Large numbers of people participate in sports that are extremely dangerous. Why do you think people do this? How can the risks of participation be minimised?
Sample Response
Today many games are being played all over the world. Some of them are extremely risky and life threatening. Despite of these facts their popularity is growing and many people are playing such games on a professional level. This essay will identify the reasons why people are playing such life threatening games and provide some practical approaches to minimize the risk associated with these games.
First of all we need to find out the reason why such dangerous games are becoming so popular. To start with, the major attraction for players is good money that could be earned from a single game in just one day. This type of quick money increases stimulation among many players to adopt games such as boxing, wrestling, bull riding etc. Perhaps, fame and popularity is another compelling reason that encourages people to choose certain games. Furthermore, its proven that it is human nature to accept challenges and do things differently. Many players love to accept challenges and they want to astonish the world by their unique talent and skills.
As these games are now being introduced in the world and many people are joining them it is important to reduce risks by introducing some policies and procedures. For instance, anyone who wants to participate in particular games would not be allowed to play it until he/she deemed hundred per cent competence in required skills and knowledge. Secondly, it is important to endorse high quality personal protection equipment and training to combat risk associated with games.
In conclusion, excellent level of policies, procedures and training are integral part of treating the risks associated with such games.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Correct despite form Original: Despite of these facts Suggested revision: Despite these facts Why it matters: Despite is used directly before a noun phrase without of.
- 2. Use natural phrasing Original: games on a professional level Suggested revision: sports professionally Why it matters: This is a more natural way to describe professional participation.
- 3. Use precise verb Original: reasons why people are playing Suggested revision: reasons why people participate in Why it matters: Participate in is more precise and avoids an unnecessary progressive form.
- 4. Use plural risks Original: the risk associated with these games Suggested revision: the risks associated with these sports Why it matters: The discussion concerns multiple dangers across several sports, so the plural is clearer.
- 5. Use formal wording Original: good money Suggested revision: substantial income Why it matters: Substantial income is more precise and appropriately formal for an academic essay.
- 6. Match general claim Original: could Suggested revision: can Why it matters: The present modal matches this general claim about earning potential.
- 7. Correct word combination Original: increases stimulation among many players Suggested revision: motivates many participants Why it matters: Increase stimulation is not a natural collocation for describing motivation to participate.
- 8. Use correct collocation Original: adopt games Suggested revision: take up sports Why it matters: People take up a sport rather than adopt a game.
- 9. Complete the list Original: boxing, wrestling, bull riding etc. Suggested revision: boxing, wrestling, and bull riding. Why it matters: Using and to close this short list is clearer than adding etc.
- 10. Fix contraction error Original: its proven Suggested revision: it is proven Why it matters: Its is possessive, whereas this clause requires it is.
- 11. Avoid exaggeration Original: astonish the world Suggested revision: impress others Why it matters: This wording expresses the intended effect more precisely and without overstatement.
- 12. Clarify global practice Original: being introduced in the world Suggested revision: being practised worldwide Why it matters: The original phrase incorrectly suggests that established sports are only now being introduced.
Suggested Rewrites
- Despite of these facts Despite these facts
- games on a professional level sports professionally
- reasons why people are playing reasons why people participate in
- the risk associated with these games the risks associated with these sports
- good money substantial income
- could can
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response addresses both questions and is strongest in its clear division between motivations and risk-reduction measures, with relevant points about money, fame, competence, training, and protective equipment. Its main limitation is uneven development, especially in the solutions paragraph, alongside frequent grammatical and collocational errors. The priority is to explain how each proposed safeguard would work and then proofread systematically for articles, agreement, and verb forms.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both questions are answered with relevant reasons and safeguards, but the risk-reduction proposals receive limited explanation.
Develop each proposed measure by explaining its practical operation and likely effect on participant safety.
Coherence and Cohesion
The four-paragraph structure and overall progression are clear, though some linking is formulaic and references are occasionally imprecise.
Use more natural transitions and precise referencing to connect each claim directly to its explanation.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a reasonably varied topic vocabulary, but several inaccurate collocations reduce precision and naturalness.
Replace awkward combinations such as adopting games or endorsing equipment with standard sport-and-safety collocations.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex structures communicates the argument clearly, despite recurring errors with articles, agreement, verb forms, and possessives.
Proofread each sentence for complete verb phrases, subject-verb agreement, articles, and apostrophes before submitting.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Large numbers of people participate in sports that are extremely dangerous. Why do you think people do this? How can the risks of participation be minimised?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.