Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Sample Response
The world is considered to change a lot day by day. People around the world become more educated than previous days and they are learning how to live on their own to avoid dependency on others. Firstly, while considering the older generation, they were not educated people on an average, mostly they did not know how to read and write. They needed to take help from others to write letters, legal documents and read letters, newspapers, documents etc. Secondly, older people believed that children should take care of them while they become old. And children also took responsibility to look after old people. So parents were more dependent on children. Thirdly, parents used to pampered children in older generation, for example, mother took care of homes as father worked outside to bring up family financially, so children were more dependent until they graduated from university, even children did not think about doing a part-time job to earn money, since the father took care of financial matters. On the other hand looking into the modern world or generation, almost all of the people are educated and they do not depend on others to write or read. Older people in the modern world are not dependent on their children. They are planning what to do after their retirement to avoid dependency on their children. However, they are considering going to a nursing home if they are not well. Parents in the modern world are teaching the children from childhood onwards how to take care of themselves since both parents working as full-timers so that children can learn how to live on their won. Most of the children from 15 years onwards are doing part-time jobs to earn and support their expenses. To sum up, in my point of view, in modern world people are not at all dependent on each other; everybody knows how to live on their own.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Unnatural opening Original: The world is considered to change Suggested revision: The world is changing Why it matters: The original phrase is awkward and indirect.
- 2. Time phrase Original: previous days Suggested revision: the past Why it matters: In the past is the natural phrase.
- 3. Natural noun Original: on their own to avoid dependency Suggested revision: independently Why it matters: This is more concise and natural.
- 4. Topic focus Original: Firstly, while considering the older generation Suggested revision: In the past, older generations Why it matters: This creates a clearer comparison.
- 5. Natural phrasing Original: they were not educated people on an average Suggested revision: people were less educated on average Why it matters: This fixes word order and the phrase on average.
- 6. Document phrase Original: legal documents and read letters Suggested revision: official documents and read letters Why it matters: Official documents is broader and more natural.
- 7. Time clause Original: while they become old Suggested revision: when they became old Why it matters: Use when and past tense for the older generation.
- 8. Verb form Original: parents used to pampered children Suggested revision: parents used to pamper children Why it matters: Used to is followed by the base verb.
- 9. Reference clarity Original: until they graduated from university Suggested revision: until the children graduated from university Why it matters: The pronoun they could refer to parents or children.
- 10. Transition punctuation Original: On the other hand looking into Suggested revision: On the other hand, in the modern world, Why it matters: The transition needs commas and a clearer phrase.
- 11. Missing verb Original: both parents working as full-timers Suggested revision: both parents work full-time Why it matters: The clause needs a finite verb.
- 12. Spelling error Original: live on their won Suggested revision: live on their own Why it matters: Own is misspelled.
Suggested Rewrites
- The world is considered to change The world is changing
- previous days the past
- on their own to avoid dependency independently
- Firstly, while considering the older generation In the past, older generations
- they were not educated people on an average people were less educated on average
- legal documents and read letters official documents and read letters
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response gives a clear opinion that people are more independent now and offers examples comparing older and modern generations. However, it does not properly develop the opposite view that people are more dependent on each other in the modern world, so the discuss-both-views task is only partially answered.
Add a full paragraph on modern dependence, such as reliance on technology, global supply chains, public services, employers, and family childcare.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is basic sequencing with firstly, secondly, thirdly, and on the other hand, but the response is one long paragraph and the contrast is confusing because older dependence is compared with modern independence rather than both views about the modern world.
Use separate paragraphs for the first view, the second view, and your opinion, with clear topic sentences.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is adequate for education, family, retirement, and independence, but several phrases are awkward or inaccurate, including previous days, on an average, legal documents, and live on their won.
Use natural phrases such as in the past, on average, official documents, financially independent, and live on their own.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Frequent grammar errors affect accuracy, especially articles, tense, subject-verb agreement, and clause boundaries. Meaning is usually understandable but often not controlled.
Write shorter sentences and proofread verbs after plural subjects such as people, parents, and children.