Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Sample Response
It is claimed that music has the power to transcend cultural and age boundaries, and it is often promoted as a way to bring people together. However, I disagree with the opinion because I believe that its ability to truly bring people together is limited and often overestimated.
Music is not an effective means of uniting people because people have different musical tastes, and not all genres of music are universally popular. For instance, while some people may enjoy listening to classical music, others may prefer hip-hop or heavy metal music. Therefore, instead of promoting unity, music may create further division among people. In fact, some genres of music may even promote negative stereotypes and prejudices, which could lead to further disunity among people.
Furthermore, there are other more effective ways of bringing people of different cultures and generations together rather than music, such as through cultural festivals, sporting events, or community service projects. These activities allow people to work towards a common goal and promote a sense of unity and community spirit. For instance, volunteering at a local soup kitchen or participating in a community cleanup can bring people of different backgrounds together and foster a sense of togetherness. So in a sense, such events and programmes are more powerful in bringing people of different ages and cultures together than music.
In conclusion, while music can certainly be an enjoyable and entertaining activity, I do not believe that it is a reliable means of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. Rather, there are other more effective ways of promoting unity and community spirit that should be encouraged.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use a clearer reference Original: the Suggested revision: this Why it matters: This points directly to the opinion introduced in the preceding sentence.
- 2. Use concise wording Original: truly bring people together Suggested revision: genuinely unite people Why it matters: The revision expresses the same claim more concisely and avoids repeating bring people together.
- 3. Avoid repeated music Original: hip-hop or heavy metal music Suggested revision: hip-hop or heavy metal Why it matters: The genre names already identify types of music, so the final noun is unnecessary.
- 4. Use a concise outcome Original: further division among people Suggested revision: greater social division Why it matters: The revision conveys the divisive result more compactly and precisely.
- 5. Remove redundant comparison Original: Furthermore, there are other more effective ways Suggested revision: Furthermore, there are more effective ways Why it matters: More effective already establishes the comparison, making other unnecessary.
- 6. Complete the comparison Original: together rather than music Suggested revision: together than music does Why it matters: The comparative phrase more effective requires than and a verb completing the comparison.
- 7. Use direct action verbs Original: promote a sense of unity and community spirit Suggested revision: foster unity and community spirit Why it matters: Foster states the effect directly and removes the vague phrase a sense of.
- 8. Use precise community wording Original: sense of togetherness Suggested revision: sense of shared belonging Why it matters: Shared belonging describes the social connection produced by the activity more precisely.
- 9. Use the correct collocation Original: more powerful in bringing Suggested revision: more effective at bringing Why it matters: Effective at is the natural collocation for comparing how well activities unite people.
- 10. Remove overlapping adjectives Original: enjoyable and entertaining activity Suggested revision: enjoyable activity Why it matters: Enjoyable and entertaining express nearly the same quality here.
- 11. Remove repeated comparison Original: Rather, there are other more effective ways Suggested revision: Rather, there are more effective ways Why it matters: More effective is sufficient to compare the alternatives with music.
Suggested Rewrites
- the this
- truly bring people together genuinely unite people
- hip-hop or heavy metal music hip-hop or heavy metal
- further division among people greater social division
- Furthermore, there are other more effective ways Furthermore, there are more effective ways
- together rather than music together than music does
Why this response received Band 8.0
The essay presents a clear, consistent disagreement and develops it through logically organised reasons and relevant examples, with highly controlled language throughout. Its main limitation is that the claim about music promoting stereotypes is asserted briefly, and the repeated language of unity and bringing people together slightly reduces lexical variety. Prioritise deepening that counterargument with a concrete mechanism or example while trimming repeated phrasing.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear position is sustained and supported by two well-developed lines of reasoning, although the stereotype claim receives limited explanation.
Explain how a particular musical context might reinforce division, or remove that minor claim and deepen the stronger musical-taste argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas are sequenced logically in focused paragraphs, and cohesive devices guide the reader smoothly without obscuring progression.
Tighten the transition into the alternative-activities paragraph so its comparative purpose is immediately explicit.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is flexible and precise, with effective phrases such as transcend cultural boundaries and foster a sense of togetherness, despite some repetition.
Vary repeated references to bringing people together with concise alternatives such as building social cohesion or connecting communities.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is used accurately and naturally, with only rare minor lapses that do not affect communication.
As a refinement, vary sentence openings and keep comparative structures as concise as the rest of the response.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.