Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Sample Response
Music can stimulate our minds and bodies and also offer some temporary relief from mental agony and sadness. Music probably can do many other things, but it can not bring people of different cultures and ages together. This essay will explain why we can not rely on music to accomplish such a difficult task.
Music has some elements and qualities to bring some like-minded people within, not outside of a certain culture, country or nation closer together in a common bond because the tone and tune of that music sound so familiar to them. Many music lovers even suggest that music is the food for our soul, regardless of our age. True that may be, but when we are pinning our hopes on music to unite people of different cultures and ages, we are becoming too much optimistic, to say the least, because culture is a very difficult subject to understand and so is “human nature”.
Culture is not only about what we like to listen to, or what we do not for some temporary pleasure or gratification. Rather, culture, among other things, very predominantly is also about “how we are so dissimilar to each other”, and it is essentially this “wish” or “sentiment” that helps us cling to our own ways of life, no matter how “peculiar” or “weird” that may look to other cultures. It is because of this strong “sentiment” that even though, almost all the countries in the continent of South America essentially speak the same language or practice the same religion, they are not merged into only one country. The same applies to different ages as well, and that is why we see, more often than not, that while a young guy likes some heavy rock or heavy metal music, an older person likes a more traditional or classic type of music.
So, from the discussion above, it should be fairly clear to us that music is important for our life, but it is not a good way to bring people of different cultures or ages together.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Avoid overlapping emotion terms Original: mental agony and sadness Suggested revision: mental distress Why it matters: 'Agony' and 'sadness' overlap in meaning, while 'mental distress' expresses the idea concisely.
- 2. Place the adverb naturally Original: Music probably can do Suggested revision: Music can probably do Why it matters: The adverb normally follows the modal verb 'can'.
- 3. Use the established expression Original: our Suggested revision: the Why it matters: The conventional metaphorical expression is 'food for the soul'.
- 4. Use standard clause order Original: True that may be Suggested revision: That may be true Why it matters: The subject should precede the complement in this ordinary concessive statement.
- 5. Use the simple present Original: we are pinning our hopes Suggested revision: we pin our hopes Why it matters: The simple present suits the general claim better than the progressive form.
- 6. Use an adverb modifier Original: too much optimistic Suggested revision: overly optimistic Why it matters: The adjective 'optimistic' requires an adverb such as 'overly', not the quantity phrase 'too much'.
- 7. Use a precise description Original: culture is a very difficult subject to understand Suggested revision: culture is a complex concept Why it matters: The replacement describes the conceptual difficulty more naturally and concisely.
- 8. Link the parallel idea smoothly Original: and so is “human nature” Suggested revision: as is human nature Why it matters: The revised comparative link integrates the parallel idea more smoothly into the sentence.
- 9. Place the modifier naturally Original: very predominantly is also about Suggested revision: is also largely about Why it matters: The adverb phrase is overextended and incorrectly positioned before the verb.
- 10. Clarify the reference Original: this “wish” or “sentiment” Suggested revision: this desire or sentiment Why it matters: Removing the unexplained quotation marks and naming a desire makes the reference clearer.
- 11. Use a formal comparison Original: no matter how “peculiar” or “weird” that may look to other cultures Suggested revision: even if those ways appear unusual to other cultures Why it matters: The revision removes informal wording, unnecessary quotation marks, and the unclear singular pronoun.
- 12. Refer to age groups Original: The same applies to different ages as well Suggested revision: The same applies to different age groups Why it matters: People belong to age groups; the abstract noun 'ages' does not name the compared groups clearly.
Suggested Rewrites
- mental agony and sadness mental distress
- Music probably can do Music can probably do
- our the
- True that may be That may be true
- we are pinning our hopes we pin our hopes
- too much optimistic overly optimistic
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response’s strongest feature is its clear, consistently maintained disagreement, supported by thoughtful discussion of cultural attachment and generational musical preferences. Its main limitation is that the South American example confuses bringing people together with merging political identities and therefore does not convincingly prove the central claim; the highest-priority improvement is to use direct evidence about cross-cultural and intergenerational interaction and engage with plausible counterexamples.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response presents a clear position and develops relevant ideas about cultural difference and age preferences, but a central example does not logically support the claim.
Explain why shared musical experiences fail to create social connection, using evidence directly related to concerts, communities, or intergenerational participation.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument progresses clearly from the position through cultural and age-based reasoning to a concise conclusion, with appropriate paragraphing.
Separate the cultural and generational arguments more distinctly so each example supports one clearly defined line of reasoning.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a sufficiently broad and sometimes sophisticated vocabulary, though several expressions are awkward or overstated.
Refine phrases such as “too optimistic,” “bring like-minded people closer,” and “classical music” for more natural precision.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A range of complex structures is used with generally good control, although some long sentences and misplaced modifiers reduce fluency.
Break the longest culture paragraph into more controlled sentences and review comma placement around subordinate clauses.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.