In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?
Sample Response
Over the last ten years, there are increasing numbers of overweight people around the world and at the same time, unfortunately, people do less exercise and have more health problems. Indeed, it is not a surprise that the number of fast food restaurants has increased and people have started to be busy and some of them lazy. This essay will discuss two reasons why this has occurred and examine the consequences of this worrying trend. The main cause of the problem of obesity is the prolific increase in the number of fast food restaurants. For example, MacDonald’s, Hungry Jack’s, Pizza Hut. The advertisement of these restaurants focused on children to attract their attention, thus, increasing the number of customers amongst children. However, not only this, hard working people do not have time to prepare a healthy food at home, instead, they buy processed food such as sausages and meatballs in the closest stores. Also, in the rapidly developing society, there is a need to work harder and spend more hours at the workplace. The measures of this problem have been and will continue to be taken. Firstly, in the TV famous people need to talk more about obesity as a major problem around the world that leads to serious health consequences such as diabetes. Secondly, it is important to promote a healthy lifestyle and life-work balance, which already have been done and will continue to be done. Not only this, great development was introduced to the market, which helps to measure how many steps did a person do during the day. If people start to use it, this will encourage them to do more necessary exercise during the day. To sum up, it is evident that there are several causes of obesity and a variety of negative effects. Society must ensure steps are taken to prevent this problem from deteriorating further.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Natural tense Original: there are increasing numbers Suggested revision: there has been an increasing number Why it matters: This fits the time phrase over the last ten years more naturally.
- 2. Brand spelling Original: MacDonald’s Suggested revision: McDonald’s Why it matters: The fast-food brand is conventionally spelled McDonald’s.
- 3. Uncountable noun Original: prepare a healthy food Suggested revision: prepare healthy food Why it matters: Food is usually uncountable when used generally, so no article is needed.
- 4. Wrong preposition Original: in the TV Suggested revision: on TV Why it matters: The correct phrase for television broadcasts is on TV.
- 5. Embedded question Original: how many steps did a person do Suggested revision: how many steps a person took Why it matters: Embedded questions use statement word order, and people take steps rather than do steps.
- 6. Cleaner link Original: at the same time, unfortunately, Suggested revision: at the same time, Why it matters: Unfortunately interrupts the sentence and can be moved later if needed.
- 7. Unnatural phrase Original: people have started to be busy Suggested revision: people have become busier Why it matters: This is a more natural way to express the cause.
- 8. Missing verb Original: some of them lazy Suggested revision: some of them have become less active Why it matters: The phrase needs a verb and a clearer adjective.
- 9. Plural noun Original: The advertisement of these restaurants Suggested revision: The advertisements for these restaurants Why it matters: Use advertisements for and plural form because many adverts are meant.
- 10. Tense and target Original: focused on children Suggested revision: focus on children Why it matters: The sentence describes a general advertising practice, so present simple is better.
- 11. Awkward transition Original: However, not only this Suggested revision: In addition Why it matters: The transition is unnatural and interrupts the explanation.
- 12. Natural phrase Original: closest stores Suggested revision: nearby stores Why it matters: Nearby stores is a more natural phrase in this context.
Suggested Rewrites
- there are increasing numbers there has been an increasing number
- MacDonald’s McDonald’s
- prepare a healthy food prepare healthy food
- in the TV on TV
- how many steps did a person do how many steps a person took
- at the same time, unfortunately, at the same time,
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response identifies relevant causes, including fast food, lack of time, processed food, and long working hours, and suggests awareness campaigns, lifestyle promotion, and activity tracking. However, it says it will examine consequences, and some solutions are general rather than fully developed.
Frame the essay directly around causes and measures, then explain how each measure would reduce weight gain or improve fitness.
Coherence and Cohesion
The ideas are in a logical rough order, but the whole essay is written as one paragraph. This makes the progression harder to follow and weakens the separation between causes, measures, and conclusion.
Use at least four paragraphs: introduction, causes, measures, and conclusion.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is relevant to health, obesity, fast food, processed food, exercise, and lifestyle. Some phrases are imprecise or awkward, such as in the TV and life-work balance, and examples need smoother integration.
Use accurate collocations such as on television, work-life balance, public health campaigns, sedentary lifestyle, and physical activity.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The essay contains several complex ideas but has frequent errors in articles, tense, word order, and question formation. Meaning is generally understandable, though accuracy drops in longer sentences.
Edit for article use with singular nouns and for embedded question order, such as how many steps a person took.