We cannot help everyone in the world that needs help, so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Sample Response
Since man began to think seriously about making life more pleasant, discrimination became an integral and indispensable part of our quest for joy and happiness. Some people stand firmly on the belief that they should be only caring about their own communities and countries for helping everyone in the world is not possible while there is a considerable number of individuals who tend to think that all countries and communities should be taken into account. As far as I am concerned, we should help each other no matter how far our communities are. The following lines shed more light on the reasons for my preference.
One reason is that in this technological era, all nations and countries are related to each other closely. Therefore, if nations do not support each other, they cannot survive. For example, without a shadow of doubt economic trends in one country influences all other countries or at least a great number of other ones. In 2010, the inflation in the USA had a negative effect on developing countries in Middle-East immediately. However, it took some time to feel the same effect in Europe. The point here is that numerous countries encountered this issue at last but not at the same time.
One other reason is that we are all human beings and it is not ethical just to think of ourselves. Human has experienced a great deal of bright days and some horrible days in history. The latter was mainly because of the discrimination and not practising human rights. The most recent one was the Second World War which happened for the same reasons. Hence, not helping one another can lead to a new war and its consequences.
Last but not least, helping other nations, one nation can develop itself. Now, many advanced countries are trying to help some other developing nations. As an example, Australia is trying to help educate some African countries by funding their youth to study at Australia and then allowing them to go back to develop their own countries. As a result, Australia is known worldwide and has made an appropriate appearance even among developed countries.
Finally, being closely related, avoiding any tensions in the world by putting ethics into practice and developing your own country by helping other nations are the three main points to be indicated when thinking of the reasons to help other nations. If all communities consider the mentioned points, hopefully, the world will not see any new wars and becomes a better place for sure.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Unclear opening Original: discrimination became an integral and indispensable part Suggested revision: international responsibility has become an important issue Why it matters: The opening idea is not clearly connected to the prompt.
- 2. Verb form Original: they should be only caring Suggested revision: they should only care Why it matters: Use the base verb after should.
- 3. Linking phrase Original: for helping everyone Suggested revision: because helping everyone Why it matters: Because is clearer and more natural here.
- 4. Formulaic phrase Original: The following lines shed more light Suggested revision: The reasons for this view are explained below Why it matters: The original phrase is memorised and less academic.
- 5. Word order Original: countries are related to each other closely Suggested revision: countries are closely connected to each other Why it matters: The adverb is more natural before connected.
- 6. Agreement Original: economic trends in one country influences Suggested revision: economic trends in one country influence Why it matters: The plural subject trends needs the plural verb influence.
- 7. Standard spelling Original: Middle-East Suggested revision: the Middle East Why it matters: This region name is usually written without a hyphen and with the article.
- 8. Plural noun Original: Human has experienced Suggested revision: Humanity has experienced Why it matters: Human cannot be used this way as a singular collective noun.
- 9. Unneeded article Original: because of the discrimination Suggested revision: because of discrimination Why it matters: The general concept does not need the article the.
- 10. Unclear reference Original: The latter Suggested revision: These horrible periods Why it matters: The reference is not immediately clear enough.
- 11. Clause structure Original: helping other nations, one nation can develop itself Suggested revision: by helping other nations, a country can develop itself Why it matters: The opening phrase needs by to show means.
- 12. Preposition Original: study at Australia Suggested revision: study in Australia Why it matters: Use in with countries.
Suggested Rewrites
- discrimination became an integral and indispensable part international responsibility has become an important issue
- they should be only caring they should only care
- for helping everyone because helping everyone
- The following lines shed more light The reasons for this view are explained below
- countries are related to each other closely countries are closely connected to each other
- economic trends in one country influences economic trends in one country influence
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay gives a clear disagreement and develops several reasons for helping beyond national borders. The ideas are relevant, although some examples are broad and the opening discussion of discrimination is not well connected to the question.
Start with the exact issue of global responsibility and make each reason directly answer why help should extend beyond local communities.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a logical introduction, three body reasons, and a conclusion. Progression is generally clear, but some links are wordy and several sentences over-explain before reaching the point.
Use shorter topic sentences and make the first sentence of each body paragraph state the main reason directly.
Lexical Resource
There is a reasonably wide vocabulary range, including ethical, human rights, consequences, developing nations, and worldwide. Some phrases are unnatural, over-formal, or imprecise.
Replace memorised phrases with direct academic wording and avoid expressions that sound dramatic but add little meaning.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex sentences are attempted frequently, but errors with word form, subject-verb agreement, articles, and clause structure occur throughout. Meaning remains mostly clear.
Edit long sentences by splitting them into two shorter sentences when the grammar becomes overloaded.