Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Sample Response
Fame and fortune are largely dependent on the hard-work, persistence, luck and creativity displayed by individuals of a society. These qualities often make them very famous and popular that the whole nation becomes anxious and curious just to get their glimpse or an autograph. Few people believe that people are popular due to their glamour and rich lifestyle. They claim that youngsters should not follow their footprint because they may lead them astray and I don’t agree fully with this proclamation. This essay will analyse the merits and demerits of idealising celebrities before presenting a conclusion. Famous people such as movie or sports stars can be a role model for the young people of a society. Idealising and treating them as their idol can help them to achieve their required goal in life. Following their footprints can result in exploring their own talent which can further showcase marvels and brilliance. Their creativity, innovation and display of their skills and abilities inspire adolescents to bring change in their life for good. For instance, legendary Amir Khan, the famous Bollywood celebrity, is known for his inspirational and creative movies but not for his wealth or attractive personality. Adolescents copying his qualities and attributes have promoted strong moral and ethical values in a society. On the contrary, few people believe that following superstars and famous people displaying negativity can mislead young people of our society. Proponents of this viewpoint believe that inspiring from their negative roles and displaying the same act at home or in streets can have a severe impact on the society. Moreover, celebrities are often found in smoking advertisements, charged with drugs and other criminal activities, youth following their path can result in the destruction of ethical values of a society. For instance, Sanjay Dutt, Bollywood Actor is well known for his money and roles as a villain, his terrorist acts in different movies have given rise to violence and crime in streets of Mumbai, all these were committed by adolescents for thrill and adventure. To recapitulate, the aforementioned provides plausible arguments in favour of both views. There is no doubt that famous people have their influence, as youth is not mature and in the growing phase of their life. However, one should not criticise the celebrities as it depends on the young people how they perceive and take it forward.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Word form Original: hard-work Suggested revision: hard work Why it matters: As a noun phrase, hard work is usually written without a hyphen.
- 2. Missing so Original: very famous and popular that Suggested revision: so famous and popular that Why it matters: Use so ... that for this result structure.
- 3. Wrong collocation Original: get their glimpse Suggested revision: get a glimpse of them Why it matters: This is the natural expression.
- 4. Quantifier meaning Original: Few people believe Suggested revision: Some people believe Why it matters: Few means not many; some better introduces an opposing view.
- 5. Idiom error Original: follow their footprint Suggested revision: follow in their footsteps Why it matters: The fixed idiom uses footsteps, not footprint.
- 6. Task focus drift Original: merits and demerits of idealising celebrities Suggested revision: whether celebrity fame sets a bad example Why it matters: The task is agree/disagree, not simply advantages and disadvantages.
- 7. Repetitive wording Original: Idealising and treating them as their idol Suggested revision: Viewing them as role models Why it matters: The original repeats the same idea and uses idol awkwardly.
- 8. Idiom error Original: Following their footprints Suggested revision: Following in their footsteps Why it matters: Use the plural idiom footsteps.
- 9. Number error Original: bring change in their life Suggested revision: bring change to their lives Why it matters: Adolescents is plural, so lives is needed, and bring change to is more natural.
- 10. Missing article Original: For instance, legendary Amir Khan Suggested revision: For instance, the legendary Amir Khan Why it matters: The noun phrase needs an article before the adjective and name.
- 11. Wrong preposition Original: inspiring from their negative roles Suggested revision: being inspired by their negative roles Why it matters: People are inspired by something, not inspired from it.
- 12. Unnatural phrase Original: displaying the same act Suggested revision: imitating the same behaviour Why it matters: Imitating behaviour is the natural phrase for copying actions.
Suggested Rewrites
- hard-work hard work
- very famous and popular that so famous and popular that
- get their glimpse get a glimpse of them
- Few people believe Some people believe
- follow their footprint follow in their footsteps
- merits and demerits of idealising celebrities whether celebrity fame sets a bad example
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay discusses both positive and negative celebrity influence and gives a partial disagreement with the statement. However, it does not consistently focus on whether celebrities are famous more for glamour and wealth than achievements, and some examples about film roles and crime are not fully relevant.
Keep each paragraph tied to the exact claim: fame for achievement versus fame for wealth and glamour, and whether this sets a bad example.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a recognizable argument, but the response is written as one long paragraph and contains overloaded sentences. Progression from partial disagreement to both sides is understandable, yet paragraphing and referencing are weak.
Use four paragraphs: introduction with position, positive celebrity examples, negative celebrity influence, and conclusion.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary range is fairly broad, with terms such as fame, fortune, creativity, role model, ethical values, and adolescents. Accuracy is uneven, with awkward or incorrect phrases such as get their glimpse, follow their footprint, inspiring from, and displaying the same act.
Use natural collocations: get a glimpse of them, follow in their footsteps, be inspired by, and imitate their behaviour.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The essay uses a range of complex structures, but errors with articles, plural forms, relative clauses, punctuation, and sentence boundaries are frequent. Some long sentences join too many ideas and become unclear.
Separate long sentences and check plural forms after few, people, celebrities, and adolescents.