Band 6.0 IELTS Writing Task 2 Correction

Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered? What is your view? Discuss.

Sample Response

In this modern era, children, unfortunately, endure some ailments that they are known as adults aches such as overweight. There are various reasons behind it. This illness originates from diet, sedentary lifestyle and genetics. I personally believe that three critical reasons of unhealthy diet, sedentary lifestyle and genetics considerably contribute to the development of such diseases in teenagers. The first cause of obesity is fatty food. Todays, most of the children are interested in junk food and fizzy drinks like sandwiches, chips and coke. These kinds of foods are not nutritious. Furthermore, a huge number of parents buy fast food for their children instead of preparing calorie-rich food at home. This issue can be solved by purchasing food from traditional restaurants (that they cook local foods), banning junk foods and advertising healthy foods in mass media, schools and textbooks. The second reason for obesity is an inactive lifestyle. The use of technological devices has gradually risen among children. They spend most of the time watching TV or playing video games on a computer, so the progress of these tools has led to declining the physical activities. This obstacle can be resolved by paying attention to bodily activities in schools and encouraging children to participating in sporting events. Moreover, parents can restrict playing video games on weekdays. In addition to this, the government can compel mass communication to advertise physical exercises. The third factor of obesity is genetics. Although genetics play a significant role in obesity of children, we cannot change or fortify our genetics. But human beings especially parents must visit genetics experts or do genetics tests before their child is born. In conclusion, obesity derives from several considerable components like foods, sedentary lifestyle and genetics. Any type of these elements demands effective solutions in order to cure this organic disorder.

IELTS Writing Correction

  • 1. Wrong phrase adult diseases
  • 2. Noun choice such as obesity
  • 3. Avoid repetition Several factors explain this trend.
  • 4. Spelling Today
  • 5. Meaning problem healthy food at home
  • 6. Relative clause traditional restaurants that cook local food
  • 7. Verb pattern has led to a decline in physical activity
  • 8. Verb form encouraging children to participate
Band score breakdown

IELTS Writing Criteria Scores

Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.

TR

Task Response

6.5
Feedback

The response covers causes and solutions and includes a personal view, but some causes are repeated and the genetics solution is underdeveloped and questionable.

Next step

Prioritise two stronger causes, develop each with a realistic solution, and make your personal view more explicit throughout.

CC

Coherence and Cohesion

6.0
Feedback

The essay has a clear cause-by-cause structure, but it is written as one long paragraph and transitions are sometimes list-like.

Next step

Use separate paragraphs for diet, sedentary lifestyle, genetics or prevention, and conclusion.

LR

Lexical Resource

6.0
Feedback

There is a reasonable topic vocabulary range, but several word choices are unnatural or inaccurate.

Next step

Use precise health and education vocabulary: childhood obesity, processed food, physical activity, prevention, and parental guidance.

GRA

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

5.5
Feedback

Grammar errors in relative clauses, articles, prepositions, and verb forms are frequent, but they usually do not block meaning.

Next step

Focus on correct noun phrases and verb patterns, especially encourage someone to do something and lead to a decline in.