Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Band 6.0 IELTS Writing Task 2 Essay Correction
Student Essay
In my opinion, competition is a fundamental part of society and is essential for personal growth. However, many people argue that cooperation should be prioritized over competition.
On one hand, facing challenges at work and in daily life is essential for career development, as it allows people to unlock their true potential. For example, many children today do not participate in diverse activities, which is a significant factor in rising depression rates. Encountering hurdles or competing with peers encourages individuals to push their limits and achieve their goals.
On the other hand, while competition is important, cooperation is equally crucial. Often, people encounter problems that are impossible to solve alone, and they require assistance. In school projects, for instance, students must work together toward a common goal. This demonstrates that helping others is just as important as competing.
In conclusion, challenges and struggles make people stronger, which is why healthy competition is essential. Nevertheless, at various points in life, individuals must choose to support one another rather than compete. Balance is key.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Irrelevant example For example, in sports and academics, competing with peers encourages students to push their limits and achieve higher standards.
- 2. Improve word choice engaging in healthy competition at work and in daily life is essential for professional advancement
- 3. Develop the point further Encountering hurdles or competing with peers encourages individuals to push their limits, refine their skills, and ultimately achieve their professional and personal goals.
- 4. Expand paragraph development On one hand, competition is a powerful driver of progress in both academic and professional settings. When individuals compete, they are motivated to perform at their best, which fosters innovation and efficiency. For instance, in the corporate world, sales competitions often lead to higher productivity and better customer service, showing how rivalry can bring out the best in employees.
- 5. Word Count Penalty Aim to write at least 260-280 words to ensure you fully develop your ideas and avoid the under-length penalty.
- 6. Relevance of Examples Ensure every example directly supports the main point of the paragraph. Avoid introducing tangential topics like mental health unless they are directly tied to the effects of competition or cooperation.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response addresses both sides of the prompt and presents a clear position in the conclusion. However, the essay is significantly under-length (around 178 words, well below the 250-word minimum), which severely limits the development of the arguments.
Extend your body paragraphs by providing more relevant, fully developed examples and explanations. Ensure your essay meets the 250-word minimum to avoid a penalty.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear overall structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Paragraphing is logical, and basic cohesive devices are used effectively.
Use a wider variety of cohesive devices and transition words to link ideas within paragraphs more smoothly.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary is generally appropriate and clear, with some good collocations. However, the range is somewhat limited due to the brevity of the essay.
Incorporate more topic-specific vocabulary related to competition, collaboration, workplace dynamics, and academic environments.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The grammatical control is good, with very few errors. However, because the text is short, there is a limited range of complex structures demonstrated.
Introduce a wider variety of complex sentence structures, such as conditional sentences and passive voice, to demonstrate grammatical range.