Band 6.5 IELTS Writing Task 2 Correction

Music is played in every society and culture in the world today. Some people think that music brings only benefits to the individuals and societies. Others, however, think that music can have a negative influence on both. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Sample Response

Music is considered as the foods for our souls and its relationship with human race is so intense that we cannot think of a single country or society that does not have its own music. Music is related to our relaxation, our festival, our national pride, prayer, daily activities, joys, celebration and many important aspects of our personal and social life. I believe that pure music is always pleasing and brings benefits to both society and culture. The negative effect of music is so unheard of and I believe that we need music for our personal motivation, festivals, celebration, different occasions and expressing our inner joys and respect for things we love.

First of all, music is a form of joy which is tied with our existence. It is a form of expression which can be understood and expressed so easily. Possibly music is the only form of art that we can feel so deeply and need in every part of our personal and social life. Music is the composition of lyrics, melody, instruments, feelings and experience that articulate our life and we have our favourite music based on our understanding and preference. Other forms of arts are restricted within a perimeter but music has no boundaries- it lives beyond ages and borders.

Positive influences of music are enormous – it heals our wound, it motivates us, it refreshes our mind, it reminds us our past and the list goes on and on. The music a society or country adopts reflects its traditions, cultures, history and unique features. The national anthem- which is also a music- is revered by all the countrymen and inspires people. Music is a part of prayer in many religions and cultures.

Now if we judge how music can bring negative effects, which I do not agree with, we will have to consider the people who are basically claiming it. When people say that foreign music is harmful to a particular tradition, they are not actually complaining about the music, rather people’s choice of music. The generation gap is another reason that can bring up the opinions that modern music is harmful to young people. That’s something I also disagree. This generation gap exists in all centuries and it is pretty common that older generation would complain about the choice made by the new generation, especially in music.

Finally, it is really hard to find an individual who does not like music. His music choice might be different but his overall need and feelings for music are positive. The music is an important part of a society and every society has its relationship with music. The music reflects a society and the unique way of life in that society.

In conclusion, I think music plays an important role in our life and its relationship with a society or country is unparalleled. The negative effects of music on an individual or society is a rare issue which we can easily control with our love to our own tradition. The positive aspects of music and its need in our life are endless.

IELTS Writing Correction

  • 1. Fixed expression Original: considered as the foods Suggested revision: considered food Why it matters: Considered does not take as here, and food is uncountable.
  • 2. Missing article Original: with human race Suggested revision: with the human race Why it matters: The fixed noun phrase requires the.
  • 3. Plural noun Original: our festival Suggested revision: our festivals Why it matters: The list refers to festivals generally.
  • 4. Define meaning Original: pure music Suggested revision: music created for artistic expression Why it matters: Pure music is vague and subjective.
  • 5. Overstatement Original: so unheard of Suggested revision: often overstated Why it matters: Negative influences are not literally unheard of.
  • 6. Preposition Original: tied with our existence Suggested revision: tied to our existence Why it matters: Tied to is the correct collocation.
  • 7. Avoid repetition Original: expressed so easily Suggested revision: shared across language barriers Why it matters: This develops the communication point more precisely.
  • 8. Uncountable noun Original: Other forms of arts Suggested revision: Other art forms Why it matters: Art is not plural in this construction.
  • 9. Dash spacing Original: boundaries- it lives Suggested revision: boundaries—it lives Why it matters: Use a proper dash without a hyphen-space combination.
  • 10. Plural noun Original: heals our wound Suggested revision: heals our wounds Why it matters: The general claim requires the plural.
  • 11. Missing preposition Original: reminds us our past Suggested revision: reminds us of our past Why it matters: Remind someone of something is the correct pattern.
  • 12. Uncountable noun Original: a music Suggested revision: a piece of music Why it matters: Music is uncountable.

Suggested Rewrites

  • considered as the foods considered food
  • with human race with the human race
  • our festival our festivals
  • pure music music created for artistic expression
  • so unheard of often overstated
  • tied with our existence tied to our existence
Overall assessment

Why this response received Band 6.5

The essay offers a clear positive position and develops the benefits of music for individuals, communities, culture, and religion with sustained fluency. Its principal weakness is task balance: the negative view is mostly dismissed as generational misunderstanding rather than seriously explained, so one side of the discussion remains underdeveloped. Add concrete potential harms, then rebut them, while tightening repetition and correcting recurrent article, agreement, and collocation errors.

Band score breakdown

IELTS Writing Criteria Scores

Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.

TR

Task Response

6.0
Feedback

The positive view and personal opinion are well developed, but the negative view receives limited and partly dismissive treatment.

Next step

Explain plausible harms such as offensive lyrics, excessive volume, or commercial pressure before giving a reasoned rebuttal.

CC

Coherence and Cohesion

7.0
Feedback

The essay is well paragraphed and generally easy to follow, though several paragraphs repeat the same positive claim.

Next step

Reduce repetition and make the negative-view paragraph a genuine contrasting stage.

LR

Lexical Resource

6.5
Feedback

Vocabulary is broad and expressive, but frequent inaccurate collocations and plural forms reduce precision.

Next step

Prefer natural phrases such as food for the soul, heal wounds, and remember the past.

GRA

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

6.0
Feedback

A range of complex sentences is used, but articles, agreement, prepositions, and punctuation are inconsistently controlled.

Next step

Check singular-plural agreement and articles around general abstract nouns.