Many developed countries now have large numbers of people over the age of 65. What problems might this cause? How can the problems be solved?
Sample Response
The birth rate in most developed countries is predicted to begin to fall over the next 50 years. By 2030 it is estimated that over one third of the population in most developed countries will be aged 65 and over. What effects will these predictions have on developed countries if they prove true? What can be done now to deal with this situation?
Changing of generations always has been an essential part of the planet’s life cycle. However, today, this phenomenon has slowed down in most developed countries of the world. According to recent statistics, the birth rate will continue to decrease over the next 50 years, so, by 2030, more than one third of the population in these countries will be aged 65 and over. It is believed to have more negative effects on societies rather than positives.
Firstly, the declining nature of younger generations catalyzes the lack of workforce in national economies. Take Japan as an example. As the Japanese population is growing older, factories have to reduce their workplaces because there are not enough new workers to replace retiring workers. Hence, it will slow down economic growth of the country. Thus, these predicted figures will affect national economies of developing countries.
Moreover, the costs required to sustain retired people are likely to surge by 2030. Therefore, it is obvious that the social burden of caring for an aging population will be held by disproportionatelyfewer people in the younger generations. In order to prevent this unnatural misbalance that causes issues, governments should maintain stimulating demography policy. One of the possible solutions could be the usage of a wide range of preferences for giving birth. Another way is to promote the role of family and motherhood in modern society. Overall, the problem of aging populations in most developed countries is very challenging and should be considered more seriously by experts.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural noun phrase Original: Changing of generations Suggested revision: Generational change Why it matters: Generational change is the natural expression for this demographic process.
- 2. Correct adverb position Original: always has been Suggested revision: has always been Why it matters: The frequency adverb normally follows the auxiliary verb in this construction.
- 3. Improve demographic phrasing Original: planet’s life cycle Suggested revision: natural cycle of life Why it matters: This phrase expresses the intended cycle more naturally than assigning a life cycle to the planet.
- 4. Name the trend clearly Original: this phenomenon has slowed down Suggested revision: this generational change has slowed Why it matters: Naming the demographic process makes the reference clearer and more precise.
- 5. Remove misplaced comma Original: so, by 2030 Suggested revision: so by 2030 Why it matters: No comma is needed between so and the following time phrase.
- 6. Clarify pronoun reference Original: It is believed Suggested revision: This trend is believed Why it matters: The explicit noun phrase clearly identifies what is expected to have negative effects.
- 7. Complete comparison Original: rather than positives Suggested revision: than positive ones Why it matters: The comparative structure more negative requires than and a noun referring back to effects.
- 8. Describe population size Original: nature Suggested revision: size Why it matters: Size accurately describes a reduction in the number of younger people.
- 9. Use clear causal phrase Original: catalyzes the lack of workforce Suggested revision: creates labour shortages Why it matters: Creates labour shortages is a precise and natural expression of the stated economic effect.
- 10. Correct business collocation Original: workplaces Suggested revision: operations Why it matters: Factories can reduce their operations, whereas workplaces are locations rather than activities.
- 11. Avoid repeated noun Original: replace retiring workers Suggested revision: replace those who retire Why it matters: This revision avoids repeating workers while preserving the meaning.
- 12. Refer to trend accurately Original: these predicted figures Suggested revision: these demographic trends Why it matters: The paragraph discusses demographic changes rather than numerical figures alone.
Suggested Rewrites
- Changing of generations Generational change
- always has been has always been
- planet’s life cycle natural cycle of life
- this phenomenon has slowed down this generational change has slowed
- so, by 2030 so by 2030
- It is believed This trend is believed
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response presents a clear negative view and identifies two relevant consequences of an ageing population, with a logical example of labour shortages and economic effects. However, the proposed solutions remain vague, and copied task wording contributes no development; frequent unnatural collocations also weaken precision. The highest-priority improvement is to explain how each proposed policy would increase births or reduce pressure on workers, using specific mechanisms and outcomes.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both problems and solutions are addressed, but the solutions are only briefly stated and the copied prompt does not advance the response.
Develop each solution by explaining its practical implementation and how it would ease labour or pension pressures.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument follows a broadly logical progression with relevant paragraphing, although linking is sometimes mechanical and the final paragraph carries too many functions.
Give the solutions their own developed paragraph and use referencing rather than repeated formulaic connectors.
Lexical Resource
There is enough vocabulary to discuss demographic and economic issues, but frequent inaccurate collocations reduce naturalness and precision.
Replace expressions such as 'catalyzes the lack of workforce,' 'unnatural misbalance,' and 'stimulating demography policy' with standard academic phrasing.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The essay uses both simple and complex structures, but recurring article, word-form, spacing, and sentence-construction errors remain noticeable.
Edit complex sentences for accurate articles, noun forms, and clause relationships before adding further grammatical complexity.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Many developed countries now have large numbers of people over the age of 65. What problems might this cause? How can the problems be solved?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.