If we look back at history it is seen that violence and conflict were evident under male leadership than female leadership. Does this suggest that female leadership is a better option? Would it ensure the peace and better growth in the society? What is your opinion on that?
Sample Response
Based on the world historical events, it can be seen that there was more violence and confrontation under men's leadership compare to the women's. Some people believe that one of the solutions to world peace would be by appointing more women leaders. I personally disagree with the statement as I believe that gender does not affect to crime or conflicts, but it depends on the leader's personality.
Many people think that there are more conflicts and wars under the leadership of men. History had shown that due to several male leaders' ambition, some of the bloodiest war had happened. One of the examples is Adolf Hitler who had the ambition to conquered Europe. Due to his ideology, there were more than 10 million people died during World War 2. And in another case, Japan had lost so many lives, due to its dictator leader King Akihito, whereas Nagasaki and Hiroshima had been bombed by the American. Based on these historical events, some people have a conclusion that men have the tendency to use military force in their leadership which would trigger conflicts.
On the other hand, a group of people believe that conflict and confrontation are lower under women's leadership, therefore there should be more women leaders in the world. However, some people disagree with it, since there were some women leaders who also had shown their strength and power. For example, the former Prime Minister of England, Margaret Thatcher had triggered the Malvinas war between Argentine and England. Many experts think that gender would have less correlation with conflict or violence. They believe that personal ideology, ambition and character are the factors that affect leadership style.
In conclusion, although history had shown that there were more wars and confrontations during male leaderships, some female leaders also showed their ambition and aggressiveness. I personally believe that the sex of leaders would not have significant effect on their leadership style, but it is their personality that affected their leadership style.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Natural phrase Original: world historical events Suggested revision: historical events Why it matters: World is unnecessary because historical events already gives the intended meaning.
- 2. Comparison form Original: men's leadership compare to the women's Suggested revision: men's leadership compared with women's leadership Why it matters: Compared with is needed, and the comparison should be completed clearly.
- 3. Natural structure Original: by appointing more women leaders Suggested revision: to appoint more women leaders Why it matters: The infinitive gives a cleaner explanation of the proposed solution.
- 4. Verb pattern Original: does not affect to crime or conflicts Suggested revision: does not affect crime or conflict Why it matters: Affect is a transitive verb and should not be followed by to.
- 5. Clear reference Original: it depends on the leader's personality Suggested revision: these outcomes depend on the leader's personality Why it matters: It is vague; these outcomes makes the reference clearer.
- 6. Tense choice Original: History had shown Suggested revision: History has shown Why it matters: Use present perfect for evidence that remains relevant now.
- 7. Plural and tense Original: some of the bloodiest war had happened Suggested revision: some of the bloodiest wars happened Why it matters: Wars should be plural, and simple past is enough here.
- 8. Infinitive error Original: had the ambition to conquered Europe Suggested revision: had the ambition to conquer Europe Why it matters: Use the base verb after to.
- 9. Clause structure Original: there were more than 10 million people died Suggested revision: more than 10 million people died Why it matters: The sentence does not need there were before the subject and verb.
- 10. Formal transition Original: And in another case Suggested revision: In another case Why it matters: Starting with And is less formal and unnecessary here.
- 11. Tense and tone Original: Japan had lost so many lives Suggested revision: Japan lost many lives Why it matters: Simple past is better, and many is more formal than so many.
- 12. Factual accuracy Original: King Akihito Suggested revision: Emperor Hirohito Why it matters: This historical example is inaccurate, which weakens the support for the argument.
Suggested Rewrites
- world historical events historical events
- men's leadership compare to the women's men's leadership compared with women's leadership
- by appointing more women leaders to appoint more women leaders
- does not affect to crime or conflicts does not affect crime or conflict
- it depends on the leader's personality these outcomes depend on the leader's personality
- History had shown History has shown
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay answers the question with a clear disagreement and explains that leadership style depends more on personality, ideology, and ambition than gender. The argument is relevant and includes examples, but some historical examples are inaccurate or oversimplified, which weakens support.
Keep the clear position, but use more accurate examples and directly answer whether female leadership would ensure peace and growth, not only whether women can also be aggressive.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear four-paragraph structure and uses contrast between male and female leadership arguments. Cohesion is generally effective, but some links are mechanical, and several sentences contain too much information or unclear references.
Use clearer topic sentences and connect examples back to the main claim after each example.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary range is suitable for the topic, including violence, confrontation, ideology, ambition, correlation, and leadership style. Lexical problems include compare to the womens, affect to crime, have a conclusion, and leaderships.
Use accurate collocations: compared with, affect conflict, reach a conclusion, tendency to use force, and male leadership.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
There is a reasonable range of complex clauses, but errors in tense, articles, prepositions, plural nouns, and verb forms are frequent. Most meaning is understandable, but several grammar errors are prominent.
Review past-tense forms, prepositions after affect and compare, and singular/plural noun agreement throughout the essay.