The line graph below gives information about men and women smokers in Bhutan from 1960 to 2000. Men & Women Smokers in Bhutan (per 1000)
Sample Response
The line graph compares the male and female smokers in Bhutan between 1960 and 2000. Overall, the smoking rates among men and women clearly declined over the time and the ratio of male smokers decreased while the opposite was true in the case of female smokers. In 1960, six hundred men out of 1000 were smokers. This number dropped gradually to 500 by 1980 and continued to fell till 1980. Afterwards, this trend accelerated and the ratio of Bhutanese male smokers plunged to just over 20%. On the contrary, the ratio of female smokers in 1960 was quite low. But in five years, the female smokers’ percentage climbed to around 15 and increased steeply to over 30%. Afterwards, the female smokers’ percentage is Bhutan dropped gradually till 2000 when around 2 out of ten females smoked. Initially, in 1960, the gap between the men and women smokers was huge but over the time this gap reduced and almost a similar percentage of females and males in Bhutan smoked.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Overview accuracy Original: smoking rates among men and women clearly declined Suggested revision: male smoking declined, while female smoking first rose and then fell Why it matters: Women did not decline over the whole period; they peaked around 1975.
- 2. Wrong measure Original: the ratio of male smokers Suggested revision: the figure for male smokers Why it matters: The graph shows smokers per 1000, not a ratio.
- 3. Too broad Original: the opposite was true in the case of female smokers Suggested revision: female smoking rose until 1975 before declining Why it matters: This captures the actual pattern shown by the line graph.
- 4. Verb form Original: continued to fell Suggested revision: continued to fall Why it matters: After to, use the base verb.
- 5. Date logic Original: till 1980 Suggested revision: after 1980 Why it matters: The sentence already says the figure was 500 by 1980; the later decline continued after that point.
- 6. Wrong unit Original: just over 20% Suggested revision: just over 200 per 1000 Why it matters: The chart is not measured in percentages.
- 7. Better contrast Original: On the contrary Suggested revision: By contrast Why it matters: This is the more natural linker for comparing two data series.
- 8. Wrong measure Original: female smokers’ percentage Suggested revision: the figure for female smokers Why it matters: The line graph reports smokers per 1000 people.
- 9. Wrong preposition Original: is Bhutan Suggested revision: in Bhutan Why it matters: The sentence needs in, not is.
- 10. Consistent number style Original: 2 out of ten females Suggested revision: two out of ten females Why it matters: Use a consistent written form in formal writing.
- 11. Avoid repetition Original: Initially, in 1960 Suggested revision: At the start of the period Why it matters: This creates smoother cohesion and avoids repeating the year.
- 12. Natural phrasing Original: over the time this gap reduced Suggested revision: over time this gap narrowed Why it matters: Narrowed is the natural verb for a gap becoming smaller.
Suggested Rewrites
- smoking rates among men and women clearly declined male smoking declined, while female smoking first rose and then fell
- the ratio of male smokers the figure for male smokers
- the opposite was true in the case of female smokers female smoking rose until 1975 before declining
- continued to fell continued to fall
- till 1980 after 1980
- just over 20% just over 200 per 1000
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
The response covers both male and female trends and notes the narrowing gap, but the overview is partly inaccurate because women's smoking rose to a peak before falling rather than simply showing the opposite of men's trend. Several figures are reported as percentages instead of rates per 1000.
Describe the units consistently as smokers per 1000 people and state the key contrast: men declined steadily while women rose until 1975 and then declined.
Coherence and Cohesion
The report is organised as one paragraph with a basic overall statement followed by details. The sequence is generally chronological, but some references are confusing or repetitive.
Use separate paragraphs for the overview, male trend, female trend, and final comparison of the gap.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is adequate for trends, with words such as declined, climbed, and plunged. However, ratio and percentage are repeatedly used inaccurately for the chart's per-1000 measure.
Replace ratio and percentage with number, rate, or figure, and use precise trend verbs for gradual and steep changes.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Meaning is mostly understandable, but errors in verb forms, prepositions, articles, and sentence control occur regularly.
Check past-tense forms after continued to, and avoid switching between past and present when describing historical data.