It is believed by many people that ‘If people have more money, they are generally happier.’ To what extent do you agree with this statement?
Sample Response
It is commonly believed that money brings happiness. However, it is a debatable fact that wealthier persons are happier and happiness is directly related to the money. According to me, money plays a vital in gaining happiness but a person feels joyful because of several reasons and they may or may be linked with money.
To begin with, money is important to satisfy the basic needs for survival. Nowadays, we require money everywhere- that could be educational institutions, hospitals, supermarkets, et cetera. A rich person can obviously afford to visit various places around the world, which makes one happier. Moreover, today, for spiritual or philosophical guidance one needs money. In few cases, one may obtain joy by helping the needy people by giving a handsome amount of donations. In this way, one might get happiness. Therefore, one may consider that, ‘Money is the existing God’ in today’s world and one becomes happier when one has money. However, real happiness is priceless and it cannot be attained with money.
Some others may argue that money could be useful to purchase the required things, nevertheless, one cannot buy happiness. For example, the happiness in the eyes of a mother when she gives birth to a baby cannot be bought by money. Next, real happiness is directly linked to the soul satisfaction. One can get exuberant joy without money as if by participating in charity work and so on. Hence, it is clear that one cannot relate happiness with money. Money can buy a luxurious house but cannot guarantee joy. Happiness comes from a satisfied soul and sound body while money can ensure the materialistic joys.
To summarise, one may consider that money is very crucial in achieving happiness and some sort of people may also consider that ‘money makes the mare go’. However, what I believe is that money is certainly an important factor but not a sole factor to achieve happiness. Thus, I strongly disagree that happiness is obtained by money in all the cases.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove faulty collocation Original: a debatable fact Suggested revision: debatable Why it matters: A proposition can be debatable, but calling it a debatable fact is contradictory.
- 2. Remove the article Original: the money Suggested revision: money Why it matters: Money is used generically here, so it does not take the definite article.
- 3. Use natural stance phrase Original: According to me Suggested revision: In my view Why it matters: In my view is the natural phrase for introducing a personal opinion.
- 4. Complete the noun phrase Original: plays a vital Suggested revision: plays a vital role Why it matters: Vital needs a following noun in this construction.
- 5. Repair the alternative Original: they may or may be linked Suggested revision: these reasons may or may not be linked Why it matters: The expression requires may or may not, and a clear noun avoids the vague pronoun.
- 6. Fix dash punctuation Original: everywhere- Suggested revision: everywhere— Why it matters: An em dash correctly introduces the examples without leaving a spaced hyphen.
- 7. Add the article Original: In few cases Suggested revision: In a few cases Why it matters: The countable expression requires a before few.
- 8. Use respectful wording Original: the needy people Suggested revision: people in need Why it matters: People in need is a more natural and person-centred expression.
- 9. Fix donation collocation Original: a handsome amount of donations Suggested revision: generous donations Why it matters: Generous donations is the idiomatic collocation for substantial charitable giving.
- 10. Clarify the metaphor Original: Money is the existing God Suggested revision: Money is like a god Why it matters: Existing God is not an idiomatic expression and obscures the intended comparison.
- 11. Fix noun phrase Original: the soul satisfaction Suggested revision: satisfaction of the soul Why it matters: The original noun combination is not grammatically natural in this context.
- 12. Use example linker Original: as if by participating Suggested revision: for example, by participating Why it matters: For example clearly introduces charity work as an illustration rather than a hypothetical comparison.
Suggested Rewrites
- a debatable fact debatable
- the money money
- According to me In my view
- plays a vital plays a vital role
- they may or may be linked these reasons may or may not be linked
- everywhere- everywhere—
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response explores both the material benefits of money and important non-financial sources of happiness, using a clear overall structure and several relevant examples. Its main limitation is that the position shifts between a qualified view and a strong disagreement, while some ideas rely on broad assertions and awkward wording. The highest priority is to state one precise degree of agreement and develop each supporting claim more consistently.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay addresses the relationship between money and happiness with relevant arguments, but its degree of agreement is not consistently framed and some claims remain general.
State a precise position on whether greater wealth generally increases happiness and make every paragraph support that same qualification.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress through a clear introduction, contrasting body paragraphs, and conclusion, although linking is sometimes mechanical and individual points are loosely connected.
Use fewer formulaic transitions and build clearer logical links between each claim, example, and paragraph conclusion.
Lexical Resource
The response shows an adequate range for discussing wealth and happiness, but recurring awkward collocations and imprecise expressions reduce naturalness.
Replace phrases such as materialistic joys and soul satisfaction with precise, idiomatic language and check article use in common noun phrases.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex structures communicates the argument clearly overall, despite recurring errors with articles, agreement, word forms, and sentence construction.
Edit each sentence for complete grammatical structure, especially missing nouns, articles, and agreement in complex clauses.