While studying some students take weekend or evening jobs to help with expenditure. How do you feel about this? What are the drawbacks and benefits of such a decision? What is your view?
Sample Response
Meeting expenses while being a student has been a challenge. Doing a part-time work to accommodate daily needs has advantages as well as disadvantages which need to be weighed before making a choice.
The benefits are ease of fee payment and additional pocket money. In this expensive world, paying a course fee is an insurmountable obstacle for the middle and lower class society. Hence, it has become inevitable for students to contemplate another source of income. Another chief reason is pocket money for personal expenditure. Most children like to possess extra cash at their disposal because it gives some flexibility and independence in choosing things they want to buy and to satisfy their little desires.
On the flip side, working after studies can cause stress and also trigger deviation from studies. Doing a job beyond school hours could have an adverse effect on the mental health of a student due to a large number of hours that are spent on stressful activities. Further, deterioration of health could lead to depression and increased anxiety. Another demerit is a distraction from the mainstream which is education. Few students could get lured to part-time work in search of easy money and gradually shift focus from school work to temporary job as they taste the benefits of money. This enticement could seriously mislead them to become aimless citizens.
To recapitulate, there are both merits and demerits to doing an additional job. I opine that students have to carefully introspect and monitor their situation and take an approach tailor-made for them as one strategy does not fit all the pupils. If they need to work due to a poor financial background, they must strike a balance between earning extra money and studying, which assures that there would no side effects due to side income.
(Answer by Kishore)
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove work article Original: Doing a part-time work Suggested revision: Doing part-time work Why it matters: Work is uncountable when referring generally to employment.
- 2. Use needs collocation Original: accommodate Suggested revision: meet Why it matters: People meet needs; accommodate is unnatural here.
- 3. Use direct benefit phrase Original: ease of fee payment Suggested revision: easier fee payment Why it matters: The adjective phrase states the benefit more directly.
- 4. Use cost context Original: this expensive world Suggested revision: today's high-cost environment Why it matters: The revision identifies the relevant financial context more precisely.
- 5. Use action verb Original: contemplate Suggested revision: seek Why it matters: Seek expresses taking practical action more directly than contemplate.
- 6. Name benefit accurately Original: Another chief reason is pocket money Suggested revision: Another main benefit is pocket money Why it matters: Pocket money is presented as an advantage, not a reason for the essay.
- 7. Use natural possession verb Original: possess Suggested revision: have Why it matters: Have is the natural verb for available money.
- 8. Use neutral wants phrase Original: their little desires Suggested revision: their personal wants Why it matters: Little desires sounds dismissive and is not a natural academic phrase.
- 9. Clarify schedule Original: working after studies Suggested revision: working outside study hours Why it matters: The revision identifies evening or weekend work without implying study has ended.
- 10. Use distraction phrase Original: trigger deviation from studies Suggested revision: distract students from their studies Why it matters: The verb phrase directly expresses the claimed academic effect.
- 11. Use schedule preposition Original: beyond Suggested revision: outside Why it matters: Outside school hours is the natural time expression.
- 12. Use concise duration Original: a large number of hours that are spent Suggested revision: long hours spent Why it matters: The revision removes unnecessary words while preserving the workload claim.
Suggested Rewrites
- Doing a part-time work Doing part-time work
- accommodate meet
- ease of fee payment easier fee payment
- this expensive world today's high-cost environment
- contemplate seek
- Another chief reason is pocket money Another main benefit is pocket money
Why this response received Band 7.0
The essay provides a balanced account of financial benefits and academic or health drawbacks, then offers a clear, sensible view that employment depends on individual need and requires careful balance. The argument is logically organised and adequately developed, though some consequences are overstated and several expressions are unnatural. The highest-priority improvement is to support the risks with a realistic example and replace inflated wording with precise academic language.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Benefits, drawbacks, and a qualified personal view are all addressed with relevant development, although the claim about becoming aimless citizens is exaggerated.
Use a concrete example to show how excessive working hours can affect study performance without overstating the likely outcome.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay progresses clearly through benefits, drawbacks, and a balanced conclusion, with focused paragraphs and generally effective linking.
Clarify the internal sequence of the drawbacks paragraph by separating health effects from loss of academic focus.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is sufficiently varied, but recurring awkward collocations and overly formal choices reduce naturalness and precision.
Prefer expressions such as part-time job, cover expenses, distract from studies, and assess their circumstances carefully.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A range of complex sentences is used with generally clear meaning, though article, determiner, agreement, and clause-form errors remain noticeable.
Proofread noun phrases and dependent clauses, particularly forms such as part-time work, few students, and there would be no.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
While studying some students take weekend or evening jobs to help with expenditure. How do you feel about this? What are the drawbacks and benefits of such a decision? What is your view?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.