All countries throughout the world are facing health issues related to modern lifestyles. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?
Sample Response
Nowadays, the numbers of people who face health problems have increased rapidly due to modern lifestyles. There are various reasons which have caused the situation, and the following essay will discuss the issue and how to address it.
For a number of reasons, many people are facing serious health issues due to the modern lifestyle. Firstly, due to the globalisation, people have a longer working hour these days and consequently, they do not have or have a limited amount time for doing exercises. As a result, many employees are facing health problems such as high blood pressure and diabetic. Secondly, due to the high volume of work, many people are consuming instant food nowadays. Many scientists have proven that these instant foods are considered as unhealthy, as it could trigger some serious threat to the human's body, such as tumour or cancer.
There are things that people could do to avoid these unhealthy lifestyles. One of the things that people could do in their workplace is by doing some light exercises at the office. For instance, they could take the stairs instead of riding the elevator. And then, they could change their diet pattern, by bringing healthy foods from home, instead of dining at a fast food restaurant. And last but not least, people could consider in changing their mode of transportations. Instead of using their motor vehicle to work, they could ride a bicycle. Riding a bike is not just a simple and healthy exercise, but it also reduces the air pollution as well.
In conclusion, it is a fact that many people have problems with their health condition due to the modern world. It is mostly due to longer working hours and unhealthy diet patterns. However, these problems could be solved if people change their lifestyles, such as by stop consuming junk foods and bring healthy foods from their home or doing some light exercises at the office. Once they change their lifestyles, I am sure that their health condition would improve.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use singular measure Original: the numbers of people Suggested revision: the number of people Why it matters: When referring to one total, use “the number.”
- 2. Use concise reference Original: which have caused the situation Suggested revision: behind this situation Why it matters: This avoids a vague relative clause.
- 3. Remove article Original: due to the globalisation Suggested revision: due to globalisation Why it matters: The abstract noun is used generally.
- 4. Use plural phrase Original: a longer working hour Suggested revision: longer working hours Why it matters: The phrase refers to work schedules generally.
- 5. Add preposition Original: a limited amount time Suggested revision: a limited amount of time Why it matters: The noun phrase is missing “of.”
- 6. Use natural phrase Original: doing exercises Suggested revision: doing exercise Why it matters: “Exercise” is usually uncountable for general physical activity.
- 7. Use disease noun Original: diabetic Suggested revision: diabetes Why it matters: “Diabetic” describes a person; the disease is “diabetes.”
- 8. Use common term Original: instant food Suggested revision: fast food Why it matters: The essay later says fast food, which is more natural for the argument.
- 9. Use singular category Original: these instant foods Suggested revision: this fast food Why it matters: The category is better treated as uncountable.
- 10. Fix agreement Original: as it could trigger Suggested revision: as they could trigger Why it matters: The pronoun should agree with plural “foods,” or the noun phrase should be recast.
- 11. Use natural phrase Original: serious threat to the human's body Suggested revision: serious threats to the human body Why it matters: The collocation and possessive form are unnatural.
- 12. Use clearer topic sentence Original: There are things Suggested revision: Several measures can help people avoid Why it matters: The paragraph needs a stronger solution topic sentence.
Suggested Rewrites
- the numbers of people the number of people
- which have caused the situation behind this situation
- due to the globalisation due to globalisation
- a longer working hour longer working hours
- a limited amount time a limited amount of time
- doing exercises doing exercise
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay answers both parts clearly, identifying long working hours and unhealthy food as causes and suggesting exercise, healthier meals, and cycling. The ideas are relevant and sufficiently developed, though some claims could be more carefully qualified.
Explain the mechanism behind each cause and avoid overgeneralising about serious diseases unless the link is clearly supported.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response has clear paragraphing and a logical causes-then-solutions structure. Cohesive devices are effective, although several solution sentences begin similarly and could be linked more smoothly.
Use varied linking between solution steps, such as "Another practical measure" and "At the same time".
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is suitable for the topic, including modern lifestyles, working hours, instant food, diet pattern, and air pollution. Some word forms and collocations are inaccurate.
Use accurate health collocations such as "diabetes", "limited time", "change their diet", and "stop consuming junk food".
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
There is a good range of simple and complex sentences, and meaning is clear. Errors with articles, plurals, prepositions, and gerunds appear regularly.
Check noun forms for health conditions and use gerunds after prepositions, especially after "by".