We no longer need to have animals kept in zoos, so zoos should be closed.
Sample Response
It is widely seen today that the government is diverting a lot of funds towards development and maintenance of zoos. Although some feel that captivating animals in a zoo are not an ideal notion, others argue that they can best be looked after in a zoo.
There is no denying to the fact that animals lose their freedom when they are kept in zoos. Also, they are exposed to the artificial way of living and are deprived of their natural habitat. To exemplify, they are fed only at a particular time by their trainers and cannot fetch for food when they are hungry. Moreover, they are mostly disturbed by the advent of numerous spectators who visit the zoo almost every day.
Nevertheless, animals are safe when kept in a zoo. These beasts can be saved from the effect of extinction. For instance, the Bengal tigers are increasing in numbers every passing year which otherwise was on the verge of extinction on account of hunting and ill health. The forest department is playing pivotal roles for their care and protection. Also, the rapid industrialisation has led to the destruction of forests depriving these creatures of their natural homes. Therefore huge efforts are being made for the creation of a natural environment which best suits these creatures hence not disturbing their natural life. Furthermore, there is a continuous check on their health and hygiene which eventually gifts them a long life.
In conclusion, I would prefer animals being kept in a zoo on account of their safety and increased life expectancy.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural reporting Original: widely seen today Suggested revision: widely recognised Why it matters: This collocation more naturally introduces a generally acknowledged situation.
- 2. Use a general plural Original: the government Suggested revision: governments Why it matters: The plural form suits a general claim that is not tied to one specified country.
- 3. Use formal quantity wording Original: a lot of funds Suggested revision: substantial funds Why it matters: This is a more concise and appropriately formal expression of quantity.
- 4. Add required articles Original: towards development and maintenance of zoos Suggested revision: towards the development and maintenance of zoos Why it matters: The coordinated specific activities require the definite article in this construction.
- 5. Correct the word choice Original: captivating animals Suggested revision: keeping animals captive Why it matters: 'Captivating' means fascinating, whereas 'captive' describes animals confined in zoos.
- 6. Fix subject agreement Original: are not an ideal notion Suggested revision: is not ideal Why it matters: The gerund phrase 'keeping animals captive' takes the singular verb 'is'.
- 7. Correct the fixed expression Original: There is no denying to the fact that Suggested revision: There is no denying that Why it matters: The fixed construction takes a direct 'that' clause without 'to the fact'.
- 8. Use natural phrasing Original: the artificial way of living Suggested revision: an artificial way of life Why it matters: 'Way of life' is the natural collocation, and the nonspecific noun phrase takes 'an'.
- 9. Use the correct verb Original: fetch for food Suggested revision: forage for food Why it matters: Animals 'forage for food'; 'fetch' means go and bring something back.
- 10. Choose context-appropriate words Original: advent of numerous spectators Suggested revision: presence of numerous visitors Why it matters: 'Presence' and 'visitors' accurately describe people at a zoo without implying their first arrival.
- 11. Maintain neutral reference Original: These beasts Suggested revision: These animals Why it matters: The neutral noun is more appropriate for a formal discussion and maintains lexical continuity.
- 12. Correct the collocation Original: effect of extinction Suggested revision: threat of extinction Why it matters: Species are protected from the 'threat' or 'risk' of extinction, not its effect.
Suggested Rewrites
- widely seen today widely recognised
- the government governments
- a lot of funds substantial funds
- towards development and maintenance of zoos towards the development and maintenance of zoos
- captivating animals keeping animals captive
- are not an ideal notion is not ideal
Why this response received Band 6.5
The essay presents a clear preference for keeping zoos and develops both animal-welfare concerns and conservation benefits in a logical structure. Its main limitation is language control: ambitious vocabulary often appears in unnatural combinations, and several complex sentences contain agreement or clause-linking errors; prioritizing accurate collocations and cleaner sentence construction would make the otherwise relevant argument more precise and persuasive.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response addresses the proposition, considers both sides, and reaches a clear, relevant position supported by developed reasons.
State the supportive position in the introduction and qualify broad conservation claims with more precise evidence.
Coherence and Cohesion
Clear paragraphing and a logical contrast between drawbacks and benefits support steady progression, despite some mechanical linking.
Use fewer sentence-opening linkers and strengthen the connections between individual examples and the claims they support.
Lexical Resource
The response attempts a good range of topic vocabulary, but frequent inaccurate collocations and word choices limit precision.
Prioritize natural combinations such as keeping animals captive, searching for food, and preventing extinction.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Simple and complex forms are both attempted, but agreement, article, punctuation, and clause-structure errors occur repeatedly.
Simplify overloaded sentences and check subject-verb agreement and clause boundaries before adding complex linking.
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