A lot of people believe that the amount of violence shown on TV and in the cinema affects the actions of our young people and therefore increases the amount of violence in our society today. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? What can be done to reduce violence in our society today?
Sample Response
The question of whether the amount of violence on TV and cinema has affected young people in our society is something which cannot be quantified or proved. My opinion is though that the answer is “yes, it has”.
TV and cinema today do show a large amount of violence and, although we try and shield our young people from seeing too much, they still get to watch it. At the age of eighteen in my country, they can see everything anyway. Violence on the streets has increased. That has been proved. The connection between the TV and the cinema obsession with violence and today's street violence cannot be proved but it is logical that the two are connected. Young people imitate what they see and it is logical that they see glamour in what they do when they commit violence.
How can we lessen violence? Reducing the amount of violence on TV and in the cinema would certainly be a good start. Being more vigilant about what age children are when they see violence in these media, and raising the age limits would also help. Another good idea would be to channel the violence of young people. I don‛t think that national service should be re-established in this country but, if people are convicted of violence and sent to prison, then why not give them the option of serving in the army. Their violence will be controlled and they will be subjected to discipline so that they will be better able to control themselves when they leave.
Thus I agree with the statement that cinema and TV violence affects the young people in our society. There are some things that can be done to better the situation but I doubt whether anything will be done.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Place contrast clearly Original: My opinion is though that Suggested revision: However, my opinion is that Why it matters: Placing ‘however’ first makes the contrast clear and removes the awkward interruption.
- 2. Use infinitive form Original: and Suggested revision: to Why it matters: The standard construction is ‘try to’ followed by the base verb.
- 3. Complete the reference Original: seeing too much Suggested revision: seeing too much of it Why it matters: ‘Of it’ is needed to refer clearly to the violent content.
- 4. Avoid positive implication Original: they still get to watch it Suggested revision: they can still watch it Why it matters: ‘Get to’ can imply a welcome opportunity, while ‘can’ neutrally expresses access.
- 5. Clarify the meaning Original: they see glamour in what they do Suggested revision: they view their violent behaviour as glamorous Why it matters: The revision expresses the intended relationship between imitation, violence, and glamour directly.
- 6. Use formal structure Original: what age children are when they see violence in these media Suggested revision: the age at which children can see violence in these media Why it matters: ‘The age at which’ is the correct structure for specifying an age threshold.
- 7. Use natural collocation Original: channel the violence of young people Suggested revision: channel young people’s aggression Why it matters: English naturally uses ‘channel aggression’ rather than ‘channel violence’.
- 8. Correct apostrophe character Original: don‛t Suggested revision: don't Why it matters: Use a standard apostrophe in the contraction ‘don't’.
- 9. Place commas correctly Original: this country but, if Suggested revision: this country, but if Why it matters: The comma belongs before the coordinating conjunction, not after it.
- 10. Use precise legal wording Original: convicted of violence Suggested revision: convicted of violent offences Why it matters: People are convicted of offences, so this wording expresses the intended meaning more precisely.
- 11. Complete conditional structure Original: then why not give them Suggested revision: they could be given Why it matters: A declarative main clause correctly completes the preceding conditional clause.
- 12. Name behaviour precisely Original: Their violence Suggested revision: Their violent behaviour Why it matters: ‘Violent behaviour’ can be controlled, whereas ‘their violence’ is awkward in this context.
Suggested Rewrites
- My opinion is though that However, my opinion is that
- and to
- seeing too much seeing too much of it
- they still get to watch it they can still watch it
- they see glamour in what they do they view their violent behaviour as glamorous
- what age children are when they see violence in these media the age at which children can see violence in these media
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response is strongest in maintaining a clear position and answering both the influence question and the request for solutions, with a straightforward progression from argument to action. Its main limitation is that several claims rely on assertion, and the proposal to send violent offenders into the army is insufficiently justified. The highest-priority improvement is to develop each solution with a credible mechanism and likely outcome while avoiding speculative leaps.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response answers both parts and sustains a clear opinion, but some reasoning and the army proposal remain insufficiently supported.
Explain each solution's mechanism and consequences, especially why military service would safely reduce later violence.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument progresses clearly from position to explanation and solutions, though some short sentences and rhetorical shifts make cohesion less smooth.
Combine closely related claims and use more explicit logical links when moving from evidence to inference.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary is sufficiently varied for the topic, but repetition and several imprecise expressions limit flexibility and exactness.
Reduce repetition of violence and young people by using precise topic-specific alternatives without forcing synonyms.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response shows a good range of generally accurate structures, with occasional awkward clauses and punctuation that do not impede meaning.
Revise rhetorical and heavily embedded sentences so their clause boundaries, punctuation, and subject relationships remain fully controlled.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
A lot of people believe that the amount of violence shown on TV and in the cinema affects the actions of our young people and therefore increases the amount of violence in our society today. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? What can be done to reduce violence in our society today?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.