Most of the high-level positions in government and private organisations are owned by men and very few women are in the high-level jobs. Should government reserve a certain portion of high-level jobs for women? What is your opinion on that issue?
Sample Response
Highest-level executive jobs are commonly for men and not for women since the dawn of time. However, nowadays women can do what their counterparts do, so I certainly believe that the state should influence females and reserve these high-level jobs for them. This argument will be proven by looking at the women's educational attainment and confidence.
For one, the administration should make an advance level job reservation for modern women of today because they are highly educated, so they can do high-level works as men do. For instance, women in the Philippines value education so much, that is why they strive hard to finish their bachelor's degree and even pursue their Masters and PhD (Doctors of Philosophy) and sometimes they are more intelligent than Filipino men. In fact, according to Philippine newspaper inquirer report on the 10th of March this year, more and more women are the company CEO's (Chief Executive officers). So the Philippine government must encourage more Filipinas to do these executive works. In addition to this, most women are of more confidence than men. For example, according to the University of the Philippines study, it shows that females in the country can express their selves more than our men, whether it is verbally or in written form. Thus, they can lead better their subordinates and can make a large profit in the institution they are working with. Actually, the state has the knowledge about this research and so they give more incentives to women who will apply for a higher position in the government sector.
In conclusion, Filipinas are more academically knowledgeable and confident that is why we can see them most in the higher position in a company they are working with. So these prove that the Philippine state needs more high-level job reservations and encourage them. So I highly recommend that all of my co-women should avail this government's encouragement.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Natural phrase Original: Highest-level executive jobs Suggested revision: The highest-level executive jobs Why it matters: The sentence needs the article and a more natural opening.
- 2. Precise meaning Original: are commonly for men Suggested revision: are commonly held by men Why it matters: Jobs are held by people, not for people in this context.
- 3. Avoid exaggeration Original: since the dawn of time Suggested revision: for a long time Why it matters: The original phrase is too sweeping for an academic essay.
- 4. Wrong verb Original: the state should influence females Suggested revision: the state should encourage women Why it matters: Encourage is the intended meaning; influence is too vague.
- 5. Policy wording Original: make an advance level job reservation Suggested revision: reserve some senior-level jobs Why it matters: This is clearer and more natural.
- 6. Redundant phrase Original: modern women of today Suggested revision: modern women Why it matters: Modern and of today repeat the same idea.
- 7. Countable noun Original: high-level works Suggested revision: high-level work Why it matters: Work is uncountable when referring to tasks generally.
- 8. Degree names Original: Masters and PhD Suggested revision: master's degrees and PhDs Why it matters: Use the correct degree forms and pluralisation.
- 9. Plural acronym Original: CEO's Suggested revision: CEOs Why it matters: Do not use an apostrophe for a simple plural.
- 10. Adjective structure Original: most women are of more confidence than men Suggested revision: many women are more confident than men Why it matters: Use the adjective confident after are.
- 11. Reflexive pronoun Original: express their selves Suggested revision: express themselves Why it matters: The correct reflexive pronoun is themselves.
- 12. Adverb position Original: they can lead better their subordinates Suggested revision: they can lead their subordinates better Why it matters: Better should come after the object in this structure.
Suggested Rewrites
- Highest-level executive jobs The highest-level executive jobs
- are commonly for men are commonly held by men
- since the dawn of time for a long time
- the state should influence females the state should encourage women
- make an advance level job reservation reserve some senior-level jobs
- modern women of today modern women
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay gives a clear opinion in favour of reserving high-level jobs for women and supports it with education and confidence. However, the argument is narrow, very country-specific, and does not consider fairness, merit, or implementation issues.
Add one paragraph explaining why reservation is fair or necessary despite concerns about merit-based hiring.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion, and ideas are generally connected. However, the body paragraph is overloaded with examples and the conclusion repeats the same point rather than weighing the policy.
Use separate body paragraphs for education and leadership ability, then add a sentence addressing a possible counterargument.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is relevant to leadership, government, education, and confidence, but several choices are inaccurate or unnatural, such as owned by men, influence females, and advance level job reservation.
Use precise policy language: held by men, encourage women, reserve senior positions, leadership roles, and gender equality.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The meaning is mostly clear, but sentence structure, articles, plural forms, and pronoun choices are frequently inaccurate. Errors are noticeable but usually do not block communication.
Check noun phrases and pronouns carefully, especially women, high-level jobs, government, and their counterparts.