When choosing a job, the salary is the most important consideration. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
Employee hiring and retention are two utmost important tasks of Human Resource department of modern enterprises. Organisations spend a great deal of money studying the reasons of attrition. And many of them conclude that compensation is the biggest reason why an employee accepts a job offer. I too think that salary is the most important motivating factor for one to accept an offer. Firstly, one needs to understand the motive why anyone looks for employment. It is obvious that one does a job to earn money, to support his family and so that he can lead a good life. With time, everyone's need changes and one top of this, inflation makes things increasingly unaffordable. An employee starts looking outside when he finds himself stretching to meet his family need. Second reason is that when an employee feels he is not paid enough he would start finding a new job. Infosys Technology's HR department's exit interview, when they try to find the reasons why an employee has left the job, data reveals that 80% of people leaving job has the salary as the first reason. This shows that compensation plays the biggest role in employee's decision of switching job or taking new offer. However, there are many other important reasons why one selects a job such as work-life balance, the opportunity to rise in the organisation's hierarchy, work culture etc. Study by Bangalore human resource organisation revealed that 50% employees provide non-salary as one of the reasons for taking a new offer. From my personal experience, I have seen many of my colleagues taking a new offer in search of other better opportunity or to switch career. Therefore, we can safely conclude that salary is not the only consideration while choosing new job but it is the topmost reason why one takes a new job offer.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use the correct preposition Original: reasons of attrition Suggested revision: reasons for attrition Why it matters: Reason takes the preposition for when naming what is being explained.
- 2. Remove the sentence opener Original: And many of them conclude Suggested revision: Many of them conclude Why it matters: The sentence follows directly without needing the additive coordinator And.
- 3. Use concise cause wording Original: the biggest reason why Suggested revision: the main reason Why it matters: Main reason expresses the primary cause without a wordy relative construction.
- 4. Use formal stance wording Original: I too think Suggested revision: I also believe Why it matters: I also believe is more natural and appropriately formal in an academic essay.
- 5. Clarify the person reference Original: motivating factor for one to accept Suggested revision: factor motivating someone to accept Why it matters: Someone gives the general person a clear, natural reference.
- 6. Use the natural question form Original: the motive why anyone looks for employment Suggested revision: why people seek employment Why it matters: Why already expresses motive, and seek employment is the natural collocation.
- 7. Fix plural agreement Original: everyone's need changes Suggested revision: everyone's needs change Why it matters: People generally have multiple needs, so both the noun and verb should be plural.
- 8. Correct the fixed phrase Original: one top of this Suggested revision: on top of this Why it matters: One is a typographical error in the phrase on top of this.
- 9. Clarify the job search Original: starts looking outside Suggested revision: starts looking elsewhere Why it matters: Elsewhere clearly indicates searching for a different job rather than physically looking outside.
- 10. Correct wording and number Original: stretching to meet his family need Suggested revision: struggling to meet their family's needs Why it matters: Struggling expresses financial difficulty, and needs should be plural with a clear possessive.
- 11. Fix the conditional clause Original: he is not paid enough he would Suggested revision: they are not paid enough, they may Why it matters: The condition needs a comma, and may is appropriate for a possible response.
- 12. Add the missing article Original: employee's decision Suggested revision: an employee's decision Why it matters: The singular countable possessive phrase requires an article.
Suggested Rewrites
- reasons of attrition reasons for attrition
- And many of them conclude Many of them conclude
- the biggest reason why the main reason
- I too think I also believe
- motivating factor for one to accept factor motivating someone to accept
- the motive why anyone looks for employment why people seek employment
Why this response received Band 6.5
The essay presents a consistent qualified agreement and supports it with relevant points about family needs, inflation, staff turnover, and non-salary considerations. Its main limitation is organisation and sentence control: the entire response forms one block, and recurring agreement, article, and clause errors make the evidence harder to process. Prioritise separating the position, salary reasons, counterpoint, and conclusion into paragraphs, then proofread the statistical examples sentence by sentence.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response clearly agrees that salary is the leading consideration while acknowledging other factors, and it supports this qualified view with several relevant reasons and examples.
Evaluate the non-salary factors more directly against pay to show why salary remains more important rather than merely listing alternatives.
Coherence and Cohesion
The reasoning progresses logically from financial needs to retention and counterarguments, but the complete absence of paragraphing makes the 305-word argument difficult to navigate.
Create separate paragraphs for the thesis, salary-based reasons, non-salary counterpoint, and conclusion, each with one central purpose.
Lexical Resource
A good range of employment vocabulary includes 'retention', 'attrition', 'compensation', and 'work-life balance', though several collocations are awkward.
Prefer natural phrases such as 'reasons for attrition', 'look for another job', and 'accept a new offer'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The essay uses both simple and complex forms, but recurring article, agreement, possession, and clause-construction errors limit accuracy.
Rewrite the statistical examples as short complete sentences and check forms such as '80% of employees cite salary' and 'family needs'.
Use this task for your next draft
Feedback is more useful when you actively apply it in a draft, rather than only recognising improvements on the page.
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.
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