In many countries, children are engaged in different kinds of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it a valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What is your opinion? Write no less than 250 words.
Sample Response
Whether young school children should participate in various kinds of paid workworks or not has sparked heated debates in many nations. Some argue that engaging in paid work at an early agein early age is an efficient way of gaining valuable life experience; however, I believe it is harmful to put young students in paid works in mostany circumstances.
To begin with, children are not physically mature enough to take on paid jobs. A substantial amount of medical evidenceA substantial of medical evidence has suggested that the human body requires several years of developmenthuman body development requires a certain period of years to reach its maturity before children can fully participate in heavy physical activitiesto be fully participated in heavy physical activities. When children are placed in paid work roles, they are expected to perform and complete some tasks that involve adequate physical strengthadequate body strengths and energy that are only appropriate for adults rather than for childrenrather than children. Thus, it could be physically harmful to encourage children to work for paid jobs.
Apart from that, social scientists believe that the immaturity of children’s mental development could be a determiningdeterminant factor that stops children from having a satisfactory experience in paid jobsroles. They further suggest that working environment and relationships among colleagues can be too complicatedrelationships among colleagues are too complicated to be understood by young children. Thus, children may experience frustrations and anxiety when they are interacting with their adult colleagues. As a result, it could hinder children’s mental development, such as the development of self-confidence and self-respectself-confident and self-respect development, in this crucial stage of their lives if they are in paid rolesif they are in the paid role.
To conclude, children taking paid work may cause physical and mental stress that could impact on their development negatively. However, some age-appropriate and well-organised voluntary work experiencesome age appropriate and well organised voluntary work experience are believed to be beneficial to young children, which should be largely encouraged in schools and local communities.
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response presents a clear, consistent position and develops two relevant reasons about the physical and psychological risks of paid work for children. Its main weakness is the limited treatment of the potential value of carefully controlled work experience, while repeated wording and inaccurate collocations reduce polish. The highest-priority improvement is to acknowledge that opposing perspective briefly and then refine noun phrases and verb patterns for more natural, accurate expression.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The essay gives a clear opinion against paid work for children and supports it with physical and psychological reasons. The position is consistent, but it is rather absolute and gives limited attention to the opposing view in the prompt.
Briefly acknowledge what kind of limited work experience might be useful, then explain why paid work is still risky for children.
Coherence and Cohesion
The structure is clear, with an introduction, two reason paragraphs, and a conclusion. Progression is easy to follow, although some linking phrases are formulaic and the second body paragraph repeats children and paid roles heavily.
Use more flexible links between cause and effect and reduce repeated nouns through careful substitution.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is relevant to child development and employment, but there are several unnatural collocations such as paid works, early age, body strengths, and self-confident development.
Use natural collocations: paid work, at an early age, physical strength, self-confidence, and self-respect.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The essay attempts complex sentences, but word-form, article, agreement, and preposition errors are frequent. Meaning remains clear, yet accuracy is not high enough for a stronger band.
Edit noun phrases and verb patterns after prepositions, especially engaging in, participate in, and impact on.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
In many countries, children are engaged in different kinds of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it a valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What is your opinion? Write no less than 250 words.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.