The animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land and in sea. What are the reasons and solutions?
Sample Response
Human society develops with a heavy cost on the animal world. A vast number of different species are being pushed to the verge of extinction. Rapid industrialization along with rampant illegal hunting are the driving forces behind such a tragedy; and ordinary people should join with governments in an effort to protect wild, endangered animals.
By releasing massive quantities of pollutants, many heavy industries such as steel and mining are inflicting tremendous damage on animals’ natural habitats. Forests which are home to wild animals are being cut down to make way for factories and fuel their operation. Furthermore, exploiting oil from oceans possibly leads to the unfortunate disappearance of many kinds of aquatic creatures. Many incidents where large schools of fish are killed have happened in consequence of being exposed to chemicals and chemical waste from oil and gas mining rigs located out at sea.
In addition, a lot of animals are being poached due to an increased demand for products made from their body parts. In the wild, rhinos are illegally slaughtered for their horns which are sold at high prices. Although laws and regulations are implemented in an attempt to protect particular endangered species, it does not seem to be effective enough.
There are, in fact, several ways to help protect wild animals. First of all, the expansion of heavy industries should be stopped by law to keep the natural environment for these animals untouched. Individuals should be well-informed that their unnecessary needs are a large cause of animal suffering, and hence, should refrain from using products made from animal skin or horn. Last but not least, poachers should be strictly punished and more conservation areas should be constructed in order to shelter endangered animals.
In conclusion, humans are threatening the survival of many animal species when they expand their factories and hunt out of greed. It is imperative to put appropriate protection measures, as I have discussed, into place.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Correct the collocation Original: with a heavy cost on Suggested revision: at great cost to Why it matters: The standard expression is that development occurs at a cost to something.
- 2. Fix clause punctuation Original: tragedy; and Suggested revision: tragedy, and Why it matters: A comma, rather than a semicolon, should precede and when it joins these independent clauses.
- 3. Use natural collocation Original: join Suggested revision: work Why it matters: Work with is the natural expression for cooperating with governments.
- 4. Name parallel industries Original: industries such as steel and mining Suggested revision: industries such as steel production and mining Why it matters: Steel is a material, so steel production is needed to make the two examples parallel.
- 5. Use plural noun Original: operation Suggested revision: operations Why it matters: Their refers to multiple factories, so operations should also be plural.
- 6. Correct the collocation Original: exploiting oil from oceans Suggested revision: extracting oil from the ocean Why it matters: Oil is extracted, while exploit normally refers to using a resource rather than removing it.
- 7. Express possibility clearly Original: possibly leads to Suggested revision: can lead to Why it matters: The modal can expresses a possible consequence more naturally here.
- 8. Use precise wording Original: unfortunate disappearance Suggested revision: loss Why it matters: Loss is a more precise and concise term for the disappearance of species.
- 9. Use precise terminology Original: many kinds of aquatic creatures Suggested revision: many aquatic species Why it matters: Aquatic species is more concise and appropriately formal.
- 10. Use formal quantifier Original: a lot of animals Suggested revision: many animals Why it matters: Many is more concise and formal than a lot of in academic writing.
- 11. Mark nonessential clause Original: their horns which are sold Suggested revision: their horns, which are sold Why it matters: The clause adds information about the horns generally and should be set off with a comma.
- 12. Fix pronoun agreement Original: it does not seem to be effective enough Suggested revision: they do not seem to be effective enough Why it matters: The pronoun must agree with the plural subject laws and regulations.
Suggested Rewrites
- with a heavy cost on at great cost to
- tragedy; and tragedy, and
- join work
- industries such as steel and mining industries such as steel production and mining
- operation operations
- exploiting oil from oceans extracting oil from the ocean
Why this response received Band 7.5
The response is strongest in its focused coverage of distinct causes and practical remedies, supported by relevant examples of habitat damage and poaching. Its main limitation is that some proposed solutions, especially stopping industrial expansion, are stated too absolutely and receive limited explanation. The highest-priority improvement is to develop more feasible, targeted environmental controls and show clearly how each proposed measure addresses a cause identified earlier.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The essay addresses both causes and solutions clearly, with relevant explanation and examples across the response.
Develop the industrial solution into a realistic policy, such as emission controls or habitat safeguards, and explain its likely effect.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response is logically sequenced, and each paragraph has a clear function within the causes-and-solutions structure.
Create a more explicit connection between each identified cause and its corresponding solution to strengthen the overall argument.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and often precise, particularly when describing habitat destruction, pollution, poaching, and conservation.
Improve collocational precision in phrases such as conservation areas being constructed and unnecessary needs causing suffering.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A broad range of complex structures is handled well, although occasional agreement and reference errors reduce complete accuracy.
Check pronoun agreement and reference carefully, especially where plural subjects are followed by singular forms such as it.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
The animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land and in sea. What are the reasons and solutions?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.