Some people prefer to spend more time improving their careers. Others think that it’s more important to spend time with family and friends. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Sample Response
In the modern era, time is considered as the most precious commodity. While some people wish to devote their time enhancing their profession while others choose to spend it with their relatives and friends. As far as I am concerned, there are merits and demerits to both opinions as improving your careers helps provide for your family, on the other hand, it might drive you away from your relatives. We will further investigate this below.
Firstly, some people are born ambitious and they want to be successful in their professional life, so they thrive to achieve more success which benefits their families as they are able to provide them with better quality life. For instance, a research conducted in the US suggests that children's who studying in top private schools have higher IQ and are more confident than the pupil studying in public schools.
Secondly, individuals who strive to improve their careers are actually helping their employers and companies their work for to be more successful. For example, in healthcare, there are many employees in research and development departments who have helped their companies develop, test and launch different life-saving drugs thus, enabling their companies to be successful.
On the contrary, some people are too busy in their work and are unable to give quality time to their families and friends which might alienate them. An illustration of this would be, research conducted in the UK suggests that children whose parents are more involved in their life, live a happier and healthier life then children's without parents or if their parents are unable to give them time.
In conclusion, many people may disagree with me; it appears that both profession and relatives are important parts of an individual's life. Hence, a balance has to be struck in order to be maintained and become successful in both of these relations.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Verb pattern Original: time is considered as the most precious commodity Suggested revision: time is considered the most precious commodity Why it matters: Considered does not need as in this structure.
- 2. Repeated while Original: While some people wish to devote their time enhancing their profession while others Suggested revision: Some people wish to devote their time to enhancing their careers, while others Why it matters: The sentence needs one clear contrast marker and the phrase devote time to.
- 3. Task wording Original: their relatives and friends Suggested revision: their family and friends Why it matters: Family and friends matches the task and sounds more natural.
- 4. Pronoun consistency Original: improving your careers helps Suggested revision: improving one's career helps Why it matters: Keep the pronoun and noun number consistent in formal writing.
- 5. Natural phrase Original: drive you away from your relatives Suggested revision: distance people from their families Why it matters: This is more natural and academic.
- 6. Wrong verb Original: they thrive to achieve more success Suggested revision: they strive to achieve greater success Why it matters: Strive means try hard; thrive means prosper.
- 7. Relative clause Original: children's who studying Suggested revision: children who study Why it matters: Do not use the possessive form before a relative clause, and use a finite verb.
- 8. Plural measure Original: top private schools have higher IQ Suggested revision: top private schools have higher IQs Why it matters: When referring to many children, use the plural form IQs.
- 9. Plural comparison Original: the pupil studying Suggested revision: pupils studying Why it matters: The comparison is between groups of children, so plural pupils is needed.
- 10. Pronoun error Original: companies their work for Suggested revision: companies they work for Why it matters: The subject pronoun they is needed.
- 11. Better contrast Original: On the contrary Suggested revision: By contrast Why it matters: By contrast is smoother for introducing the other view.
- 12. Natural collocation Original: unable to give quality time Suggested revision: unable to spend quality time Why it matters: Spend quality time is the standard phrase.
Suggested Rewrites
- time is considered as the most precious commodity time is considered the most precious commodity
- While some people wish to devote their time enhancing their profession while others Some people wish to devote their time to enhancing their careers, while others
- their relatives and friends their family and friends
- improving your careers helps improving one's career helps
- drive you away from your relatives distance people from their families
- they thrive to achieve more success they strive to achieve greater success
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay discusses both views and gives a balanced opinion, which fits the task. The career side is developed with ambition and family provision, while the family side is relevant but shorter and partly dependent on unsupported research claims.
Give equal depth to both views and make your own opinion more direct in the introduction and conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response has clear paragraphing and a logical sequence. Cohesion is sometimes formulaic, and the second career paragraph feels like a separate extra point rather than part of the two-view comparison.
Group career benefits into one paragraph, then use the next paragraph for family and friends, followed by a clear weighing sentence.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is adequate for career and family topics, but there are repeated words and some inaccurate choices such as thrive to achieve, relatives for family, and relations at the end.
Use more precise vocabulary such as career progression, work-life balance, financial security, family relationships, and social support.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Meaning is generally clear, but grammar errors are frequent in complex sentences. Problems include duplicated while, noun forms, subject-verb agreement, and comparison structures.
Revise long sentences for one main structure and check plural nouns such as children, parents, careers, and relationships.