You have recently learned about a piece of equipment that would help you at your workplace. Write a letter to your manager. In your letter: - describe the equipment - explain how it might be useful at your workplace - offer help in purchasing it
Sample Response
Dear Mr Henry,
I recently came across a piece of office equipment at another office that I found exciting and believe could greatly enhance our workplace environment. This is a "standing desk" that I am talking about. Given the long hours that many of us spend at our desks, a standing desk would provide significant health and productivity benefits.
Standing desks are known to reduce the risks associated with prolonged sitting, such as back pain and poor posture. Since we work long hours in front of our computers, those standing desks could be an excellent choice. According to a journal, these desks also promote better blood circulation and boost the concentration and energy levels of employees. By incorporating these desks into our office, I believe, we could improve overall employee well-being, leading to higher efficiency.
If you find this idea worth considering, I would be happy to assist in researching suitable models within our budget and coordinating with suppliers to find the best option. Please let me know if you would like me to provide further details.
Thank you in advance.
Yours sincerely,
Amelia Martin
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix location preposition Original: at another office Suggested revision: in another office Why it matters: “In” is the natural preposition for equipment seen inside a workplace.
- 2. Use precise evaluation Original: exciting Suggested revision: impressive Why it matters: “Impressive” more precisely describes a useful piece of workplace equipment.
- 3. Clarify relative clause Original: and believe could greatly enhance Suggested revision: and that I believe could greatly enhance Why it matters: Repeating “that” makes the two relative-clause structures easier to parse.
- 4. Remove unnecessary that Original: Given the long hours that many of us spend at our desks Suggested revision: Given the long hours many of us spend at our desks Why it matters: The relative pronoun can be omitted here for a more concise sentence.
- 5. Identify beneficiaries Original: health and productivity benefits Suggested revision: health and productivity benefits for employees Why it matters: Naming the beneficiaries connects the proposed equipment more explicitly to the workplace.
- 6. Use generic plural Original: the risks associated with prolonged sitting Suggested revision: risks associated with prolonged sitting Why it matters: The zero article is more natural when introducing risks in general.
- 7. Tighten example phrase Original: such as back pain and poor posture Suggested revision: including back pain and poor posture Why it matters: “Including” integrates the examples concisely into the claim about risks.
- 8. Fix misplaced commas Original: By incorporating these desks into our office, I believe, we could Suggested revision: I believe that incorporating these desks into our office could Why it matters: The revision removes disruptive commas and avoids placing “I believe” between the opening modifier and its subject.
- 9. Describe equipment further Suggested revision: Add one brief physical or functional detail explaining how a standing desk lets an employee alternate between sitting and standing. Why it matters: The equipment is named clearly, but its operation is not yet described for the manager.
- 10. Group benefit types Suggested revision: Present the health benefits first, then connect the concentration and energy benefits to the final claim about workplace efficiency. Why it matters: A clearer health-to-productivity sequence would strengthen progression within the paragraph.
Suggested Rewrites
- at another office in another office
- exciting impressive
- and believe could greatly enhance and that I believe could greatly enhance
- Given the long hours that many of us spend at our desks Given the long hours many of us spend at our desks
- health and productivity benefits health and productivity benefits for employees
- the risks associated with prolonged sitting risks associated with prolonged sitting
Why this response received Band 8.0
The letter is purposeful, professionally toned, and especially strong in explaining how standing desks could improve staff health and productivity. The equipment itself is only briefly described, and a few phrases and punctuation choices sound awkward. Add one or two concrete details about the desk's design or operation, then streamline phrasing and comma placement to make the response fully precise.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
The letter clearly identifies the equipment, develops its workplace benefits, and offers practical purchasing assistance in an appropriate tone.
Describe how a standing desk is designed or adjusted so the first requested point is as fully developed as the benefits.
Coherence and Cohesion
Purposeful paragraphs and clear sequencing create smooth progression from the proposal to benefits and practical follow-up.
Tighten the small repetition between the opening benefit statement and the following explanation to make the progression even more economical.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and precise for health, productivity, budgeting, and procurement, with only a few slightly awkward phrases.
Replace expressions such as found exciting and those standing desks with more natural, context-specific wording.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex sentences is used accurately, with only minor punctuation and phrasing lapses.
Remove intrusive commas around I believe and check modifier placement to achieve consistently polished sentence control.
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