Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Sample Response
It is true that most of the celebrities are known for their luxurious lifestyles than for their performance or talents these days. Many people think that this kind of attitude is not a good example for the young generation. To a certain extent, I would agree that this kind of behaviour would be a bad example for the society, but there are other famous people are popular due to their outstanding accomplishment.
On the one hand, it is a fact that many famous people become popular due to their fancy lifestyle, instead of their outstanding achievement these days. Their acting talent might be standard or below the average, but they are making sensation to the public by showing their wealth and glamorous lifestyles. One of the examples would be Kim Kardashian who is famous for her reality television program, whereas it mostly shows her luxurious mansion, party and shopaholic lifestyles and less of her acting. It is believed that the behaviour would be a negative influence for the young people as it teaches them about hedonistic lifestyle.
On the other hand, there are celebrities who are popular for their incredible acts or outstanding performance. These people have shown to the world that they have reached success due to strong determination and hard work, and the public always recognise them for their masterpiece of arts and great achievements. One of the examples would be the legendary English footballer David Beckham. He was not only a good athlete but also became the model of some sports apparels. Although David Beckham sometimes had shown his glamorous lifestyle, but he had also shown to the public that he was a good football player. He had informed in his biography that to achieved success, he had to work hard in his young age, as he had to practice in doing penalty kick for around 1000 kick per day consistently. These kinds of celebrities are worth to be followed by the young generation.
In conclusion, many famous people are well known for their wealth and luxurious style, instead of their achievement and it would be a negative example for the young age people. To a certain point, I would disagree with the opinion, since there are other celebrities who are famous due to their great talent and performance. In my opinion, I think the public should be more selective in choosing their role models, not just in front of the camera, but we should also see from their personal life as well.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Add comparison word Original: known for their luxurious lifestyles than for Suggested revision: known more for their luxurious lifestyles than for Why it matters: The comparison requires “more.”
- 2. Remove article Original: bad example for the society Suggested revision: bad example for society Why it matters: The noun is used generally, so no article is needed.
- 3. Remove extra verb Original: there are other famous people are popular Suggested revision: other famous people are popular Why it matters: The clause has two finite verbs.
- 4. Use plural noun Original: due to their outstanding accomplishment Suggested revision: due to their outstanding accomplishments Why it matters: The statement refers to achievements generally.
- 5. Use plural noun Original: achievement these days Suggested revision: achievements these days Why it matters: The plural fits the general comparison with talent and performance.
- 6. Use natural phrase Original: making sensation Suggested revision: creating a sensation Why it matters: This is the standard collocation.
- 7. Use precise phrase Original: shopaholic lifestyles Suggested revision: shopping-focused lifestyle Why it matters: The current phrase is informal and awkward.
- 8. Clarify contrast Original: less of her acting Suggested revision: less of her talent Why it matters: The essay is comparing fame for lifestyle versus achievements, not only acting.
- 9. Fix preposition Original: negative influence for Suggested revision: negative influence on Why it matters: The correct collocation is “influence on.”
- 10. Add article Original: hedonistic lifestyle Suggested revision: a hedonistic lifestyle Why it matters: The singular countable phrase needs an article.
- 11. Use natural noun phrase Original: masterpiece of arts Suggested revision: artistic masterpieces Why it matters: The original phrase is unnatural.
- 12. Use uncountable noun Original: sports apparels Suggested revision: sports apparel Why it matters: “Apparel” is uncountable in this usage.
Suggested Rewrites
- known for their luxurious lifestyles than for known more for their luxurious lifestyles than for
- bad example for the society bad example for society
- there are other famous people are popular other famous people are popular
- due to their outstanding accomplishment due to their outstanding accomplishments
- achievement these days achievements these days
- making sensation creating a sensation
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay presents a balanced position and discusses both glamour-focused celebrities and achievement-based role models. The response is relevant and developed with examples, but the conclusion slightly confuses the extent of agreement.
Keep the stance consistent from introduction to conclusion by saying exactly to what extent you agree, for example "I partly agree".
Coherence and Cohesion
Paragraphing is effective, with one paragraph for each side and a conclusion. Ideas progress clearly, although some sentences are long and the final position could be signposted more consistently.
Use a clearer concluding sentence that restates the same partial-agreement position introduced at the start.
Lexical Resource
There is a good range of topic vocabulary, including luxurious lifestyles, hedonistic lifestyle, determination, and role models. Some collocations are inaccurate or awkward.
Refine collocations around fame and achievement, such as "attract public attention", "sporting goods", and "achieve success".
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The essay uses complex structures, but there are recurring errors with relative clauses, verb forms, and articles. These errors affect accuracy but rarely prevent understanding.
Check that every clause has the right subject-verb structure, especially after "there are" and after conjunctions such as "although".