In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?
Sample Response
Throughout history, humans faced a wide range of illnesses. Some of the ailments rely on region and country but some parts of illnesses depend on culture. Yet there are some health issues which are global, for example, obesity which is one of the mankind’s malicious problems, regardless of the race and region. In addition, during recent years, overweight and obesity increased so much that people and government should consider this issue very seriously. 21st century and technology advancement of it brought us computers, televisions, mobile phones, cars, lifts etc. Those gadgets, tools and devices prevent people from moving and compelling them to sit. So it is clear that one origin of obesity is overusing of computers, cars and televisions. Moreover, people don’t join sports clubs and don’t care with regard to doing regular exercise and this leads to unhealthy human generation. Furthermore, the fast food industry has the biggest impact on our health. Unhealthy foods with high fat, low nutrition, less use of vegetables, conservative items in foods are just some part of dark sides of this industry and obviously, this industry is the greatest factor in this obesity and health problem matters. Handling this problem requires the support of government and they should be worried regarding the health issues of people. In some European countries, government obliged people to do exercise at least 5 hours per week. In addition, America legislates a rule that in line with it each person must eat at least 7 house maid meals per week. People need to be aware of their health. A healthy lifestyle, balance diet, exercise, outdoor activities can reduce this problem to a great extent. To sum up, it can be argued that there are industries which invite us to taste their cheap, delicious and also unhealthy food. However, governments restricted those industries but people should care about their health personally and teach their children with regard to this matter.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Present perfect Original: humans faced Suggested revision: humans have faced Why it matters: Throughout history normally takes the present perfect.
- 2. Wrong collocation Original: mankind’s malicious problems Suggested revision: mankind's serious problems Why it matters: Malicious describes harmful intent, not a health problem.
- 3. Tense and noun Original: obesity increased so much Suggested revision: obesity has increased significantly Why it matters: Use present perfect and a more formal adverb.
- 4. Unclear subject Original: 21st century and technology advancement of it brought us Suggested revision: The technological advances of the 21st century have brought us Why it matters: The original subject phrase is ungrammatical.
- 5. Parallel form Original: prevent people from moving and compelling them to sit Suggested revision: prevent people from moving and compel them to sit Why it matters: The two verbs should be parallel.
- 6. Word form Original: overusing of computers Suggested revision: overuse of computers Why it matters: Overuse is the correct noun form.
- 7. Unnatural structure Original: don’t care with regard to doing regular exercise Suggested revision: do not care about doing regular exercise Why it matters: Care about is the natural verb pattern.
- 8. Wrong word Original: conservative items in foods Suggested revision: preservatives in food Why it matters: Preservatives is the intended food-related term.
- 9. Unnatural phrase Original: some part of dark sides Suggested revision: some of the negative aspects Why it matters: Dark sides is informal and awkward here.
- 10. Plural noun Original: government obliged people Suggested revision: governments have obliged people Why it matters: The general claim needs plural governments and a suitable tense.
- 11. Wrong phrase Original: 7 house maid meals Suggested revision: seven home-made meals Why it matters: The intended phrase is home-made meals.
- 12. Adjective form Original: balance diet Suggested revision: balanced diet Why it matters: Balanced is the adjective form before diet.
Suggested Rewrites
- humans faced humans have faced
- mankind’s malicious problems mankind's serious problems
- obesity increased so much obesity has increased significantly
- 21st century and technology advancement of it brought us The technological advances of the 21st century have brought us
- prevent people from moving and compelling them to sit prevent people from moving and compel them to sit
- overusing of computers overuse of computers
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay identifies relevant causes of rising weight and declining fitness, including technology, lack of exercise, and fast food, and suggests government action and healthier lifestyles. Development is uneven, and some claims about laws in Europe and America are unsupported or implausible.
Organise the answer around two clear causes and two practical measures, and support them with realistic examples rather than questionable legislation claims.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response is a single long paragraph, so the cause-solution structure is difficult to follow. Ideas are mostly related, but transitions are repetitive and there is little controlled progression.
Use separate paragraphs for introduction, causes, solutions, and conclusion, with clear signposts such as The first cause and One effective solution.
Lexical Resource
There is topic vocabulary such as obesity, fast food industry, regular exercise, healthy lifestyle, and balanced diet. However, word choice is often inaccurate or unnatural, including mankind's malicious problems, conservative items in foods, and house maid meals.
Use precise health vocabulary: sedentary lifestyle, processed food, preservatives, balanced diet, public health campaigns, and physical activity.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Meaning is generally understandable, but frequent errors in verb forms, articles, plural nouns, prepositions, and sentence boundaries reduce accuracy. Some sentences are overloaded and hard to control.
Write shorter sentences and check subject-verb agreement and article use before adding examples.