Do you believe that professional athletes make good role models for young people? Support your opinion with reasons and examples
Sample Response
From my viewpoint, young people are influenced by the grown-up people's behaviour in many cases. They also mimic their favourite actors, singers, sportspersons and that is why professional sportsmen or sportswomen have to pay more attention to their attitudes and they should be aware of how they affect youth's lives.
Athletes are the people who are being observed by many people from all over the world and this popularity means responsibility. Consequently what I meant with responsibility is how sports people behave in their daily life. In one hand, engaging with sport might even make every man or women stronger and healthier. Namely, youth who are watching sport will be encouraged by athletes' health and also the lifestyle. Furthermore, they will become more eager to being athletes.
On the other hand, despite these athletes who have undeniably good lifestyle and health, undoubtedly there are also sports people who have a vast popularity but haven't got a bit of ethic. In spite of their bulk money, they waste the money whimsically. But they don't choose to do a charity instead. So it is evident that these people's lifestyle cannot be a prime example for youth. Thus professional athletes should not neglect their daily life and must take their role on youth into account.
Again, the way they appear in front of media, they fashion trends that follow and the way they speak or behave are often mimicked by people. They are already role models for many and they can positively influence others, especially the young generation. A new hairstyle by David Beckham would definitely become a fashion trend among many youngsters. They can definitely become the role model of many young people especially who have passions for sports. The good example the sports persons set through personal life, appearance, charity works can create a very positive image to others and thus they have a greater influence on the young generation.
To sum up, in spite of the youth can be easily manipulated by other people, the professional athletes through their works and behaviours can set positive examples and can become role models for the young generation.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use the concise possessive Original: grown-up people's behaviour Suggested revision: adults' behaviour Why it matters: Adults is the natural formal noun, and its plural possessive is concise.
- 2. Punctuate the result clause Original: sportspersons and that is why Suggested revision: sportspersons, which is why Why it matters: A comma and relative clause correctly connect the examples to the stated consequence.
- 3. Use one inclusive term Original: sportsmen or sportswomen Suggested revision: athletes Why it matters: Athletes is a concise term that covers both groups.
- 4. Name observable conduct Original: their attitudes Suggested revision: their behaviour Why it matters: Behaviour, rather than attitude, is what public figures can monitor and what others observe.
- 5. Use a countable group Original: youth's lives Suggested revision: young people's lives Why it matters: Youth is not naturally used as a singular possessive for young people collectively here.
- 6. Remove wordy passive wording Original: are the people who are being observed by many people Suggested revision: are watched by people Why it matters: The replacement removes repetition and an unnecessary progressive passive.
- 7. Fix tense and preposition Original: Consequently what I meant with responsibility Suggested revision: Consequently, what I mean by responsibility Why it matters: The explanation is current, mean takes by, and the introductory adverb needs a comma.
- 8. Correct the paired linker Original: In one hand Suggested revision: On the one hand Why it matters: The standard contrastive linker is on the one hand.
- 9. Match the singular determiner Original: every man or women Suggested revision: every man or woman Why it matters: Every requires singular nouns on both sides of or.
- 10. Use an example linker Original: Namely Suggested revision: For example Why it matters: The sentence illustrates the preceding claim rather than renaming it.
- 11. Use a natural subject Original: youth who are watching sport Suggested revision: young people who watch sport Why it matters: Young people is countable and the simple present suits a general habit.
- 12. Make the nouns parallel Original: athletes' health and also the lifestyle Suggested revision: athletes' health and lifestyles Why it matters: The coordinated nouns should share the same possessive reference and number.
Suggested Rewrites
- grown-up people's behaviour adults' behaviour
- sportspersons and that is why sportspersons, which is why
- sportsmen or sportswomen athletes
- their attitudes their behaviour
- youth's lives young people's lives
- are the people who are being observed by many people are watched by people
Why this response received Band 6.0
The essay recognises that athletes already influence young people and offers relevant discussion of healthy lifestyles, charity, behaviour, and media visibility. Its main limitation is that the overall positive position emerges late, while several examples are weakly connected and frequent language errors make some sentences difficult to interpret. Prioritise stating the judgement immediately and building two focused reasons with clear examples of conduct young people could beneficially imitate.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response offers a qualified positive view and several relevant reasons and examples, but the central judgement is delayed and some support concerns influence without proving good role modelling.
State clearly in the introduction whether athletes are generally good models, then connect every example to a beneficial behaviour young people could copy.
Coherence and Cohesion
The five-paragraph structure gives broad progression, but incorrect signposts and the return to positive points after the negative paragraph make the sequence uneven.
Organise the body into one focused paragraph on positive modelling and one on limitations before giving a final balanced judgement.
Lexical Resource
There is adequate topic vocabulary, but frequent unnatural combinations such as 'vast popularity', 'bulk money', and 'do a charity' sometimes obscure meaning.
Use natural expressions such as 'enormous popularity', 'considerable wealth', 'support charities', and 'influence on young people'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The essay attempts varied sentence forms, but frequent errors in agreement, complements, articles, and clause construction often strain clarity.
Correct core patterns such as 'men and women', 'eager to become athletes', and 'although young people can be easily influenced'.
Use this task for your next draft
Feedback is more useful when you actively apply it in a draft, rather than only recognising improvements on the page.
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.
The question will be loaded automatically.