Cinema attendance in some countries is on the decline. What do you think are the causes of this development and what measures could be taken to solve it?
Sample Response
Although, cinema is becoming increasingly popular all over the world, but the result of a recent research reveals a downward trend cinema viewers affecting many countries in relation to this. This essay will discuss both causes of this trend and will propose a solution to solve this problem. Firstly, one of the main causes for the number of cinema goers to decline is the easy and fast internet access. Unlimited movie download facility from the Internet as well as watching it online is giving people the opportunity to watch their favourite movies at homes. ‘Globalization and popularity of foreign movies’ are two other reasons why people do not go to movie theatres to watch local-made movies. The quality of local-made movies has declined in many countries and that’s why many people think it does not worth to go to the cinema hall to watch a movie. There are some small measures that could be taken to decrease the sensitivity of this issue, restriction on Internet providers for free online movie videos could be an effective measure. Movies are copyrighted and the unlawful access to copyrighted materials for free should be controlled. In particular, the film industry can register a police report against online service providers for illegal copyrights of the original movies and free access to watch these. The quality of local movies should be enhanced to attract more people to watch it in the cinema halls. In summary, the above problems can be solved to some extent by applying the suggested measures. It can be predicted that the drop in cinema attendance could be controlled by taking proper measures.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Incorrect comma Original: Although, cinema Suggested revision: Although cinema Why it matters: Do not place a comma immediately after although here.
- 2. Double connector Original: but the result Suggested revision: the result Why it matters: Although and but should not be used together in the same clause structure.
- 3. Uncountable noun Original: a recent research Suggested revision: recent research Why it matters: Research is uncountable in this context and does not need a.
- 4. Missing preposition Original: reveals a downward trend cinema viewers Suggested revision: reveals a downward trend in cinema viewers Why it matters: Use in to connect trend with cinema viewers.
- 5. Empty phrase Original: in relation to this Suggested revision: Delete Why it matters: This phrase does not add meaning and makes the sentence wordy.
- 6. Repetition Original: solution to solve this problem Suggested revision: solution to this problem Why it matters: Solution and solve repeat the same idea.
- 7. Unnatural phrase Original: movie download facility Suggested revision: movie download services Why it matters: Services is the natural noun for online downloading.
- 8. Plural error Original: watch their favourite movies at homes Suggested revision: watch their favourite movies at home Why it matters: At home is the fixed phrase.
- 9. Wrong compound Original: local-made movies Suggested revision: locally made movies Why it matters: Locally made is the correct adjective phrase.
- 10. Verb pattern error Original: it does not worth Suggested revision: it is not worth Why it matters: Worth is used with be in this structure.
- 11. Wrong word choice Original: decrease the sensitivity of this issue Suggested revision: reduce the seriousness of this issue Why it matters: Sensitivity does not fit the meaning of a social problem here.
- 12. Missing article/plural Original: restriction on Internet providers Suggested revision: restrictions on Internet providers Why it matters: Use the plural noun for policy measures.
Suggested Rewrites
- Although, cinema Although cinema
- but the result the result
- a recent research recent research
- reveals a downward trend cinema viewers reveals a downward trend in cinema viewers
- in relation to this Delete
- solution to solve this problem solution to this problem
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response addresses both causes and measures, naming internet access, foreign films, weak local films, copyright control, and improved local quality. Development is limited because the essay is very compressed and the measures are not explained in enough practical detail.
Develop two causes and two measures in separate paragraphs, explaining how each one affects cinema attendance.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has no visible paragraphing, so the introduction, causes, solutions, and conclusion run together. Some linking is present, but sentence boundaries are weak and several ideas are joined mechanically.
Use four paragraphs and begin the solution section with a clear transition such as Several measures could address this decline.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is relevant to the topic, including cinema attendance, online movie videos, copyrighted materials, film industry, and local movies. However, word choice and collocation errors are frequent, including movie download facility, local-made movies, decrease the sensitivity, and register a police report.
Use natural film and policy vocabulary: streaming and downloads, locally made films, reduce the seriousness of the problem, and file a complaint.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses some complex structures, but frequent errors with articles, clauses, prepositions, and sentence construction reduce accuracy. Meaning is usually understandable, but several sentences need rewriting.
Avoid starting with Although plus but, and check each long sentence for a clear subject, verb, and object.