Some people believe the aim of university education is to help graduates get better jobs. Others believe there are much wider benefits of university education for both individuals and society. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Sample Response
A group of people think that the main purpose of university studies is to help their students in getting a better career. Others disagree with the opinion, as they believe that undergraduate studies give more benefits for their graduates besides better jobs. The following essay will discuss the both views in details. On the one hand, many people believe that the main goal of college studies to get a better job. This thought has been generally accepted by the public, as many companies are only hiring people who have obtained certain degrees. For example, it is common that multinational oil companies such as Shell, Chevron or Caltex will only recruit new staffs who have obtained their bachelor degree, while those who have no degrees will only be hired as general labours in small factories. As a consequence, many university students only focus on their academic studies and do not participate in any extracurricular activities, as they believe that those programs are not important. On the other hand, another group of people think that university studies give wider benefits to their students besides the career purpose. Firstly, university studies give the students a chance to enhance their talents in other fields, beside their academy studies. For instances, it is common that universities are arranging sports activities such as basketball or football. Many students have experienced the advantage of this program, which has helped them in becoming professional athletes such as Michael Jordan or Grant Hill. Secondly, universities also provide social clubs such as a speech or a leadership club which are useful for the students. Students who join these clubs will experience a lot of benefits as they learn how to interact with other people, deliver attractive presentations and how to lead an organisation. Therefore many campuses are organising and arranging these extracurricular activities and persuading their students to get involve with one of the clubs. In my opinion, although it is undeniable that the main aim of studying in university is to get a better career, I do believe that other activities that provided by the campus are also beneficial for the students. And I think that students should have a proportionate time between academic study, extracurricular activities and social life.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Verb pattern Original: help their students in getting Suggested revision: help their students get Why it matters: Help is followed by the base verb in this structure.
- 2. Article needed Original: better career Suggested revision: a better career Why it matters: Career is a singular countable noun here.
- 3. Verb pattern Original: give more benefits for their graduates Suggested revision: provide more benefits for their graduates Why it matters: Provide benefits is the natural collocation.
- 4. Article error Original: the both views Suggested revision: both views Why it matters: Both does not need the here.
- 5. Fixed phrase Original: in details Suggested revision: in detail Why it matters: The standard phrase is in detail.
- 6. Missing verb Original: the main goal of college studies to get Suggested revision: the main goal of college studies is to get Why it matters: The clause needs the verb is.
- 7. Uncountable noun Original: new staffs Suggested revision: new staff Why it matters: Staff is usually uncountable when referring to employees collectively.
- 8. Wrong noun Original: general labours Suggested revision: general labourers Why it matters: Labourers refers to people; labour refers to work.
- 9. Word form Original: beside their academy studies Suggested revision: besides their academic studies Why it matters: Besides and academic are the correct forms.
- 10. Fixed phrase Original: For instances Suggested revision: For instance Why it matters: The phrase is singular and fixed.
- 11. Verb form Original: get involve Suggested revision: get involved Why it matters: Use the past participle after get in this phrase.
- 12. Missing verb Original: activities that provided by the campus Suggested revision: activities that are provided by the campus Why it matters: The passive relative clause needs are.
Suggested Rewrites
- help their students in getting help their students get
- better career a better career
- give more benefits for their graduates provide more benefits for their graduates
- the both views both views
- in details in detail
- the main goal of college studies to get the main goal of college studies is to get
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay discusses employment benefits and wider personal benefits, with a clear opinion, but the benefits for society are only implied and not fully developed.
Add explicit social benefits such as civic participation, innovation, or community leadership to fully answer both individuals and society.
Coherence and Cohesion
The answer progresses logically through both views, but all ideas are compressed into one long paragraph, which reduces clarity.
Separate the essay into introduction, job-focused view, wider-benefits view, and conclusion.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is adequate for education and employment, but there are several inaccurate word choices and collocations.
Use natural academic phrases such as gain a better career, bachelor's degree, manual labour, and get involved in clubs.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Grammar is generally understandable but contains frequent errors with articles, plurals, verb patterns, and relative clauses.
Edit noun phrases for countability and use that are provided or provided by instead of that provided.