In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between inequality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in more egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success?
Sample Response
According to the Ecological Systems Theory, the environment that a person lives in has the most significant influence on his/her personal development. Some argue that certain personal traits are closely associated with a person’s achievement. However, I will argue in this essay that social equality is the key to an individual’s success in general from two aspects: gender equality and education equality.
The roles that women play in societies often vary significantly among different regions of the world. Societies, that offer women more freedom in terms of educational and vocational choices, could possess more desirable opportunities to facilitate women in pursuing their dreams and achieving their potentials. Women in Australia, for example, where the equality between males and females is considerably advance, could be more likely to achieve higher personal successes than women in Pakistan where females often remain inferior than males in society.
Education equality is another effect that could largely influence on one’s accomplishment. As human society develops, the ability of literacy and the access to modern technologies become increasingly important in individuals’ personal development. Residents of regions where free fundamental education and better access to technologies, such as the internet and computers, are provided, could have increasing numbers of opportunities to exercise their personal traits, thus, to succeed in the fields of their choices.
To conclude, an egalitarian society can facilitate more achievements among individuals. The gender and education equalities are two fundamental ones that could ensure everyone in the society, both males and females, to have the relatively equal opportunity to succeed.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use concise phrasing Original: certain personal traits Suggested revision: certain individual traits Why it matters: Individual traits avoids repeating person in the same sentence.
- 2. Use concise expression Original: success in general Suggested revision: overall success Why it matters: Overall success expresses the intended general meaning more directly.
- 3. Correct aspect phrase Original: from two aspects Suggested revision: in two respects Why it matters: In two respects is the natural expression for the two dimensions introduced.
- 4. Use adjective form Original: gender equality and education equality Suggested revision: gender equality and educational equality Why it matters: Educational is the correct adjective modifying equality.
- 5. Remove restrictive comma Original: Societies, that offer Suggested revision: Societies that offer Why it matters: The defining relative clause identifies which societies and should not be separated by a comma.
- 6. Correct opportunity collocation Original: could possess more desirable opportunities Suggested revision: could provide better opportunities Why it matters: Societies provide opportunities rather than possess them in this context.
- 7. Use correct verb pattern Original: facilitate women in pursuing Suggested revision: enable women to pursue Why it matters: Enable someone to do something is the correct pattern for this meaning.
- 8. Use uncountable potential Original: their potentials Suggested revision: their potential Why it matters: Potential is normally uncountable when referring to people's capacity to succeed.
- 9. Correct topic phrase Original: Education equality is another effect Suggested revision: Educational equality is another factor Why it matters: Educational is the correct modifier, and factor accurately names a cause or influence.
- 10. Remove incorrect preposition Original: could largely influence on Suggested revision: could greatly influence Why it matters: Influence is transitive here and does not take on.
- 11. Use direct noun Original: the ability of literacy Suggested revision: literacy Why it matters: Literacy already names the ability to read and write, so the longer phrase is redundant.
- 12. Remove unnecessary article Original: the access to modern technologies Suggested revision: access to modern technologies Why it matters: Access is used as an uncountable general noun here and does not need the.
Suggested Rewrites
- certain personal traits certain individual traits
- success in general overall success
- from two aspects in two respects
- gender equality and education equality gender equality and educational equality
- Societies, that offer Societies that offer
- could possess more desirable opportunities could provide better opportunities
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response presents a clear view and develops it through two relevant dimensions, with focused paragraphs and suitable examples. Its main limitation is linguistic precision: recurring collocation, word-form, and grammatical problems make several otherwise strong claims sound awkward. The highest priority is to express the causal links between equality, opportunity, and achievement in more natural, accurately controlled sentences.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
A clear position is maintained and supported through relevant discussion of gender and educational equality.
Explain more explicitly how the chosen examples establish the broader relationship between equality and individual merit.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response follows a clear progression from its thesis through two distinct supporting aspects to a consistent conclusion.
Make the internal links within each body paragraph more explicit so examples and causal claims connect seamlessly.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and appropriately academic in places, though several collocations and word forms are inaccurate.
Refine recurring expressions about opportunities, potential, literacy, and achievement so they are idiomatic and exact.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A good range of complex structures is evident, but errors in comparison forms, relative clauses, and verb patterns recur.
Check complex sentences for correct adjective forms, prepositions, and verb complementation before finalising the response.