Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Sample Response
In the modern society, many people believe that dependence is a new trend in their daily basis, others reject this notion, holding a totally opposite opinion. In this essay, I shall explain my point of view by analysing both sides of the argument.
There are, however, a number of reasons connected with the reliance on each other in recent years. Firstly, since our jobs are becoming more complicated and specialised, teamwork and coordination among various departments group activity are more crucial than individual achievements. Admittedly, a successful management and leadership brings about various benefits, ranging from time-saving to cost-efficiency, therefore the ability to work in teams is a common requirement at the workplace. Secondly, men rely on technology. Apparently, since technology has influenced most human activities. As a consequence, people need to depend on specialist technicians in each area to sort out issues in their everyday life.
On the other hand, many may argue that people are more independent for certain reasons. Perhaps the financial freedom could be the primary causes leading to this situation, especially by the young people. For instance, more and more young people choose to do part-time jobs during their studies. This gives them a great economical independent as they do not need to depend on their parents for their pocket money. Moreover, thanks to the great popularity of the internet, people can easily find solutions for their problems without any help.
As discussed above, I am convinced that people have become more independent, in spite of their dependence on others in certain aspects.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Natural phrase Original: daily basis Suggested revision: daily lives Why it matters: Daily lives is more natural for this general social statement.
- 2. Noun phrase error Original: departments group activity Suggested revision: departments and group activities Why it matters: The original noun phrase is not grammatically formed and obscures the meaning.
- 3. Overgeneral and narrow Original: men rely on technology Suggested revision: people rely on technology and technical specialists Why it matters: People is more inclusive, and the task is about dependence on others, not only technology.
- 4. Word form Original: economical independent Suggested revision: economic independence Why it matters: Economic is the adjective, and independence is the noun needed after great.
- 5. Agreement Original: primary causes leading to this situation Suggested revision: primary cause of this situation Why it matters: The singular subject financial freedom requires cause, not causes.
- 6. Article use Original: In the modern society Suggested revision: In modern society Why it matters: The general phrase is normally used without the.
- 7. Imprecise wording Original: dependence is a new trend Suggested revision: dependence has increased Why it matters: The task asks whether people are more dependent, not whether dependence is fashionable.
- 8. Comma splice Original: others reject this notion Suggested revision: ; others reject this notion Why it matters: The comma joins two independent clauses; use a semicolon or start a new sentence.
- 9. Formal phrase Original: a totally opposite opinion Suggested revision: the opposite view Why it matters: This is more concise and formal.
- 10. Uncountable nouns Original: a successful management and leadership Suggested revision: successful management and leadership Why it matters: Management and leadership are uncountable in this general sense.
- 11. ; therefore, the ability Original: therefore the ability Suggested revision: A stronger punctuation break is needed before therefore. Why it matters: This can be made more accurate.
- 12. Article choice Original: Perhaps the financial freedom Suggested revision: Perhaps financial freedom Why it matters: Financial freedom is used generally here, so the is unnecessary.
Suggested Rewrites
- daily basis daily lives
- departments group activity departments and group activities
- men rely on technology people rely on technology and technical specialists
- economical independent economic independence
- primary causes leading to this situation primary cause of this situation
- In the modern society In modern society
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay discusses both views and gives a clear opinion that people have become more independent despite some dependence. The ideas are relevant, but some examples are thinly developed and the dependence argument sometimes becomes technology dependence rather than dependence on other people.
Develop each view with more precise examples of social, economic, or technological dependence and independence, then explain why independence is stronger overall.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear four-paragraph structure and uses basic contrast markers effectively. However, some sentences are fragmented, and internal progression within the dependence paragraph is occasionally unclear.
Make every paragraph begin with a direct topic sentence and ensure each example clearly supports that topic.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is adequate for society, work, teamwork, technology, financial freedom, and independence. There are several awkward collocations such as daily basis, economical independent, and sort out issues.
Use natural collocations such as everyday life, economic independence, solve problems, interdependence, and specialist support.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The essay attempts complex sentences, but errors in sentence boundaries, subject-verb agreement, articles, and word forms are frequent. Meaning is generally clear, though several clauses need restructuring.
Revise long sentences into shorter complete sentences, and check adjective-noun forms such as economic independence.