Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?
Sample Response
Many people will be hard pressed to name one invention that has made a greater impact on young people's lives than video games. At this day and age, almost all children grow up being exposed to video games, and consequently spent a large amount of time playing them. Thus it is important to ask whether video games have any detrimental effect on children and our society as a whole. Firstly, video games provide a lot of happiness to a great portion of the population. Because there exists a great variety of games of different genres for kids and even adults of every age, most people will surely be able to find a game that interests them. As a result, they will derive pleasure from playing their game of choice and lead happier lives. Even more, playing video games can at times also be a social activity, where gamers meet up with their friends to play their favourite video game together. However, this at first innocent pleasure can quickly turn into an addiction. Seeing that many people suffer from depression and are dissatisfied with their life, it is easy to see how these people can become engrossed in video games. Often they provide the player with a fake sense of achievement, making them forget about their responsibilities in the so-called "real life". The game "Word of Warcraft" is especially known for this, exploiting vulnerabilities in people in order to make a quick buck. Unfortunately, the disadvantages do not stop there: A great number of video games rely on violence in their storytelling, which desensitises the gamer towards violent acts such as physical force or even murder. While many people argue that adults are able to differentiate between the fantasy in video games and reality, nobody denies that children lack this ability. Although many countries have implemented policies to prevent young people from playing violent video games, these measures are very often not effective enough, and young children end up consuming and playing violent games. In conclusion, video games certainly do have positive effects. However, it is my opinion that the drawbacks outweigh the advantages by far. This is why we as a society need to control the influence of video games, particularly when children are concerned. We often forget that a young mind is very susceptible to its environment, and that is why we should do our utmost to protect it.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fixed expression Original: At this day and age Suggested revision: In this day and age Why it matters: The correct expression is in this day and age.
- 2. Verb tense Original: consequently spent Suggested revision: consequently spend Why it matters: Use present simple for a general statement about children.
- 3. Natural phrase Original: a great portion Suggested revision: a large proportion Why it matters: Large proportion is the more natural academic collocation.
- 4. More natural structure Original: Because there exists a great variety Suggested revision: Because there is a great variety Why it matters: There is is simpler and more natural here.
- 5. Transition choice Original: Even more Suggested revision: Moreover Why it matters: Moreover is a more natural formal linker.
- 6. Word order Original: at times also be a social activity Suggested revision: also be a social activity at times Why it matters: The revised word order is smoother.
- 7. Hyphenate phrase Original: However, this at first innocent pleasure Suggested revision: However, this initially innocent pleasure Why it matters: Initially is more concise and formal.
- 8. Add danger Original: engrossed in video games Suggested revision: addicted to video games Why it matters: Addicted is more direct for the argument being made.
- 9. Academic tone Original: so-called "real life" Suggested revision: real-life responsibilities Why it matters: This avoids a conversational expression.
- 10. Name accuracy Original: Word of Warcraft Suggested revision: World of Warcraft Why it matters: The game title is World of Warcraft.
- 11. Informal phrase Original: make a quick buck Suggested revision: make a quick profit Why it matters: This is more suitable for academic writing.
- 12. Parallel nouns Original: differentiate between the fantasy in video games and reality Suggested revision: differentiate between fantasy in video games and reality Why it matters: The article is not needed before fantasy as a general concept.
Suggested Rewrites
- At this day and age In this day and age
- consequently spent consequently spend
- a great portion a large proportion
- Because there exists a great variety Because there is a great variety
- Even more Moreover
- at times also be a social activity also be a social activity at times
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response answers the question clearly and gives a developed view that drawbacks outweigh benefits. Benefits and harms are both discussed, with relevant points about enjoyment, social activity, addiction, violence, and children.
Add a brief weighing sentence after the benefits to explain why they are less serious than the risks, instead of leaving the weighing mostly to the conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The logical flow is generally clear, but the response is written as one long paragraph. This seriously weakens readability and makes the contrast between benefits and drawbacks less controlled.
Divide the essay into an introduction, one benefits paragraph, one drawbacks paragraph, and a conclusion.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and often precise, including detrimental effect, fake sense of achievement, desensitises, and susceptible. Some word choices and spelling errors remain, such as spent for spend and Word of Warcraft.
Keep the strong topic vocabulary, but proofread word forms and use accurate names and collocations.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The essay uses a good range of structures and meaning is clear. There are some errors with tense, articles, and sentence boundaries, especially in very long sentences.
Break long sentences at contrast points and check verb tense in general statements.