressure on government budgets", "older people", and "physically less able".
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex structures are attempted, but grammar errors are frequent in comparison, articles, clauses, and word forms. These errors sometimes make the argument harder to follow.
Revise sentence patterns for comparison and cause-effect, and proofread each long sentence for a clear subject and main verb.