Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Sample Response
People have argued about how human life is in the modern days. A group of people believe that human beings have become more independent these days, but others think that humans are more dependent on their kind. The following essay will discuss both opinions, but in my personal view, I believe that people have become more independent nowadays. Several people believe that mankind has become more dependent on each other these days. Due to the globalisation, the cost of living in many countries has increased significantly in the past recent years which enforce both husband and wife to work hard, to fulfil their family's expenditures. As a result, many families are relying on their parents or babysitters in taking care of their children. On the other hand, some people think that humans are more independent these days. Firstly, due to the rapid development of the medical world, the average life expectancy of the human being has positively improved. As the senior people are healthier these days, it means that they are less dependent on their sibling or their children. Secondly, with the existence of electronic household devices, such as washing and drying machine and microwave oven, mankind are less dependent on housekeepers. They could just easily place their dirty clothes in the washing machine or just place the frozen food in the oven, and it will be ready in an instant. In conclusion, many people think that human beings are more independent these days, but others disagree with the statement. In my point of view, mankind is less reliable to others nowadays, since the world has improved in many ways, such as in the medical field and in information technology.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Natural opening Original: how human life is in the modern days Suggested revision: how people live in the modern world Why it matters: This is clearer and more idiomatic.
- 2. Agreement Original: A group of people believe Suggested revision: Some people believe Why it matters: This avoids the singular/plural mismatch.
- 3. Unnatural wording Original: humans are more dependent on their kind Suggested revision: people depend more on one another Why it matters: The original phrase sounds unnatural.
- 4. Avoid formula Original: The following essay will discuss Suggested revision: This essay will discuss Why it matters: The shorter version is less mechanical.
- 5. Modern wording Original: mankind has become Suggested revision: people have become Why it matters: Mankind is broad and somewhat old-fashioned.
- 6. Article use Original: Due to the globalisation Suggested revision: Due to globalisation Why it matters: Globalisation is uncountable here.
- 7. Time phrase Original: in the past recent years Suggested revision: in recent years Why it matters: Past recent years is redundant.
- 8. Agreement Original: which enforce both husband and wife Suggested revision: which forces both husband and wife Why it matters: The relative clause refers to the increased cost, so the verb should be singular.
- 9. Wrong verb-noun pair Original: to fulfil their family's expenditures Suggested revision: to meet their family's expenses Why it matters: Meet expenses is the correct collocation.
- 10. Preposition Original: in taking care of their children Suggested revision: to take care of their children Why it matters: Rely on someone to do something is the natural structure.
- 11. Natural collocation Original: rapid development of the medical world Suggested revision: rapid development of medicine Why it matters: Medical world is imprecise.
- 12. Wrong subject Original: the human being has positively improved Suggested revision: human life expectancy has improved Why it matters: Life expectancy, not the human being, improves.
Suggested Rewrites
- how human life is in the modern days how people live in the modern world
- A group of people believe Some people believe
- humans are more dependent on their kind people depend more on one another
- The following essay will discuss This essay will discuss
- mankind has become people have become
- Due to the globalisation Due to globalisation
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay discusses both views and gives an opinion, but the dependent side is developed with only one example and the conclusion repeats rather than deepens the argument.
Give two balanced reasons for each side, then explain clearly why independence is stronger overall.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response has a logical sequence, but it is written as a single paragraph and relies on basic transition phrases. This limits readability and progression.
Divide the response into separate paragraphs for introduction, dependence, independence, and conclusion.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is adequate, with some topic words such as globalisation, life expectancy, and household devices. However, several word choices are inaccurate or unnatural.
Replace broad terms like mankind and human life with more precise references such as people, families, or older adults.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Frequent agreement and word-form errors occur, especially in complex sentences. Meaning remains mostly clear, but accuracy is below the level of the ideas.
Check each complex sentence for a clear subject, correct verb agreement, and accurate pronoun reference.