In many countries, children are engaged in different kinds of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it a valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What is your opinion? Write no less than 250 words.
Sample Response
Whether young school children should participate in various kinds of paid works or not has sparked heated debates in many nations. Some argue that engaging in paid work in early age is an efficient way of gaining valuable life experience; however, I believe it is harmful to put young students in paid works in any circumstances.
To begin with, children are not physically mature enough to take on paid jobs. A substantial of medical evidence has suggested that human body development requires a certain period of years to reach its maturity to be fully participated in heavy physical activities. When children are placed in paid work roles, they are expected to perform and complete some tasks that involve adequate body strengths and energy that are only appropriate for adults rather than children. Thus, it could be physically harmful to encourage children to work for paid jobs.
Apart from that, social scientists believe that the immaturity of children’s mental development could be a determinant factor that stops children from having a satisfactory experience in paid roles. They further suggest that working environment and relationships among colleagues are too complicated to be understood by young children. Thus, children may experience frustrations and anxiety when they are interacting with their adult colleagues. As a result, it could hinder children’s mental development, such as self-confident and self-respect development, in this crucial stage of their lives if they are in the paid role.
To conclude, children taking paid work may cause physical and mental stress that could impact on their development negatively. However, some age appropriate and well organised voluntary work experience are believed to be beneficial to young children, which should be largely encouraged in schools and local communities.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Uncountable noun Original: paid works Suggested revision: paid work Why it matters: Work is uncountable when referring to employment generally.
- 2. Article needed Original: in early age Suggested revision: at an early age Why it matters: This is the standard time phrase.
- 3. Over-absolute claim Original: in any circumstances Suggested revision: in most circumstances Why it matters: The conclusion allows voluntary work, so the thesis should not sound completely absolute.
- 4. Missing noun Original: A substantial of medical evidence Suggested revision: A substantial amount of medical evidence Why it matters: Substantial needs a noun such as amount when referring to evidence.
- 5. Natural phrasing Original: human body development requires a certain period of years Suggested revision: the human body requires several years of development Why it matters: The revised wording is clearer and more grammatical.
- 6. Verb pattern Original: to be fully participated in heavy physical activities Suggested revision: before children can fully participate in heavy physical activities Why it matters: Participate is intransitive and cannot be used in this passive form.
- 7. Natural noun Original: adequate body strengths Suggested revision: adequate physical strength Why it matters: Physical strength is the natural collocation.
- 8. Comparison clarity Original: rather than children Suggested revision: rather than for children Why it matters: Adding for makes the comparison parallel with appropriate for adults.
- 9. Job wording Original: in paid roles Suggested revision: in paid jobs Why it matters: Paid jobs is more natural when discussing child labour generally.
- 10. Common collocation Original: a determinant factor Suggested revision: a determining factor Why it matters: Determining factor is the usual phrase.
- 11. Article use Original: relationships among colleagues are too complicated Suggested revision: relationships among colleagues can be too complicated Why it matters: Can be avoids making the claim too universal.
- 12. Word form Original: self-confident and self-respect development Suggested revision: the development of self-confidence and self-respect Why it matters: Use noun forms after development of.
Suggested Rewrites
- paid works paid work
- in early age at an early age
- in any circumstances in most circumstances
- A substantial of medical evidence A substantial amount of medical evidence
- human body development requires a certain period of years the human body requires several years of development
- to be fully participated in heavy physical activities before children can fully participate in heavy physical activities
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay gives a clear opinion against paid work for children and supports it with physical and psychological reasons. The position is consistent, but it is rather absolute and gives limited attention to the opposing view in the prompt.
Briefly acknowledge what kind of limited work experience might be useful, then explain why paid work is still risky for children.
Coherence and Cohesion
The structure is clear, with an introduction, two reason paragraphs, and a conclusion. Progression is easy to follow, although some linking phrases are formulaic and the second body paragraph repeats children and paid roles heavily.
Use more flexible links between cause and effect and reduce repeated nouns through careful substitution.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is relevant to child development and employment, but there are several unnatural collocations such as paid works, early age, body strengths, and self-confident development.
Use natural collocations: paid work, at an early age, physical strength, self-confidence, and self-respect.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The essay attempts complex sentences, but word-form, article, agreement, and preposition errors are frequent. Meaning remains clear, yet accuracy is not high enough for a stronger band.
Edit noun phrases and verb patterns after prepositions, especially engaging in, participate in, and impact on.