In some cultures, children are often told they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?
Sample Response
In many cultures, children are frequently given the message that they can accomplish anything if they work hard enough. While this message has some advantages, it also has certain disadvantages that must be taken into consideration. This essay will outline both the advantages and demerits of this practice.
One benefit of this is that it can instil a sense of self-confidence and motivation in children. When youngsters are encouraged to believe that they can achieve anything with effort and determination, they are more likely to persevere through difficult tasks and setbacks. This can help them develop important skills such as resilience, self-efficacy, and a growth mindset. For instance, children who are told that they can achieve anything they set their mind to may be more willing to take on new challenges, even if they are initially daunting. If a child wants to learn a new skill or participate in an activity that they are not yet proficient in, they may be more likely to try if they have the belief that they can eventually succeed with hard work and perseverance.
However, there are also some potential drawbacks to this message. For one, it may set unrealistic expectations for children, particularly if they are not given the necessary resources or opportunities to succeed. Additionally, if children are constantly told that they can achieve anything through hard work alone, it may lead them to overlook the role that other factors such as education, luck, privilege, and societal structures play in success. This could ultimately result in feelings of frustration, self-blame, and demotivation if they do not achieve the outcomes they desire.
In conclusion, while the message that children can achieve anything through hard work has its advantages in terms of building confidence and motivation, it is important to consider the potential drawbacks as well. It is hoped that parents and teachers would motivate young children to work hard but also take into consideration other factors that are important for success.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix plural agreement Original: set their mind to Suggested revision: set their minds to Why it matters: The plural subject ‘children’ requires the plural possessive expression ‘their minds’.
- 2. Use concise reporting phrase Original: frequently given the message Suggested revision: often told Why it matters: The shorter phrase conveys the same idea more directly.
- 3. Use concise passive Original: must be taken into consideration Suggested revision: should be considered Why it matters: The replacement is more concise without changing the caution expressed.
- 4. Keep terminology consistent Original: demerits Suggested revision: disadvantages Why it matters: Repeating the task's neutral term avoids an unnecessary synonym shift.
- 5. Clarify reference Original: One benefit of this Suggested revision: One benefit of this message Why it matters: Naming the message removes the vague reference of ‘this’.
- 6. Remove redundant phrase Original: instil a sense of self-confidence Suggested revision: instil self-confidence Why it matters: Self-confidence itself is the quality being developed, so ‘a sense of’ is unnecessary.
- 7. Use consistent participant term Original: youngsters Suggested revision: children Why it matters: Using one term throughout keeps the academic register consistent.
- 8. Use precise goal phrase Original: anything with effort and determination Suggested revision: their goals through effort and determination Why it matters: ‘Their goals’ expresses the intended achievement more precisely than the absolute ‘anything’.
- 9. Use accurate category noun Original: skills such as resilience Suggested revision: qualities such as resilience Why it matters: Resilience, self-efficacy and a growth mindset are better grouped as qualities than as discrete skills.
- 10. Refine proficiency pattern Original: participate in an activity that they are not yet proficient in Suggested revision: take part in an activity at which they are not yet proficient Why it matters: ‘Proficient at’ is the conventional preposition for an activity.
- 11. Remove duplicated preview Suggested revision: Keep the opening context, then use one concise sentence to introduce the two sides instead of previewing them twice. Why it matters: The second and third sentences perform nearly the same organisational function.
- 12. Sequence the drawbacks Suggested revision: Present unrealistic expectations first, external factors second, and the emotional consequences last as the result of both concerns. Why it matters: This sequence would make the relationship among the paragraph's three ideas more explicit.
Suggested Rewrites
- set their mind to set their minds to
- frequently given the message often told
- must be taken into consideration should be considered
- demerits disadvantages
- One benefit of this One benefit of this message
- instil a sense of self-confidence instil self-confidence
Why this response received Band 8.0
The essay fully addresses both sides with a clear progression from confidence and perseverance to unrealistic expectations and overlooked external factors. Its ideas are well supported and expressed with strong vocabulary, although the advantage paragraph repeats the same effort-and-challenge point and a few minor wording and agreement issues remain. Tighten repeated explanation and refine the small number of awkward forms while preserving the balanced analysis.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
Both advantages and disadvantages are directly addressed through relevant, well-developed explanations and a clear practical conclusion.
Make the advantage section more concise by combining the overlapping challenge and new-skill examples into one sharply developed illustration.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is logically sequenced with clear paragraph purposes and cohesive links that rarely draw attention to themselves.
Reduce repetition within the advantage paragraph so each sentence advances the explanation rather than restating persistence and effort.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is broad, precise, and appropriately academic, with effective terms such as ‘self-efficacy’, ‘societal structures’, and ‘self-blame’.
Prefer ‘disadvantages’ to the less natural ‘demerits’ here and use ‘set their minds to’ for plural agreement.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is used accurately, with only occasional minor agreement or complementation slips.
Polish local forms such as ‘set their minds to’ and ‘it is hoped that parents and teachers will motivate’ for complete control.
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