Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Band 7.0 IELTS Writing Task 2 Essay Correction
Student Essay
When people apply for a job, some employers ask for personal information such as hobbies, interests, and marital status. Some people believe this information is useful for choosing the right employee, while others think it is unnecessary. This essay will discuss both views and give my opinion.
On the one hand, personal information can help employers understand applicants better. For example, hobbies may show a person’s personality and skills. Someone who enjoys team sports may work well with others, while a person who likes reading may have good concentration. In addition, some employers think that married people are more responsible and stable. Therefore, personal information may help companies make a better decision.
On the other hand, many people believe that this information is not related to job performance. The most important factors should be education, work experience, and professional skills. A person’s hobbies or family situation do not always affect how well they can do their job. Moreover, asking about marital status may lead to unfair treatment. For example, some employers may prefer single people because they think they can work longer hours. This is not fair to married applicants.
In my opinion, employers should mainly focus on the abilities and experience of candidates. Some personal information, such as hobbies, can be useful if it is connected to the job. However, information like marital status should not be considered because it may cause discrimination. Every applicant should have the same chance based on their qualifications.
In conclusion, although personal information may help employers understand applicants better, I believe job-related skills and experience are much more important. Employers should avoid using personal information that is not relevant to the job.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. 词汇多样性 certain recruiters request personal details
- 2. 学术表达 This essay will examine both perspectives before presenting my own viewpoint.
- 3. 词汇升级 gain deeper insights into applicants' profiles
- 4. 搭配优化 make more informed hiring decisions
- 5. 词汇升级 irrelevant to
- 6. 句式与词汇升级 For instance, candidates who engage in team sports often demonstrate strong collaborative skills, whereas those who prefer solitary activities like reading may exhibit high levels of focus.
- 7. 表达地道性 Every applicant deserves an equal opportunity to be assessed solely on their professional qualifications.
- 8. 开头段优化 开头段结构非常清晰，完美复述了题目。如果能将最后一句的模板化声明（This essay will discuss...）改写为直接表明个人立场的句子，会使文章开篇更有说服力。
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
任务回应
文章完整地回答了题目中的所有要求。清晰地讨论了“个人信息有用”和“个人信息无关/不公”这两个对立观点，并在后半部分及结论中明确阐述了个人立场，即支持适度收集与工作相关的个人信息，但反对收集可能导致歧视的信息（如婚姻状况）。
可以通过在论证中引入更具体的行业实例或法律背景（如反就业歧视法），使论证深度更进一步。
连贯与衔接
文章结构非常清晰，段落分明。使用了经典的双边讨论结构，过渡词（On the one hand, On the other hand, In addition, Moreover, In conclusion）使用自然且恰当，逻辑衔接紧密，读者易于跟进。
可以尝试减少一些过于模板化的连接词，使用更自然的指代或逻辑承接词来提升行文的流畅度。
词汇资源
词汇运用准确，拼写无误，能够清晰表达意思。但整体词汇较为基础，且存在较多重复（如多次使用 personal information, employers, applicants）。
需要积累和使用更多高阶同义替换词汇，例如用 'private details' 或 'background information' 代替 'personal information'，用 'recruiters' 或 'hiring managers' 代替 'employers'。
语法多样性与准确性
语法准确性极高，几乎没有明显的语法错误。能够熟练运用多种句式，包括定语从句、让步状语从句和条件状语从句，标点符号使用规范。
可以尝试使用一些更复杂的句式结构，如倒装句、非谓语动词短语作状语等，以展示更高的语言控制力。