Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Sample Response
It is certainly true that today more TV and movie personalities are better known for their glamorous look and wealth rather than their accomplishments. This will probably have a negative impact on gullible young individuals but not for the critically thinking teenagers. The primary reason to agree with this statement is that minors are gullible. They are easily taken into those who they watch in television, movie or even in advertisements. For instance, Philippine presidential sister and TV and movie superstar, Ms. Kris Aquino is the most admired especially for the Filipino adolescents, and at the same time most dislike celebrity in the country. She came from a very powerful political family, but she uses her wealth for the sake of glamour through liposuction and spending too much for expensive branded products such as Louis Vuitton, Chanel and Hermes. This will perhaps affect believing younger people in a negative way because she is actually showing that it is alright to spend too much money for manipulating God-given body and for unnecessary costly things. On the other hand, not all young ones are credulous; most of them are critical thinkers. So they are wisely enough not to look just the allurement and richness of TV and commercial stars but to focus their notable achievements. For example, the international boxer figure, Emmanuel "Manny" Pacquiao who was then a typical Filipino poor man, and became an extremely wealthy boxing man because of his undeniably perseverance and dedication. These are the qualities some youths in the Philippines are trying to emulate In conclusion, I think that in my country, there are more discerning younger people than unwise ones. So they are not easily affected by just the celebrities' beautiful aura and wealth. They know which one to be emulated and that is the figure's good qualities.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Task wording Original: TV and movie personalities Suggested revision: celebrities Why it matters: The task term is broader and more concise.
- 2. Natural noun Original: glamorous look Suggested revision: glamorous looks Why it matters: Looks is normally plural when referring to appearance.
- 3. Article and form Original: not for the critically thinking teenagers Suggested revision: not on critical-thinking teenagers Why it matters: Impact is on someone, and the general plural does not need the.
- 4. Wrong phrase Original: taken into those who they watch Suggested revision: influenced by those they watch Why it matters: Influenced by expresses the intended meaning.
- 5. Preposition choice Original: in television Suggested revision: on television Why it matters: We say watch something on television.
- 6. Superlative form Original: most dislike celebrity Suggested revision: most disliked celebrity Why it matters: The adjective needs the past participle form.
- 7. Verb pattern Original: spending too much for expensive branded products Suggested revision: spending too much on expensive branded products Why it matters: Spend money on something is the correct pattern.
- 8. Natural adjective Original: believing younger people Suggested revision: impressionable young people Why it matters: This more accurately describes people who may be influenced.
- 9. Academic tone Original: manipulating God-given body Suggested revision: altering one's natural appearance Why it matters: The original phrase is emotionally loaded and less academic.
- 10. Adjective form Original: So they are wisely enough Suggested revision: So they are wise enough Why it matters: Use the adjective wise after are.
- 11. Unnatural words Original: the allurement and richness Suggested revision: the attractiveness and wealth Why it matters: Allurement and richness sound unnatural in this context.
- 12. Missing preposition Original: focus their notable achievements Suggested revision: focus on their notable achievements Why it matters: Focus requires on before the object.
Suggested Rewrites
- TV and movie personalities celebrities
- glamorous look glamorous looks
- not for the critically thinking teenagers not on critical-thinking teenagers
- taken into those who they watch influenced by those they watch
- in television on television
- most dislike celebrity most disliked celebrity
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response answers the extent question and gives a nuanced position that some young people are negatively influenced while others think critically. However, the argument relies heavily on two local celebrity examples and does not fully examine the broader issue.
State the extent clearly, then give one general reason and one example for each side rather than letting examples carry most of the paragraph.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is written as a single paragraph, and the conclusion is attached to the previous example. This seriously weakens readability even though the argument sequence can be followed.
Use four paragraphs: introduction, reason for agreement, reason for partial disagreement, and conclusion.
Lexical Resource
There is some range in vocabulary, including glamour, wealth, accomplishments, gullible, and emulate. Several choices are awkward or inaccurate, such as taken into, believing younger people, allurement, and aura.
Use natural collocations such as influenced by, impressionable young people, attractiveness, achievements, and role models.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The essay contains understandable complex sentences, but there are frequent article, preposition, word-form, and sentence-boundary errors. Run-on structure reduces control.
Break the single paragraph into shorter sentences and check verb forms after because of, focus on, and affect.