More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people have suggested that governments should increase the cost of unhealthy foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
An increasing number of people are getting excessively obese. Therefore some people have advised that Governmentment should increase the price of harmful foods. I totally agree with this opinion because their consumption and adverse effects will be minimised.
To begin with, the heightened cost of junk food will decrease the rate at which people consume them. High prices will compel people to buy less of them and opt for less expensive foods which are healthy. For example, according to the statistics done in 2020 on the consumption of pizza and burgers, it was discovered that a surge in their prices brought down the consumption rate by 40 % at the end of the year. Therefore, an increment in unhealthy food fees will cut down the feeding rate, reducing the obesity rate.
Similarly, the side effects of taking non-nutritious foods will be minimised. Less eating as a result of the inflated price will consequently reduce the harmful effects that come with them because of less exposure to their dangerous constituents. To illustrate, a drop in the proportion of adiposity in Nigeria in 2020 has been reported to be linked to low consumption of unhealthy diets by the citizens because they are not affordable and satisfying compared to other kinds.
In conclusion, I totally agree with high pay for foods that are not beneficial to health to curb the increasing overweight population. This is because it will reduce the amount consumed as well as the disorders associated with them.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Avoid redundant degree Original: getting excessively obese Suggested revision: becoming obese Why it matters: “Obese” already describes excessive body weight, so “excessively” is redundant.
- 2. Add transition comma Original: Therefore some people Suggested revision: Therefore, some people Why it matters: A comma should follow the introductory conjunctive adverb “Therefore”.
- 3. Correct spelling and form Original: Governmentment Suggested revision: governments Why it matters: The word is misspelled and should be a lowercase plural noun for the general reference.
- 4. Use precise term Original: harmful Suggested revision: unhealthy Why it matters: “Unhealthy foods” is the more natural term for foods with poor nutritional value.
- 5. Natural price phrase Original: heightened Suggested revision: higher Why it matters: “Higher cost” is the idiomatic comparative phrase in this context.
- 6. Match noun reference Original: them Suggested revision: it Why it matters: The pronoun should agree with the uncountable noun phrase “junk food”.
- 7. Match noun reference Original: them Suggested revision: it Why it matters: The pronoun should refer back to the uncountable noun phrase “junk food”.
- 8. Use concise phrase Original: foods which are healthy Suggested revision: healthy foods Why it matters: The adjective can modify the noun directly without a relative clause.
- 9. Correct collocation Original: done Suggested revision: collected Why it matters: Statistics are collected or compiled rather than “done”.
- 10. Name the evidence Original: it was discovered that Suggested revision: the data showed that Why it matters: The revision identifies the evidence directly and avoids an empty passive construction.
- 11. Correct price wording Original: an increment in unhealthy food fees Suggested revision: an increase in unhealthy food prices Why it matters: “Food prices” and “an increase” are the natural terms for this change.
- 12. Use accurate term Original: cut down the feeding rate Suggested revision: reduce the consumption rate Why it matters: “Feeding rate” is inappropriate for describing how often people eat particular foods.
Suggested Rewrites
- getting excessively obese becoming obese
- Therefore some people Therefore, some people
- Governmentment governments
- harmful unhealthy
- heightened higher
- them it
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response states a clear position, follows a sensible paragraph structure, and explains how higher prices could reduce unhealthy-food consumption. Its main limitation is that the second argument largely repeats the first causal chain, while several awkward word choices weaken precision. The most useful improvement would be to develop a genuinely distinct supporting reason and express it with natural collocations, supported by a more carefully explained example.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The question is addressed with a consistent position and relevant support, but the two main ideas overlap and development remains somewhat general.
Add a distinct second justification, such as funding public health measures or changing manufacturer behaviour, and develop its mechanism fully.
Coherence and Cohesion
Paragraphing and overall progression are clear, although linking is somewhat mechanical and some references are imprecise.
Use clearer noun references in place of ambiguous pronouns and connect the body paragraphs through their distinct functions.
Lexical Resource
The response has sufficient topic vocabulary, but frequent awkward collocations such as feeding rate and high pay reduce naturalness and precision.
Choose standard expressions such as consumption rate, higher prices, and health problems, and avoid forcing uncommon vocabulary.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of complex and simple sentences communicates the argument clearly, despite recurring slips in punctuation, agreement, and clause construction.
Proofread sentence boundaries, pronoun agreement, and comparative clauses, especially in the longer example sentences.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people have suggested that governments should increase the cost of unhealthy foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.