Multicultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnic peoples, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
Thanks to more widely open policies in economy and immigration of many countries, the 21st century has witnessed the surprisingly increasing formation of multicultural societies where a varying number of ethnic people stay together. Although it has both positive and negative effects to a country, it seems to me that we are more likely to obtain more benefits than disadvantages from this kind of society. The more diverse the residents of a country are, the more cultural values they can share to enhance their awareness and knowledge of culture and tradition. People will get more directly engaged in understanding unique customs or rituals, life and work attitudes from their foreign neighbours, colleagues and friends. As a consequence, they enable to adapt the cultural diversity in order to develop their interpersonal skills and live closer to other cultures without having to live in person in another country. Additionally, once people can know more about each other through everyday interactions at work or schools, the severe conflicts or even wars will be remarkably alleviated. It is undeniable that there might have some drawbacks that multicultural communities bring to a country. Racial disparity accelerated, the wealth-poverty gap deteriorated, different culture tensions are specific cases for what are the so-called drawbacks, but the inhabitants can overcome these when the government implement friendly-ethnic peoples’ policies, as well as the dwellers, have positive thoughts and behaviours to live compatibly with others. Stimulating multiculturalism in a society will offer numerous advantages to a country rather than undesirable effects. Therefore, each individual should savour every rewarding moment of living in their multicultural community and proudly spread their unique traditions to international friends so as to increase the diversity.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural phrasing Original: Thanks to more widely open policies Suggested revision: Because of more open policies Why it matters: More open policies is the natural comparative phrase in this context.
- 2. Fix the prepositions Original: in economy and immigration of many countries Suggested revision: on economic activity and immigration in many countries Why it matters: The revised prepositions correctly connect policies with their areas and locations.
- 3. Use a concise collocation Original: surprisingly increasing formation Suggested revision: rapid growth Why it matters: Rapid growth is the natural expression for an increase in multicultural societies.
- 4. Use precise neutral language Original: where a varying number of ethnic people stay together Suggested revision: in which people from diverse ethnic backgrounds live together Why it matters: This replacement expresses the intended demographic diversity clearly and naturally.
- 5. Correct the preposition Original: to Suggested revision: on Why it matters: The noun effects takes the preposition on in this construction.
- 6. Clarify the relationship Original: share to enhance Suggested revision: share, thereby enhancing Why it matters: The revised connector clearly shows that sharing cultural values produces the stated result.
- 7. Use plural categories Original: awareness and knowledge of culture and tradition Suggested revision: awareness and knowledge of different cultures and traditions Why it matters: Plural nouns are needed because the sentence refers to multiple cultural groups.
- 8. Use a concise phrase Original: get more directly engaged in understanding Suggested revision: engage more directly with Why it matters: Engage with is a more direct and natural collocation here.
- 9. Fix the collocation Original: life and work attitudes Suggested revision: attitudes to life and work Why it matters: Attitudes to is the natural structure for expressing views about life and work.
- 10. Fix verb complementation Original: they enable to adapt the cultural diversity Suggested revision: they can adapt to cultural diversity Why it matters: Enable cannot be used without an object here, while adapt requires to.
- 11. Remove redundant wording Original: live in person in another country Suggested revision: live in another country Why it matters: Living already implies being physically present, so in person is redundant.
- 12. Use parallel forms Original: schools Suggested revision: school Why it matters: The two general institutional expressions should use matching uncountable forms.
Suggested Rewrites
- Thanks to more widely open policies Because of more open policies
- in economy and immigration of many countries on economic activity and immigration in many countries
- surprisingly increasing formation rapid growth
- where a varying number of ethnic people stay together in which people from diverse ethnic backgrounds live together
- to on
- share to enhance share, thereby enhancing
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response maintains a clear view that multiculturalism brings greater benefits and develops relevant points about cultural awareness, interpersonal understanding, and reduced conflict. However, the drawbacks are largely listed rather than explained, the single-block format weakens organisation, and frequent awkward or malformed expressions reduce clarity. The priority is to structure the essay into focused paragraphs and develop one concrete drawback before showing convincingly why the benefits still outweigh it.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The essay answers the question with a consistent position and develops several relevant benefits, but its discussion of racial and economic drawbacks is brief, unclear, and insufficiently supported.
Explain one plausible drawback in detail and then show how a specific policy or social response would mitigate it, making the comparative judgement more convincing.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a broadly logical movement from the position through benefits, drawbacks, and a conclusion, but presenting the entire essay as one paragraph obscures idea boundaries and local links are sometimes unclear.
Separate the introduction, benefits, drawbacks, and conclusion into paragraphs, each organised around one controlling idea and a clear progression of support.
Lexical Resource
The response attempts a broad range of topic vocabulary, but frequent inaccurate collocations such as "adapt the cultural diversity," "different culture tensions," and "live compatibly" weaken precision.
Prefer natural expressions such as "adapt to cultural diversity," "intercultural tensions," and "live harmoniously," and verify that less familiar words fit the intended meaning.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex structures are attempted throughout, but frequent errors in verb patterns, agreement, articles, and clause formation sometimes make relationships between ideas difficult to follow.
Rewrite overloaded sentences as shorter complete clauses and check finite verbs, especially constructions such as "there might have" and "when the government implement."
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Multicultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnic peoples, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.