Write Women and men are commonly seen as having different strengths and weaknesses. Is it right to exclude males or females from certain professions because of their gender? What is your view? Explain your position.
Sample Response
Traditionally men and women work in different fields. Though they have always worked together to build a better world, a subtle difference has always been there in the types of employment they have done. The modern world has changed this perspective to a great extent despite some people’s old-fashioned views that a woman should look after the family and a man should be the bread winner. In my view, gender equality is far more important than considering which sectors are more suitable for a particular gender and which are not. Some people might present traditional arguments regarding the suitability of some posts for females and some others for male, but the modern era teaches us otherwise. In fact, greater freedom of choice in terms of employment can accelerate the development of a nation than the old way of distributed work pattern. For instance, it is believed by many that a female is more suitable for a profession that requires tenderness and caring while men are more adept in doing tasks those demand more physical strength. Thus, according to their opinion, more women should become nurses or teachers than males while logging, mining, and construction works should be solely done by males. However, making occupations more open to both genders have distinctive advantages and in certain cases, mixed-gender work environment outperforms the single-sex workplace. For instance, having an all-female hospital is quite challenging and not a pragmatic idea at all. Men and women can bring diverse perspectives and approaches to a job and a school with both male and female teachers has better teaching environment than a single-sex-teacher one. It is quite logical that a female patient would feel more comfortable to consult with a female doctor while a female police would better understand the domestic violence and bring superior strategies for dealing with the problems. Though traditional view does not support women to become doctors or police, we can definitely understand their needs. To conclude, innovation and advantages the gender equality in job sectors can bring is far-reaching and have greater benefits for the society. The time has come for us to break the traditional and outdated belief of gender-suitable-profession.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Add introductory comma Original: Traditionally men Suggested revision: Traditionally, men Why it matters: An introductory adverb should be followed by a comma.
- 2. Fix plural reference Original: some others for male Suggested revision: others for males Why it matters: The parallel generic reference requires the plural noun males and no redundant some.
- 3. Use parallel nouns Original: tenderness and caring Suggested revision: tenderness and care Why it matters: Parallel nouns make the paired qualities grammatically consistent.
- 4. Fix preposition pattern Original: adept in doing Suggested revision: adept at performing Why it matters: Adept conventionally takes at followed by a gerund.
- 5. Fix relative pronoun Original: tasks those demand Suggested revision: tasks that demand Why it matters: That, not those, introduces the defining relative clause.
- 6. Add clause comma Original: males while Suggested revision: males, while Why it matters: A comma is needed before while as it introduces the contrasting independent clause.
- 7. Use uncountable noun Original: construction works Suggested revision: construction work Why it matters: Work is uncountable when referring generally to this field of employment.
- 8. Fix subject agreement Original: making occupations more open to both genders have Suggested revision: making occupations more open to both genders has Why it matters: The gerund phrase making occupations more open is a singular subject.
- 9. Add missing article Original: in certain cases, mixed-gender work environment Suggested revision: in certain cases, a mixed-gender work environment Why it matters: The singular countable noun environment requires an article.
- 10. Fix complement pattern Original: comfortable to consult with Suggested revision: comfortable consulting Why it matters: Comfortable is naturally followed by a gerund for this action.
- 11. Name the person Original: a female police Suggested revision: a female police officer Why it matters: Police denotes the institution or collective force, not one individual officer.
- 12. Remove article Original: the domestic violence Suggested revision: domestic violence Why it matters: Domestic violence is used as an uncountable general concept without the article.
Suggested Rewrites
- Traditionally men Traditionally, men
- some others for male others for males
- tenderness and caring tenderness and care
- adept in doing adept at performing
- tasks those demand tasks that demand
- males while males, while
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response maintains a clear position against gender-based exclusion and supports it with several relevant workplace examples and comparisons. Its principal weakness is presentation: all ideas appear in one block, and recurring agreement, article, and collocation errors reduce precision despite generally clear meaning. Prioritize organizing the argument into distinct paragraphs, then revise sentence-level grammar so the strong content is delivered with greater control.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
A clear position is sustained and supported with relevant explanations and examples about mixed-gender workplaces and occupational choice.
Deepen the argument by explaining more explicitly why individual suitability should outweigh generalizations about gender in hiring decisions.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas follow a logical argumentative sequence with appropriate signposting, but the complete absence of paragraph breaks weakens organization and readability.
Separate the introduction, traditional counterargument, main rebuttal, and conclusion into purposeful paragraphs with clear central ideas.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a sufficiently flexible range for discussing equality and employment, though several collocations and word forms are awkward.
Refine phrases concerning work patterns, workplace composition, and professional roles so that vocabulary is consistently natural and precise.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A range of complex structures communicates the argument clearly, but recurring agreement, article, comparison, and relative-clause errors remain noticeable.
Check agreement in every clause and revise comparative and relative structures before adding further sentence complexity.
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