These days more fathers stay at home and take care of their children while mothers go out to work. What could be the reasons for this? Is it a positive or negative development?
Sample Response
The traditional belief that men are breadwinners while women should take care of chores and up bring children is no longer true in the modern era. In many places, this convention has gone to a reverse way and an increasing number of women work outside and men stay at home. There are several reasons for this and I personally think that it is a positive trend. With the changes in social belief, more parents send their daughters for higher studies instead of preparing them for getting married and this enhances the capable and educated women workforce. In many fields, for example, telemarketing, teaching, fashion design, and banking, women are doing better than men and this has created a demand for female employees in the job market. The equal right movement has had a great impact on empowering women and this has become quite normal for mothers to work at offices while the fathers decide to stay at home to take care of their children. This decision is often based on mutual understanding of the couples and the one who has the higher earning potential decides to work to support the increasing expenses of the family. This has been socially accepted in most of the developed countries though some developing countries in Asia are yet to completely accept this trend. In my opinion, this trend has more positive outcomes and should be treated as a progress. If both genders do not work for hand in hand and do not get the equal opportunity, the real progress would be impossible. This ensures that we live in an era when both men and women have an equal opportunity and someone is not deprived of a great career or a big opportunity only because of her gender. It is a great chance that allows the parents to decide who to earn money for the family and who to take care of the family, not based on social and traditional belief. In conclusion, the changing roles in a family have been possible due to the great changes in social belief, advancement of women, especially in education and this is a very positive trend that eliminates the gender discrimination and advocates the equal rights.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Correct phrasal verb Original: up bring Suggested revision: bring up Why it matters: Bring up is the correct phrasal verb meaning to raise children.
- 2. Fix awkward expression Original: has gone to a reverse way Suggested revision: has been reversed Why it matters: Has been reversed expresses the change clearly and idiomatically.
- 3. Clarify work location Original: work outside Suggested revision: work outside the home Why it matters: Outside the home clearly contrasts paid employment with staying at home.
- 4. Use natural phrasing Original: With the changes in social belief Suggested revision: As social attitudes change Why it matters: Social attitudes is the natural term for changing views in society.
- 5. Use academic collocation Original: for higher studies Suggested revision: to pursue higher education Why it matters: Pursue higher education is a more natural academic collocation.
- 6. Use concise noun form Original: preparing them for getting married Suggested revision: preparing them for marriage Why it matters: The noun marriage produces a more concise and natural construction.
- 7. Fix workforce phrase Original: enhances the capable and educated women workforce Suggested revision: expands the skilled and educated female workforce Why it matters: This replacement uses natural modifiers and the correct verb for workforce growth.
- 8. Use plural rights Original: The equal right movement Suggested revision: The equal rights movement Why it matters: Equal rights is the established plural expression modifying movement.
- 9. Correct dummy pronoun Original: this has become quite normal Suggested revision: it has become quite normal Why it matters: The construction requires the dummy pronoun it before the following infinitive phrase.
- 10. Correct office preposition Original: work at offices Suggested revision: work in offices Why it matters: In is the natural preposition for describing work performed inside offices.
- 11. Correct relationship phrase Original: mutual understanding of the couples Suggested revision: mutual understanding between couples Why it matters: Between correctly expresses mutual understanding shared by two partners.
- 12. Use concise possession Original: the increasing expenses of the family Suggested revision: the family’s rising expenses Why it matters: The possessive construction is more concise and collocates naturally with rising expenses.
Suggested Rewrites
- up bring bring up
- has gone to a reverse way has been reversed
- work outside work outside the home
- With the changes in social belief As social attitudes change
- for higher studies to pursue higher education
- preparing them for getting married preparing them for marriage
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response answers both questions directly, giving several relevant reasons for changing parental roles and sustaining a clear view that the development is positive. The strongest feature is its breadth of relevant ideas, but the absence of paragraphing weakens the organisation, and recurring awkward expressions reduce precision. Divide the causes and evaluation into purposeful paragraphs, then edit collocations and sentence structures for more natural accuracy.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
Both parts are addressed fully with a clear position and several relevant, extended explanations of causes and benefits.
Qualify broad claims about women outperforming men and deepen the explanation of how household role flexibility benefits families.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument has clear overall progression and effective signposting, but presenting the entire response as one paragraph obscures its stages.
Separate the introduction, reasons, positive evaluation, and conclusion into distinct paragraphs with focused central ideas.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a good range of topic vocabulary, although recurring collocational and word-form problems sometimes sound unnatural.
Replace phrases such as “gone to a reverse way,” “treated as a progress,” and “work for hand in hand” with natural equivalents.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A range of complex structures communicates the argument clearly, but article, preposition, and clause-construction errors recur.
Edit complex sentences for articles and complementation, especially constructions such as “allows the parents to decide who earns money.”