Large numbers of people participate in sports that are extremely dangerous. Why do you think people do this? How can the risks of participation be minimised?
Sample Response
Today many games are being played all over the world. Some of them are extremely risky and life threatening. Despite of these facts their popularity is growing and many people are playing such games on a professional level. This essay will identify the reasons why people are playing such life threatening games and provide some practical approaches to minimize the risk associated with these games.
First of all we need to find out the reason why such dangerous games are becoming so popular. To start with, the major attraction for players is good money that could be earned from a single game in just one day. This type of quick money increases stimulation among many players to adopt games such as boxing, wrestling, bull riding etc. Perhaps, fame and popularity is another compelling reason that encourages people to choose certain games. Furthermore, its proven that it is human nature to accept challenges and do things differently. Many players love to accept challenges and they want to astonish the world by their unique talent and skills.
As these games are now being introduced in the world and many people are joining them it is important to reduce risks by introducing some policies and procedures. For instance, anyone who wants to participate in particular games would not be allowed to play it until he/she deemed hundred per cent competence in required skills and knowledge. Secondly, it is important to endorse high quality personal protection equipment and training to combat risk associated with games.
In conclusion, excellent level of policies, procedures and training are integral part of treating the risks associated with such games.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove incorrect preposition Original: Despite of these facts Suggested revision: Despite these facts Why it matters: Despite is used directly before a noun phrase without of.
- 2. Use precise sports phrasing Original: playing such games on a professional level Suggested revision: participating in such sports professionally Why it matters: Participating in sports is more precise and natural in this context.
- 3. Improve solution collocation Original: provide some practical approaches Suggested revision: propose some practical measures Why it matters: Propose measures is a more natural collocation for solutions.
- 4. Use plural risks Original: risk associated with these games Suggested revision: risks associated with these sports Why it matters: The discussion concerns multiple dangers across several sports.
- 5. Add introductory comma Original: First of all we Suggested revision: First of all, we Why it matters: A comma should follow this introductory linking phrase.
- 6. Use academic phrasing Original: find out the reason Suggested revision: examine the reasons Why it matters: Examine the reasons is more precise and appropriately formal.
- 7. Improve verb choice Original: choose certain games Suggested revision: take up certain sports Why it matters: Take up a sport is the natural expression for beginning participation.
- 8. Correct contraction error Original: its proven Suggested revision: it is generally accepted Why it matters: Its is possessive and cannot replace it is in this clause.
- 9. Improve challenge collocation Original: love to accept challenges Suggested revision: enjoy taking on challenges Why it matters: Take on challenges is the more natural collocation.
- 10. Fix number consistency Original: talent Suggested revision: talents Why it matters: The plural reference to many players calls for talents in the plural.
- 11. Choose accurate verb Original: endorse Suggested revision: require Why it matters: Require conveys that protective equipment must be used, whereas endorse only expresses approval.
- 12. Use standard term Original: protection Suggested revision: protective Why it matters: Personal protective equipment is the established term.
Suggested Rewrites
- Despite of these facts Despite these facts
- playing such games on a professional level participating in such sports professionally
- provide some practical approaches propose some practical measures
- risk associated with these games risks associated with these sports
- First of all we First of all, we
- find out the reason examine the reasons
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response addresses both questions clearly and presents a logical set of reasons and risk-reduction measures, with its range of relevant ideas being the strongest feature. However, several solutions remain general, and frequent grammatical and collocational errors reduce precision. The highest priority is to explain how each proposed safety measure would operate while checking sentence structure, articles, agreement, and natural word combinations.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both parts are answered with relevant reasons and practical measures, although some supporting explanation remains general.
Develop each safety proposal by explaining who would enforce it and how it would reduce a specific danger.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response progresses logically through reasons and solutions, with clear paragraphing and generally effective linking.
Use fewer formulaic sequencing phrases and strengthen the internal connection between each claim and its explanation.
Lexical Resource
There is sufficient vocabulary to discuss motivation and safety, but several inaccurate collocations weaken precision.
Replace unnatural combinations such as adopting games or treating risks with standard expressions for participating in sports and managing risks.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex structures communicates the main ideas, but errors in articles, agreement, forms, and clause construction recur.
Prioritise accurate clause formation and proofread each sentence for articles, subject-verb agreement, and complete verb phrases.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Large numbers of people participate in sports that are extremely dangerous. Why do you think people do this? How can the risks of participation be minimised?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.