Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Sample Response
Mass media enabled inviting fame to those who have a commanding presence and dominant influence, best of whom are celebrities. People follow their leads as their graceful lives set bars for glory, far less than their own achievements. As this needs imperative attention, I think it shall take a while for this concern to be addressed. Marked by their elusive beauties, celebrities hail in all forms of media; thus, people only see their outer sophistication. Nonetheless, their achievements are commonly left unnoticed. This is mainly due to idolatry where beauty is considered an investment. Hence, in today's era, a person need someone to look up to and is perfect enough to stand out among the rest. This notion is even exacerbated by the media, to which they preserve one's outer elements as priorities. For instance, adverts hire celebrities whose commanding influence hypnotises others to follow. This is quite hard to control since creativity is companies' best shot. Notwithstanding the attention that artists' glamour and richness are getting, this creates a notion to people's mind to achieve something rather than to stay mediocre and plebeian. However, the point of losing one’s sight towards achievements is getting into trouble. This create a bad impact to our society since people no longer feel the hunger to do the best in their own fields instead, they want to become gorgeous, rather than a winner, because it is perceived as a trend way more than the other. By and large, I think it has both positive and negative remarks. Albeit the fact that one is given more importance than the other, still, people consider a point of reference for standards. The drawbacks may outweigh the good points, I believe that general trends be acknowledged on their own.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Verb structure Original: Mass media enabled inviting fame Suggested revision: Mass media has made fame possible Why it matters: The original verb pattern is unnatural and unclear.
- 2. Unclear phrase Original: best of whom are celebrities Suggested revision: especially celebrities Why it matters: Best of whom does not fit the intended meaning.
- 3. Wrong collocation Original: set bars for glory Suggested revision: set standards for success Why it matters: Set standards is the natural phrase; bars for glory is awkward.
- 4. Comparison unclear Original: far less than their own achievements Suggested revision: rather than their achievements Why it matters: The comparison needs a clear contrast between image and achievement.
- 5. Agreement error Original: a person need someone Suggested revision: a person needs someone Why it matters: A singular subject requires needs.
- 6. Overstated verb Original: hypnotises others to follow Suggested revision: persuades others to follow Why it matters: Hypnotises is too strong and imprecise for advertising influence.
- 7. Preposition error Original: creates a notion to people's mind Suggested revision: creates a notion in people's minds Why it matters: Use in with minds and make minds plural.
- 8. Agreement error Original: This create a bad impact Suggested revision: This creates a bad impact Why it matters: This is singular, so the verb needs -s.
- 9. Run-on link Original: instead, they want to become gorgeous Suggested revision: Instead, they want to become famous for their appearance Why it matters: Start a new sentence and make the contrast clearer.
- 10. Wrong noun Original: positive and negative remarks Suggested revision: positive and negative effects Why it matters: Effects is the appropriate noun for consequences.
- 11. Comma splice Original: The drawbacks may outweigh the good points, I believe that Suggested revision: Although the drawbacks may outweigh the good points, I believe that Why it matters: The two clauses cannot be joined only by a comma.
- 12. Missing modal Original: general trends be acknowledged Suggested revision: general trends should be acknowledged Why it matters: A modal is needed before the passive verb.
Suggested Rewrites
- Mass media enabled inviting fame Mass media has made fame possible
- best of whom are celebrities especially celebrities
- set bars for glory set standards for success
- far less than their own achievements rather than their achievements
- a person need someone a person needs someone
- hypnotises others to follow persuades others to follow
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay addresses celebrity glamour, wealth, achievement, and influence on young people, and it gives a partly relevant view. However, the position is inconsistent: it first agrees that the issue needs attention, then says there are both positive and negative remarks, and the extent of agreement is not clearly answered.
State a clear degree of agreement in the introduction and conclusion, then develop one paragraph on why glamour can be harmful and one on any limited positive influence.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a basic essay shape, but progression is hard to follow because several ideas are abstract, transitions are weak, and the whole response is compressed into one block. References such as this, the other, and this notion are often unclear.
Use four paragraphs and begin each body paragraph with a concrete topic sentence before adding examples.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary is ambitious and varied, with words such as idolatry, sophistication, mediocre, and standards. However, many choices are unnatural or overformal, which sometimes obscures meaning.
Prefer precise but natural wording: public image, achievements, role models, material success, appearance, and social influence.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The essay attempts complex clauses, but errors in agreement, articles, word form, and sentence control are frequent. Meaning is usually recoverable, but several sentences are strained or unclear.
Reduce sentence length and check each clause for subject-verb agreement, especially after people, person, notion, and drawbacks.