An increased number of people today change their career and living places in their lives. Is it a positive or negative development?
Sample Response
With more and more technological advancement, the world is becoming smaller day by day. Modern means of transportation and communication have enabled the business organisations to become global. This has also opened doors for people to travel and live in different places in the world, and even have more career change options.
In spite of challenges associated with moving places, more and more people are keen to explore and experience living at different places. This not only takes away the boredom associated with living at the same place, or doing the same job for long, it also brings a lot of personal grooming and adaptation ability to one's character. This further improves their ability to grow in their career and seek out best opportunities available.
"Why say no to a great opportunity just because it needs the change of a place?", is the modern generation's thinking. The Internet and mobile phones have further helped with this cause.
But, there are some downsides of this. The traditional way of living at the same place and being in the same profession for many-many years provides stability and peace for both mind and body. One can keep better health by staying at one place. Life will be less stressful. And while adults may like the changes, it could be taxing for kids to adjust to new environments, and make new friends.
To conclude, there are both good and bad aspects of changing places or careers, but the fact is more and more people are embracing it, and this is becoming part and parcel of modern life. More the flexibility for change, better the career opportunities are.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Natural phrase Original: technological advancement Suggested revision: technological development Why it matters: This is a more natural general phrase.
- 2. Less cliché Original: the world is becoming smaller Suggested revision: global connections are becoming stronger Why it matters: The original is understandable but clichéd.
- 3. Article use Original: business organisations to become global Suggested revision: business organisations become global Why it matters: Enable can be followed by an object and base verb.
- 4. Formal tone Original: opened doors for people Suggested revision: created opportunities for people Why it matters: This is more formal and precise.
- 5. Wrong collocation Original: personal grooming Suggested revision: personal growth Why it matters: Personal grooming refers to appearance, not development of character.
- 6. Natural noun Original: adaptation ability Suggested revision: adaptability Why it matters: Adaptability is the concise noun for the ability to adapt.
- 7. Missing article Original: seek out best opportunities Suggested revision: seek out the best opportunities Why it matters: The superlative needs the article the.
- 8. Avoid quotation style Original: "Why say no to a great opportunity just because it needs the change of a place?" Suggested revision: Many people now ask why they should reject a good opportunity simply because it requires relocation. Why it matters: A direct quotation is less suitable for this academic paragraph.
- 9. Formal transition Original: But, there are some downsides Suggested revision: However, there are some downsides Why it matters: However is a smoother formal contrast marker.
- 10. Informal repetition Original: many-many years Suggested revision: many years Why it matters: The repeated word sounds informal.
- 11. Formal wording Original: taxing for kids Suggested revision: difficult for children Why it matters: This is clearer and more academic.
- 12. Comparative structure Original: More the flexibility for change, better the career opportunities are Suggested revision: The more flexible people are, the better their career opportunities become Why it matters: Use the more..., the better... structure.
Suggested Rewrites
- technological advancement technological development
- the world is becoming smaller global connections are becoming stronger
- business organisations to become global business organisations become global
- opened doors for people created opportunities for people
- personal grooming personal growth
- adaptation ability adaptability
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay addresses the topic and considers both benefits and drawbacks of changing careers and places. However, the final position is not fully decisive about whether the development is positive or negative, and some points are broad.
State clearly that the development is positive overall, then explain why career opportunity and adaptability outweigh stress and instability.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response is paragraphed clearly and progresses from background to advantages, disadvantages, and conclusion. Some very short paragraphs interrupt development and could be integrated more smoothly.
Combine the quotation-style paragraph with the advantages paragraph, and use clearer topic sentences for the negative side.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is generally adequate for mobility, careers, and modern life. Some collocations are unnatural, including technological advancement, personal grooming, taxing for kids, and part and parcel.
Use precise phrases such as technological development, personal growth, challenging for children, and a common feature of modern life.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Grammar is mostly understandable, with some complex structures. Errors occur in articles, comparatives, word order, and sentence fragments, but they rarely block meaning.
Edit short emphatic sentences and comparative structures so they form complete academic sentences.