You started in your present job two years ago. You now feel it is important for your career development to move to a different department in the same company. Write a letter to your manager. In your letter: • say what you have learned in your present job • suggest how the company would benefit from moving you to a different department • explain why you do not wish to leave the company ……………………,
Sample Response
Dear Manager Kim!
At the moment, I have a great position in our company, which I got two years ago, after the interview. From the start until current time, I learned more and mastered useful skills for my work. I'm completely satisfied with my place, responsibilities and position, but with time we need to stive more on developing and improving.
In this letter, I want to address you with suggestion about my moving into another section to gain a new experience and proficiency. I want to ensure your company with partners and agreements. Also, despite stress and presure I can be a benefit employee. I will work hard and enable grawing and sharing our projects. Moving to a different department it's an amazing opportunity for me to demonstrate my potential.
I will expect your answer after considering my proposal. Despite your desition I will do my contribution for team development.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Inappropriate salutation Original: Dear Manager Kim! Suggested revision: Dear Mr. Kim, Why it matters: An exclamation mark is too informal for a letter to a manager. Use a comma instead, and address them by their title and last name (e.g., Mr. Kim or Ms. Kim).
- 2. Awkward phrasing Original: current time Suggested revision: the present Why it matters: 'Until current time' is unnatural. 'Until now' or 'up to the present' is much better.
- 3. Incorrect tense Original: I learned Suggested revision: I have learned Why it matters: Use the present perfect tense ('have learned') to describe experiences gained over a period of time leading up to the present.
- 4. Spelling error Original: stive Suggested revision: strive Why it matters: The correct spelling is 'strive'.
- 5. Incorrect preposition Original: on developing Suggested revision: to develop Why it matters: The verb 'strive' is followed by an infinitive verb ('to strive to develop'), not 'on' + gerund.
- 6. Word choice Original: address you with suggestion Suggested revision: write to suggest Why it matters: 'Address you with suggestion' is awkward and overly formal in an unnatural way. 'Write to suggest' is standard.
- 7. Awkward gerund Original: my moving Suggested revision: transferring Why it matters: 'Transferring' is a more professional term than 'moving' in a corporate context.
- 8. Unclear meaning Original: ensure your company with partners Suggested revision: secure new partnerships Why it matters: The phrase 'ensure your company with partners' is unclear. If you mean bringing in new business partners, 'secure new partnerships' is appropriate.
- 9. Spelling error Original: presure Suggested revision: pressure Why it matters: The correct spelling is 'pressure'.
- 10. Incorrect adjective Original: benefit employee Suggested revision: valuable asset Why it matters: 'Benefit' is a noun. You should use 'beneficial' or, better yet, 'valuable asset' to describe your worth to the company.
- 11. Spelling error Original: grawing Suggested revision: growing Why it matters: The correct spelling is 'growing'.
- 12. Redundant pronoun Original: department it's Suggested revision: department is Why it matters: Do not use 'it's' immediately after the subject 'Moving to a different department'. It makes the pronoun redundant.
Suggested Rewrites
- Dear Manager Kim! Dear Mr. Kim,
- current time the present
- I learned I have learned
- stive strive
- on developing to develop
- address you with suggestion write to suggest
Why this response received Band 5.0
The letter communicates a basic intent to transfer departments, but it lacks the necessary detail and formal tone required for a professional letter to a manager. The main limitation is the failure to clearly address the third bullet point (explaining why you do not wish to leave the company) and the vague details provided for the other points. To improve, you must explicitly address every prompt requirement with specific examples and adopt a consistently polite, formal tone.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
The purpose of the letter is partially achieved, but key details are missing. You do not clearly explain why you want to stay with this specific company instead of leaving (Bullet 3), and your description of what you learned (Bullet 1) is too vague. The tone is also occasionally inappropriate, such as using exclamation marks and demanding phrases like 'I will expect your answer'.
Ensure you address all three bullet points with concrete details. For example, name specific skills you learned (e.g., project management) and explicitly state why you love the company's culture to satisfy the third bullet.
Coherence and Cohesion
The letter is divided into paragraphs, but the progression of ideas is sometimes abrupt. Cohesive devices are used but are occasionally repetitive or inaccurate (e.g., starting sentences with 'Despite' or 'Also' in a repetitive manner).
Use a wider range of linking words and ensure smooth transitions between sentences. For instance, instead of 'Also, despite...', use 'Furthermore, even under pressure...'
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is limited and contains several spelling and word-choice errors that affect clarity. Words like 'stive', 'presure', 'grawing', and 'desition' are misspelled, and expressions like 'benefit employee' are non-standard.
Focus on learning professional business collocations (e.g., 'make a contribution' instead of 'do my contribution', and 'valuable asset' instead of 'benefit employee').
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
There are frequent grammatical errors, particularly with verb tenses ('I learned' instead of 'I have learned'), sentence structure ('it's' used redundantly after a noun phrase), and preposition usage. Contractions ('I'm', 'it's') are also used, which should be avoided in formal letters.
Practice using the present perfect tense for actions starting in the past and continuing to the present. Avoid contractions in formal writing to maintain a professional register.