You recently attended a conference and you would like to give a presentation in your office about the information you gained by attending the conference. Write a letter to your manager asking for permission to give a presentation. In your letter: - describe what type of presentation you have in mind - what topics it would cover and how long it would take - who should participate in the presentation and where should it be conducted
Sample Response
Dear Mr Walee, I have recently attended a conference in Dubai and I believe I have accumulated some valuable information in call forwarding technology, roaming and data transfer in the telecom industry. I am wondering if you would permit me to give a presentation to our team in order to present them with some insights into what the recent telecom world looks like. My plan for the presentation session is to cover two important topics which were reported at the conference I attended. I am thinking to get the guys gathered in the meeting room on Monday morning, at 9:00 am. With your permission, I will do it in two separate sessions to present topics - "Modern challenges facing mobile telecom in international call forwarding, roaming and data clusterisation" and "New emerging services". I think the presentation will last for two hours, an hour for each module. I have attached the materials which will be narrated in the session. Your approval is kindly requested for the content of the presentation and for the member of the team to attend it. My suggestion is to involve the whole team as it is extremely important related to our work environment and job performance. I am looking forward to hearing from you soon regarding this. Yours sincerely, Alwhab Mansur
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural phrasing Original: accumulated some valuable information Suggested revision: gained valuable information Why it matters: This collocation is more natural for knowledge obtained at a conference.
- 2. Correct the preposition Original: in call forwarding technology Suggested revision: about call-forwarding technology Why it matters: Information is gained about a subject, and the compound modifier needs a hyphen.
- 3. Avoid repetition Original: present them with some insights into Suggested revision: offer them insights into Why it matters: This avoids repeating the word presentation while preserving the meaning.
- 4. Use precise wording Original: what the recent telecom world looks like Suggested revision: recent developments in telecommunications Why it matters: The revision expresses the subject more precisely and formally.
- 5. Remove redundancy Original: presentation session Suggested revision: presentation Why it matters: A presentation already denotes a session, so the second noun is unnecessary.
- 6. Choose accurate verb Original: topics which were reported Suggested revision: topics that were discussed Why it matters: Topics at a conference are more naturally described as discussed than reported.
- 7. Correct verb pattern Original: I am thinking to get Suggested revision: I am planning to gather Why it matters: Think does not take a to-infinitive in this construction.
- 8. Keep formal register Original: the guys Suggested revision: the team Why it matters: The proposed wording is more appropriate in a letter to a manager.
- 9. Remove stray comma Original: Monday morning, at 9:00 am Suggested revision: Monday morning at 9:00 a.m. Why it matters: No comma is needed between the day period and its precise time.
- 10. Use a precise verb Original: do it Suggested revision: deliver it Why it matters: Deliver clearly identifies the action performed with a presentation.
- 11. Complete the construction Original: to present topics Suggested revision: covering the following topics Why it matters: This phrase connects the two session titles grammatically to the preceding clause.
- 12. Correct the collocation Original: materials which will be narrated Suggested revision: materials that I will use Why it matters: Materials are used or presented rather than narrated.
Suggested Rewrites
- accumulated some valuable information gained valuable information
- in call forwarding technology about call-forwarding technology
- present them with some insights into offer them insights into
- what the recent telecom world looks like recent developments in telecommunications
- presentation session presentation
- topics which were reported topics that were discussed
Why this response received Band 6.5
The letter achieves its request clearly and covers the proposed content, timing, audience, and venue with useful detail. Its main weakness is presentation: the response is a single dense paragraph, while several awkward phrases and the informal word choice ‘guys’ reduce professional polish. Prioritise dividing the letter into purposeful paragraphs and revising unnatural expressions for a consistently formal, precise tone.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
The request is clear, all three bullet points are addressed with relevant detail, and the tone is generally suitable for a manager.
Maintain a consistently professional register by replacing informal wording such as ‘the guys’ and clarifying exactly what form each presentation session will take.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information follows a sensible sequence, but presenting the entire letter as one paragraph weakens organisation and readability.
Use separate paragraphs for the request, presentation plan, audience and venue, and closing approval request.
Lexical Resource
The letter uses a good range of topic-specific vocabulary, though several combinations such as ‘materials which will be narrated’ sound unnatural.
Choose more natural professional collocations, for example ‘materials that will be presented’ and ‘developments in the telecommunications industry’.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex structures communicates meaning clearly, but recurring errors in complementation, number, and clause construction reduce accuracy.
Review patterns such as ‘thinking of getting’, plural agreement in ‘members’, and the structure of ‘important to our work and performance’.
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