Cinema attendance in some countries is on the decline. What do you think are the causes of this development and what measures could be taken to solve it?
Sample Response
Entertainment is an important and essential tool in everyone’s life today. Cinema and music are the most effective means of relaxation and entertainment in people’s life. They put off the stress of the people. After a hectic day in the office, one feels burden off only when he watches the television or his favourite film. However, nowadays there is a decline in people who is watching cinemas in the theatre. There are some important reasons for this cause. I will illustrate them along with the measures to solve the issue in the following phrases. In the first, the main cause for the decline in the number of people watching cinema is the arousal of piracy at peak level in the community. One feels that it is merely a waste of money to watch the film in the theatre when he can watch it for free or at a low price in the computer or in television by using the pirated DVD or CD. Secondly, people find it boring to watch the same routine stories; there are no new concepts and new messages being conveyed by the cinema. People nowadays are very busy with their daily life. Many of them prefer to stay at home to relax rather than watching a movie on the weekends. However, there are also reasons like the raised prices of the cinema tickets wherein people of all classes cannot afford it. However, measures like strict government rules for the eradication of the piracy must be implemented; seizing off the internet centres and other online centres for selling the pirated DVDs and CDs. Film industry must come up with new innovative concepts showing the advancement in technology, the life history of great leaders, historical stories and stories relating to the woman development and empowerment. Cinemas must show the reflection of the real life along with the entertainment they provide us. Furthermore, expense on film tickets must be liberalised so that everyone can watch the film. In addition, quality of the movies should be raised and there must be some standards set for the movies so that people of all the age group film comfortable to watch it. To conclude, the above-mentioned reasons are causes for the decline in the people watching movies. However, there are also remedies which I hope that the authority will look after.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use correct collocation Original: put off the stress Suggested revision: relieve stress Why it matters: The natural phrase is "relieve stress", not "put off stress".
- 2. Clarify feeling Original: burden off Suggested revision: less burdened Why it matters: The phrase is incomplete and unnatural.
- 3. Fix agreement Original: decline in people who is watching cinemas Suggested revision: decline in the number of people who watch films Why it matters: The relative clause needs plural agreement and a clearer object.
- 4. Use essay term Original: following phrases Suggested revision: following paragraphs Why it matters: Essays have paragraphs, not phrases, for developed points.
- 5. Use natural phrase Original: arousal of piracy at peak level Suggested revision: rise of piracy Why it matters: The original wording is unnatural and overcomplicated.
- 6. Fix prepositions Original: in the computer or in television Suggested revision: on a computer or on television Why it matters: The correct preposition for these media is "on".
- 7. Use parallel verb Original: rather than watching a movie Suggested revision: rather than watch a movie Why it matters: After "prefer to stay", the parallel structure is "rather than watch".
- 8. Use natural phrase Original: raised prices Suggested revision: rising prices Why it matters: This better describes ticket prices increasing over time.
- 9. Remove article Original: eradication of the piracy Suggested revision: eradication of piracy Why it matters: "Piracy" is used generally and does not need "the".
- 10. Use clear action Original: seizing off the internet centres Suggested revision: shutting down internet centres Why it matters: "Seizing off" is not a natural phrase.
- 11. Use possessive plural Original: woman development Suggested revision: women's development Why it matters: The phrase needs the plural possessive noun.
- 12. Fix typo and phrase Original: age group film comfortable Suggested revision: age groups feel comfortable Why it matters: The phrase contains a wrong word and needs plural agreement.
Suggested Rewrites
- put off the stress relieve stress
- burden off less burdened
- decline in people who is watching cinemas decline in the number of people who watch films
- following phrases following paragraphs
- arousal of piracy at peak level rise of piracy
- in the computer or in television on a computer or on television
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay addresses both causes and measures, identifying piracy, repetitive stories, busy lifestyles, and ticket prices, then proposing stricter rules, better films, and cheaper tickets. The coverage is relevant but uneven, and some remedies are vague or unrealistic.
Choose the two strongest causes and match each with a practical measure, explaining exactly how the measure would increase cinema attendance.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response has an overall cause-solution sequence, but it is written as one long paragraph and contains repeated transition words such as however. This weakens progression and makes the argument harder to scan.
Use separate paragraphs for introduction, causes, solutions, and conclusion, and avoid starting several nearby sentences with the same linker.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is adequate for entertainment, piracy, theatres, ticket prices, and film quality. However, several collocations are inaccurate or informal, such as put off the stress, arousal of piracy, following phrases, and liberalised expenses.
Use natural phrases such as "relieve stress", "rise of piracy", "following paragraphs", "reduce ticket prices", and "improve film quality".
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The essay is generally understandable, with some complex sentences. Errors with agreement, prepositions, articles, and word forms are frequent, especially in longer sentences.
Check subject-verb agreement and prepositions in every sentence, and split long cause-solution sentences into shorter ones.