It is generally acknowledged that families are now not as close as they used to be. Give some reasons why this change has happened and suggest how families could be brought closer together.
Sample Response
There is much discussion nowadays as to whether or not the relationship between family members is as close as before. Diverse contributing factors can be identified. In the following, I would like to present my point of view.
Great changes have taken place in family life along with the development of society. One of them is that the once-extended family tends to become smaller and smaller. Many children have to leave their parents at an early age to study or work elsewhere. As time passes, children become emotionally estranged from their parents.
Compared with the past, social competition is becoming increasingly fierce. People are urged to concentrate their efforts on their works so that they can achieve success or at least a good standard of living. As a result, they can’t afford to spend their leisure hours with their families. The importance of bonds of kinship is gradually fading from their minds.
In addition, the availability of various kinds of recreational facilities also diverts people from enjoying chats with the members of their families. Their free time is mostly occupied by watching TV, surfing the Internet or playing video games. They come to lose interest in communicating with the other members of their families. In view of such alienation within families, urgent steps must be taken, in my opinion. For members of families who live away from one another, regular contact on the phone can bring them the care that they need. Family reunions on holidays or other important occasions can make a difference as well. For those living together, it is a good idea to take some time off work or recreation periods to spend more time with each other.
In the final analysis, a close family relationship can surely be maintained as long as we realise the significant role it plays in our lives and we attach importance to it.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Clarify family description Original: once-extended family Suggested revision: once-common extended family Why it matters: The original compound incorrectly suggests that a family itself was previously extended.
- 2. Use uncountable noun Original: their works Suggested revision: their work Why it matters: Work is uncountable when it refers generally to employment or effort.
- 3. Name activities clearly Original: recreation periods Suggested revision: recreational activities Why it matters: Periods does not logically name the recreation from which people should take time off.
- 4. Make opening concise Original: There is much discussion nowadays as to whether or not Suggested revision: It is widely debated whether Why it matters: The revision conveys the same meaning more directly.
- 5. Use natural quantifier Original: Diverse contributing factors Suggested revision: Several contributing factors Why it matters: Several is a more natural way to introduce multiple causes in this context.
- 6. Clarify forward reference Original: In the following Suggested revision: In the following discussion Why it matters: Naming the discussion makes the forward reference more precise.
- 7. Match time frame Original: tends to become smaller and smaller Suggested revision: has tended to become smaller Why it matters: The present perfect better connects the described social change with the present.
- 8. Use concise transition Original: As time passes Suggested revision: Over time Why it matters: The shorter transition links the gradual result more smoothly.
- 9. Clarify competition context Original: social competition Suggested revision: competition in society Why it matters: The revision makes the type of competition more explicit.
- 10. Use natural wording Original: leisure hours Suggested revision: free time Why it matters: Free time is the more natural expression in this context.
- 11. Tighten cause progression Suggested revision: Link the move away from extended families directly to children leaving home before stating the resulting emotional distance. Why it matters: A clearer cause-and-effect chain would strengthen progression within the paragraph.
- 12. Connect pressure and result Suggested revision: Keep the sentence about reduced family time immediately tied to the preceding pressure to focus on work. Why it matters: This makes the causal relationship the organising thread of the paragraph.
Suggested Rewrites
- once-extended family once-common extended family
- their works their work
- recreation periods recreational activities
- There is much discussion nowadays as to whether or not It is widely debated whether
- Diverse contributing factors Several contributing factors
- In the following In the following discussion
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response directly answers both parts of the task with a well-organised set of plausible causes and practical remedies, supported by clear explanation. Its main limitation is that the solutions are developed more briefly than the causes, and the shift to remedies occurs within the preceding paragraph. The best refinement is to give the solutions their own paragraph and explain how each would rebuild regular emotional connection.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The causes and solutions are both addressed directly, with relevant ideas that are clearly explained and supported throughout.
Extend the solution section by explaining the specific effect of each proposed action on family closeness.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through distinct causes to remedies and a conclusion, although the final cause and solution discussion are combined in one paragraph.
Begin a separate solutions paragraph to make the change from diagnosis to response even clearer.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and generally precise, with effective expressions for social change and family alienation despite a few slightly unnatural choices.
Refine occasional collocations such as concentrate on their work and take time away from recreation for more idiomatic precision.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is used accurately, and the few minor slips do not interfere with communication.
Maintain this control while tightening a few long sentences so that every modifier and clause has an unmistakable reference.
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